Chapter 329: Love is too deep to be expressed [Bai Ziyan]

Volume 7: It’s just that I have no regrets and am passionate.

On the banks of the River of Forgetfulness, I rested with you for a long time. In the mud, my hair was tangled with yours. There was no expression of my heart, only a wisp of my soul. A furnace of soul was ignited, and a mandala was born from the dry bones.

——Inscription.

new.york, a city that never sleeps.

Returning to New York and being with my relatives, I felt a long-lost sense of relaxation. In the winter, with my mother's greetings and my father's plain yet caring words, my suppressed heart seemed to be relieved a little bit. Just seeing

When my parents' temples turned gray, my heart was still tight, blaming myself for being unfilial.

Marriage and having children have always been their expectations for me. Unfortunately, I may not be able to satisfy their humble wish in this life. Every time I think about this, I feel even deeper resentment towards myself.

He can still disguise his emotions during the day, but once night comes, he will have mixed feelings in his heart. Thinking of him and his father's death, he will be irritable and depressed, and even have thoughts of committing suicide.

If it hadn't been for me, if I hadn't been born in his world, maybe his father wouldn't have died, maybe he would have found an ordinary woman and stayed together for the rest of his life.

Eleven million ifs, but no ifs.

I realized I was sick in the second week after returning to New York. Everyone was asleep late at night. I was very tired and wanted to sleep. I lay in bed, tossing and turning, but couldn't fall asleep.

In a daze, I seemed to hear a voice that kept calling me. I stood up, stepped barefoot on the cold floor, and searched for the voice in the darkness until I reached the balcony...

The wind is biting and cold, and the snowflakes at night are extraordinarily soft and soft. Under the dim light, they are like elves in the night. Thousands of them are dancing in the air. They are beautiful and dreamy.

There was a sound coming from below. I looked down and it was like an endless abyss. The sound came to my ears over and over again, gradually becoming clearer.

Nan Si's father, he was asking me to go down. He said that hell was too dark, cold, and silent, and he really wanted someone to talk to him.

I stood on the balcony, looking down at the endless abyss, feeling unusually calm in my heart. I thought that my love for Nan Si was not wrong, that I was neither innocent nor unforgivable, but I was wrong.

I killed Nan Si's father and hurt an innocent woman. My sin is unforgivable and I deserve death.

A fall from the height of the 21st floor is enough to kill someone.

Will this be able to atone for the sins I bear?

My feet have already stepped out, and my body begins to stretch out of the balcony. I can smell the breath of death in the cold breath. I am even thinking in my mind, if I die, will he come to my funeral, and will I be able to see him again?

one side.

Even if it's just one side, it's still good.

"Pa" the light in the living room turned on. I don't know who woke up and walked to the kitchen with very light steps. There were some subtle sounds, as if they were drinking water. I stood on the edge of the balcony in a daze, snowflakes falling on my feet.

, it was bone-chilling, and through the thin curtains, I could vaguely see the outline of my mother, as well as the gray hair in her hair, as if I had a nightmare and suddenly woke up.

What am I doing?

I carefully came down from the balcony and looked back at the abyss, still feeling frightened.

I knew that I had a serious mental illness. Even if I pretended to be normal during the day, drinking, teasing, and being a normal man, I deceived everyone; but I could not deceive myself. That night I almost

He jumped from the 21st floor and ended his life.

If I really jump, how sad will my parents and relatives be?

It is better to die than to live. Even though life is like death, I still want to live for them.

I went to see a psychiatrist and actively cooperated with her to try my best to recover. When I walked out of the psychiatrist’s clinic, the snow had not yet melted. I left very deep footprints with each foot, and I could even hear the crisp sound.

The sound is pleasant and moving.

I walked through a park, bounced off the snow on a wooden chair, and sat down. I saw children playing and having snowball fights around me, with innocent smiles on their red faces.

I thought of him, and of Xi Feng, and wondered if little Xi Feng would be so cute when he was so old. I just thought that if Xi Feng knew about the absurdity of his father when he was young, he would be uncontrollably sad.

I have never regretted anything in all these years. I only regretted falling in love with Nan Si and dragging him and myself into a swamp from which we could not extricate ourselves.

A girl with blond hair ran over, handed me a leaflet, made a smiling gesture, and said, "Be happy, handsome man, the Lord will be with us."

I have never had any religious beliefs. I looked at the leaflet in my hand and just pulled my lips at her. I really couldn’t laugh. I stood up to leave. I wanted to throw the leaflet into the trash can, but I just wanted to

The moment I put it in, I was suddenly shaken. I thought it was just killing time when I had nothing to do.

The church is not big, and can be said to be shabby. The people here are very friendly, and everyone has a warm smile on their face. The pastor is very patient and chats with me, even if I just sit and say nothing.

Every time there is a first time, there will be a second time. Every time I sit in the church and look at Jesus being crucified, I don’t know why I feel unusually calm and relaxed.

The pastor said that because all living beings are sinful, Jesus' mission is to cleanse mankind of its sins. In order to redeem people's sins, Jesus was willing to be crucified on the cross so that the sins of the world could be healed.

I asked: "Are people like me also qualified to be saved?"

The pastor stared at me with his sincere eyes, placed his cold fingers on my forehead, and said very firmly: "My child, believe me, the Lord will forgive your sins!"

I don’t know whether the Lord will forgive my sins. I only know that every time I see this group of people, I feel very peaceful in my heart, as if I’m living in a paradise. There are no intrigues, no grudges, and no unfulfilled requests.

suffering.

