"Hello, Teacher Li. Do you still remember me? Last winter, we met in a psychiatric hospital and you gave me your business card. However, as soon as I walked out of the hospital, my aunt tore the business card. She said, there are many bad people in this world, so I will be more wary and not interact with people I don't know.

She often said this to me since she was a child, so after she was thirteen, I almost never had contact with people outside. You handed me a business card and took the initiative to help me, which made me feel scared. I think you are a good person, but I am also very scared. What if my aunt is right, as long as the people who come to contact me are people with ulterior motives, what should I do?

However, I can't stand it now. If I don't ask someone to talk to me, I will die. Although my mind is always chaotic, my memory is pretty good. I almost have the ability to remember some small things. I remember your email address, which is the pinyin of your name plus 1314, and I use 163 email address.

If my memory is not wrong, then this email will arrive in your hands successfully; if something goes wrong, no one knows me anyway, I will treat it as a tree hole and can speak freely.

That day in the hospital, you said something that generally means that I am such a cowardly person, not worthy of help. I don’t refute your point of view, you are right, but my cowardice is not caused by myself; I want to get rid of it, not something I can accomplish in one or two days. My letter asking you for help is the first step to save myself.

I have lived in a small mountain village since I was a child. My parents are ordinary farmers. They used to be very nice to me and spent all the money they earned on me. However, their abilities are limited and their family is not enough to make ends meet. If it weren't for a capable aunt, our family would have been unable to survive.

In my mother's mouth, my aunt was a very capable woman. In the early 1990s, she went south alone. Two years later, she returned to her hometown, dressed in fashionable clothes, wore gold and silver, and was generous. Others said that she had done impure things outside, so she could accumulate wealth so quickly; but my aunt didn't care much. I heard that she had made money by opening a hotel, so she opened a restaurant in the most prosperous area of ​​the county town. However, she was still young at that time and had no experience, so she quickly lost all her money.

There was no way, she could only go south to make money again, and she had not returned to her hometown for several years. The young man in the village heard some rumors, saying that his aunt became a celebrity around a big man, and now she is an unbearable person. When she returned home again, it was 1998. On a winter night, she came back quietly. She found my parents, gave them a lot of money, and a baby, and asked them to raise the baby.

Maybe you guessed that baby is me.

My aunt is actually my biological mother, I have always known this; and the person I called "Mom" is my real aunt. But after calling me for so many years, I can't change it. In order not to be confused, I still call my biological mother "Auntie".

After my aunt sent me back to her hometown, she disappeared again and no one knew where she went. It took several months before my mother received a notice from the court that it turned out that my aunt was arrested and had to be in a prison cell for three years. I guess she had already expected her ending, so she entrusted me back to her hometown!

Time flies, and my aunt released it in advance. This time she did not go to the south again, but returned to the Hong Kong city. She no longer went back to the village, but asked my mother to take me to find her frequently. My aunt does not care for people and does not have the patience. Whenever I cry, she yells at me. She also likes to smoke and drink, and she always dresses brightly. In my mother's words, my aunt always wears clothes with half of her breasts exposed. I have a bad impression of my aunt, but she is very generous to me. Whenever I meet, she will buy me a lot of clothes; she buys me a box of a small bread I like to eat.

I was still young at that time, but I was not ignorant. I could hear all the rumors in the village. When I first suspected that she was my biological mother, I cried for a long time, and I didn’t know why I cried, but I felt very uncomfortable. Later, I took the snacks she bought for me to please the children who isolated me. Unexpectedly, they said that they would not eat the things bought by the bitch, and the food they ate was full of slutiness.

Teacher Li, don’t doubt that these unpleasant words are indeed what children say. Sometimes, children’s words are more malicious. They hurt me severely. Since then, I have become more sensitive, inferior, and full of resentment towards my life experience. I don’t want to have any connection with my aunt anymore, just live quietly like this.

