I lay in bed for a long time, feeling really sleepy and my body was so tired that I didn't want to move.

Obviously I have been sitting here without moving much for a whole day. I just moved a little bit in the morning. But now my legs are feeling vague pain. It would be better if I don't move. It's like running a marathon. This is the body.

Do you feel like you're overdrafted? Maybe I'm really old and not as young as I was when I was young. After working online for 16 hours straight, I feel like my body can't bear it.

My eyelids are extremely heavy. When I was washing up, I looked through the mirror and saw that my eyes were bloodshot, almost covering the original color of my pupils. It seemed that I was really tired, but now I couldn’t even move my eyelids.

It takes a long time to recite it silently in my heart, but no matter how much I recite it silently... I can't fall asleep.

This feeling is a bit raw and inexplicably familiar. The number of times I can fall into this state is naturally very few.

I grew up in a boarding school, and I don’t miss my hometown too much, let alone cry secretly at night. I overcame this in elementary school. Otherwise, how would I have survived?

Now……

It's not that my family education is not good. In fact, in some family environments where relationships are relatively tense and repressive, going to a boarding school is a good choice. At least there is no such high-pressure policy that disturbs my mind all day long.

Restless.

Ever since I was a child, I have never been so flustered about anything. If I think about it carefully, it seems that it was the first time I fell in love. I felt that the whole world was empty, and I was like a catkin, drifting in a sea of ​​suffering with no support.

, also the thought of no life.

When I was a man, I actually had some thoughts...I would return to the earth before my beauty faded...Now that I think about it, it is really absurd and uninhibited. It is also too outrageous. I actually thought that the affection between men and women was pure.

Love is determined by appearance...

It was really ridiculous at that time. I couldn't sleep all night long. It didn't mean that I cried all night long... I wasn't that fragile. I just had some thoughts in my heart that I couldn't help but feel.

It comes out of its own accord, and no matter how you erase it, that feeling cannot be erased. Just like a movie depicts, there is always an invisible person slapping you with an insignificant spoon, and the harm is unnecessary.

However, only you can notice it.

That period of time was quite difficult. It lasted for more than a month. I only slept about 4 hours a day. I was completely exhausted. I was listless during the day and couldn't sleep at night, thinking about life. It was so long.

For a period of time, my body and bones were damaged, and I lost a lot of hair. What I regret most now is the hair that fell out during that period. I have already looked away from love and other things. Is it possible to have this hair?

give me back……

The two kinds of pain are not the same...but the results are quite the same, which I still remember freshly. The other time it was so uncomfortable was when I realized that I was a waste, let alone surpassing my parents and becoming myself.

The person I want to be doesn't even have the conditions to do the most basic thing of having enough to eat.

When I was a child, I thought a lot about what kind of car I would drive in the future, what kind of things I would do, and what kind of words I would say. Even if I became famous in the future, how would I give an acceptance speech and encourage the younger generations to make progress and strive for success? , I had thought about it all. But reality slapped me coldly on the face again and again. Not to mention my original dream, at that time, I thought that I couldn't even be an ordinary person. I can't afford to eat or cover my head with a roof over my head. Life is so gloomy.

At the beginning, I could still tell myself that the time has not come yet. After a while, I even got used to the mediocre life in front of me. Even if I live in a place like that, I want to say, if I can really stay here for the rest of my life. It was also a good choice. But in the end, on the day when I couldn’t even keep my job, I suddenly woke up and saw it all clearly. It turned out that I was a piece of garbage. Don’t tell me about the popularity, even the most ordinary I failed to connect the past and the future, support the elderly, and take care of the younger generations.

I guess it’s hard to do that. I can’t afford the wedding gift. I’m in my twenties and still owe credit cards. Will that life be bearable? I can’t sleep all day long either.

I fell asleep, but the state was very short-lived. After a week, I started to look for other ways.

At the beginning, I still had some moral integrity and wanted to be a writer and write something online, but then I found out that it was only 1,500 yuan a month...forget it. The professions that I once despised and laughed at in front of my relatives, friends and classmates, at that time All aspects have been included in my consideration, not to mention some simple fake orders, some e-commerce official accounts, Internet celebrity marketing accounts, and even telecom fraud. I have thought about it, as long as I can make money, manage As for him, we can do anything.

In fact, if you think about it, it’s not that I am a decent person, I am just an ordinary person. If I were really forced to do that, I would not have any choice but to do it. But at this moment, the wonderful thing happened. The door to the world is open to me...

Life is already very good. Isn’t it the most important thing to have money in the card? Now that I think about it, it seems that apart from having money in the card, there is nothing else. I no longer keep in touch with my classmates, and I can’t even get in touch with my relatives and friends twice a year. A phone call...

Oh, I understand, it turns out it is loneliness. It is this thing that makes me so sad that I cannot sleep. It is this distant and panicful loneliness that keeps me awake all night long...

It seems to be the same situation. I have never encountered it before. I truly live independently and live alone in a large villa of 500 to 600 square meters...

When I was in boarding school, there were only 6 or 8 classmates in a dormitory. When conditions were poor, there were even more than a dozen people, but it was always lively. No matter what you did, you always had someone to accompany you, even after graduation. Lao Li Tou has been helping me. When I first had no money to pay the rent, he helped me pay it. Later, when I lost my job, he also ended up staying at home as a game booster like me. He didn’t earn a penny. All thanks to his support...

No matter how lonely I was at that time, I always had friends, but unlike now, once I close the door, the only sound left in the room is the echo of my own breathing. Thinking about it now, I still miss my neighbors in Tongzilou where I used to live, although not much. Say hello, but it will always make you feel more at ease to hear their faint chatter.
Chapter completed!