My psychiatrist said that my situation was much better, and I gradually stopped hearing the voices calling me to go to hell. I smiled, maybe!

After receiving Mingxi's text message, the memory of country C was suddenly stirred up. The dust was flying and the war was in chaos. When I think of those past, the sweeter the memories are, the more hurtful they are, not to mention the memories stained with blood.

I swore that I would never set foot in the capital again in this life.

Mingxi, it’s not that I don’t want to go back, it’s that I can’t, I can’t go back!

***

After Christmas, I noticed that my mood was much better. I received an anonymous text message in the evening when I walked out of the church. It was a short sentence: I don’t want Qin Xifeng to die, so come to Mianjiang as soon as possible.

When I saw the text message, I had mixed feelings and didn't know how to deal with it. I asked a friend to check the other party's communications. I found that the card was purchased anonymously and was thrown away after sending the text message. The specific address could not be traced.

I thought about it again and again, and finally booked a flight to Mianjiang. Even though I knew someone was deliberately trying to lure me there, I still went because I didn't want anything to happen to Xi Feng, and I didn't want him to be sad.

I didn’t tell anyone, I just told my family that I was going out for a walk. They were used to me leaving and didn’t do much to persuade me to stay. They just told me to be more careful and pay attention to safety.

I promise one by one that I will return safely.

Mianjiang, a famous tourist resort in country C, has just passed February, and the cold winds are steep in March, so there are not many tourists. I have been staying in the hotel for more than a week, and no one has taken the initiative to contact me.

I have nothing else to do but read books and watch the news every day. I’m really bored so I go out and look at the scenery. Just when I thought the text message was just a prank, someone finally contacted me. When I woke up in the morning, I saw that someone had stuffed a A card is in my room.

The address and time were written on the card. I didn't hesitate for too long, changed my clothes and went out.

At 6 o'clock in the morning, people here haven't gotten up yet, and the streets are particularly deserted. The hotel I am staying in is near Duanhun Bridge, which can be reached on foot in ten minutes. The empty streets with no people are very disturbing, and I feel uncomfortable. Good feeling, something seems to be happening.

I even thought that Nan Si and I had nothing to do with each other. What did Xi Feng’s life and death have to do with me? I turned around and wanted to go back to the hotel, but I couldn’t take that step.

Because I have never truly and completely let go of Nan Si.

Nan Si has become a part of my body for so many years. How could I not love him? It's like cutting off one's own arms or legs. Is this possible?

There was a bright figure on the Broken Soul Bridge. I walked in and saw the face clearly, and was secretly surprised: "How could it be you?"

Her eyes on the river slowly looked at me, and she smiled: "Why can't it be me?"

"Didn't Qin Yuan send you to Country A! Why did you come back? Why did you lure me to Mianjiang? Ye Ni!" There were many questions in my mind. Looking at her smiling face, I had a very bad feeling.

Ye Ni's smile became brighter and brighter, she took out a mobile phone from her pocket and handed it to me: "I'm just doing a favor for a friend!"

I hesitated, took the phone, and started a video call. The person on the other end of the phone was Huang Rong.

My heart clenched violently, and the pain swept over me instantly, spreading throughout my body. The most shameless person I have to face in this life is this innocent woman!

Huang Rong's expression was not very good. She looked at me with a pair of almond eyes. Even through the screen, I could clearly see how much hatred she was filled with!

"Rong Rong..."

"Don't call me!" Huang Rong on the other end of the phone showed a ferocious look and said in a sharp voice: "When I hear you call my name, I feel sick! Bai Ziyan, you are so disgusting!"

I'm disgusting, I know, I've always known it. You don't have to remind me again and again.

"What exactly do you want to do?"

Huang Rong looked at me with moist eyes: "Bai Ziyan, do you know how much I hate you! I really want you to die! Why do people like you exist in this world? You ruined Nansi, ruined Kill me! How can you still live shamelessly in this world, always pretending to be a victim?"

Sharp words were inserted into my chest one by one, and blood spilled out. She hated me, I knew, and I deserved it! It was I who fell in love with Nan Si first, it was I who seduced him all the time, and it was I who dragged him into hell first. .

Isn’t it enough that I have suffered the consequences now?

"Tell me, what do you want from me?"

They have come around in such a big circle, not just to humiliate me with words and trample my self-esteem and face to the ground, just as simple as that.

Huang Rong looked at me and said word by word: "I hope you die."

I knew she hated me, but I didn't know that she actually wanted me to die! The wind was biting, so cold that I could hardly breathe. My throat was blocked by something, and I couldn't speak. It just hurt.

Huang Rong moved her phone and pointed the camera at Xi Feng who was sleeping on the bed. Her voice came from the phone: "Bai Ziyan, look carefully. This is my and Nan Si's child. His grandfather died when he was born.

His father has always been unwilling to look at him, as if grandpa's death was all his fault! You should know that the real culprit is you! "

"Bai Ziyan, as long as you are alive, Nan Si's heart will never be with me or the child; you have killed his father, do you still want to be his son? If you don't disappear from this world

, then it will be our mother and son who die!"

Huang Rong held the mobile phone in one hand, and the other hand had already fallen on Xi Feng's neck. The infant Xi Feng would never know that his mother had almost strangled him to death.

"No..." I subconsciously stopped her, "He is your biological son!"

How could anyone have the heart to hurt his own son!
To be continued...