At that time, my grades were good. Because others isolated me, I could study without distraction. For me, studying was the only way out from this sea of ​​suffering. But all this was ruined in the year I was in junior high school. In that year, I was a boy... Yes, it was what you thought. I would never forget the fear, despair, and shame I experienced at that time. What made me even more collapsed was that the beast said with a smile, "Didn't your real mother do this?" I didn't expect you to be so shy?"

I thought about death, but I was unwilling to die like this. I didn't want to go to school anymore, so my parents even hit me, but this only accelerated my despair. After a few sleepless nights, I finally put a knife in my arms and waited at an intersection. When the boy passed by, I showed the knife in my hand without hesitation.

But the "stuttering" thing is not as easy as I imagined. I was weak and didn't know where to stab it, but I only had one idea - to kill him and then I committed suicide. But I overestimated my strength. During the struggle, I was almost killed. In the end, I was stabbed into his lower abdomen. Both hands were cut by a knife, and I was bleeding. I wanted to commit suicide, but I was stopped by the teachers and classmates passing by. They all said - say something and don't be impulsive.

I thought it was quite funny. When I was excluded, isolated, and violated, no classmate ever stood by me, and no one had ever advised those who bullied me to 'speak well if there was something to do, don't be impulsive'. I couldn't stand them and was eventually sent to the hospital.

I was only twelve years old that year, but I did hurt someone with a knife. I wonder if I would be sentenced? I was lying on the bed, and my father cursed at me, saying that I was crazy and stabbed someone for no reason, and would cause trouble for them. I couldn't listen to a word, and I just thought about how to die. Later, my aunt came and she didn't scold me like my parents. She just told me lightly that she had paid a lot of money, and the beast family took the money and shut up obediently.

I was not seriously injured. After observing in the hospital for a few hours, I was about to be discharged. I was wearing bandages on my hands and packed my things. My aunt sat on a chair, crossed her legs, and spit out smoke rings. She asked me if I would like to live with her?

Smoking is not allowed in the ward. Others stare at her with disgust, but she doesn't care at all. She still wears a low-cut dress. A man walks over and deliberately goes back to get things, but his eyes don't leave her chest.

I remembered what the beast said to me. My aunt was the one who brought me shame. I didn't answer her, and walked out of the ward with her schoolbag without looking back.

I don’t want to go to school or see anyone. I lock myself in the room every day and can only sleep on sleeping pills. I really want to swallow all the sleeping pills so that I can leave the world in my sleep. However, my mother had already expected this. She kept the sleeping pills and gave me only one every night.

One night, I was about to go to bed, and my mother hesitated to tell me that the beast had fallen to death on a motorcycle.

His death was a great joy for me, but I forgot even the instinct of happiness. I asked my mother calmly, how could it be? My mother stammered, who knows? Anyway, he threw it out and died miserably.

I vaguely felt that his death was planned by my aunt.

In jargon, he was made by my aunt.

I was shivering.

I heard from others that his brake failed. When he was downhill, the motorcycle lost control and he flew out directly and hit a parked truck. His bones were broken and he became a pool of people...

During that time, I had nightmares. I thought I would be happy if he died, but I fell into deeper fear. As soon as I closed my eyes, I saw him standing by my bed, covered in blood, but soft, like a puppet.

This time, even with medicine, I couldn't fall asleep. Long-term insomnia made me feel dazed. I longed to sleep for a while, even if I could only sleep for an hour. But I couldn't sleep any longer. I cut my wrist with a blade and secretly swallowed the pesticides, but I was rescued.

The last time I was in the hospital, my aunt came and she informed me that I would go to Hong Kong City to live with her. I still hated her, but I also wanted to change the environment urgently, so I agreed to her.

I went to Hong Kong City with her. In her luxuriously decorated home, I was at a loss. She asked me to go to school, but on the first day I forgot the way home. The city was full of traffic and buildings in a community looked the same, so I got lost. I didn't know how to find her, so I sat in the community all night. The kind security guard contacted her, and she reluctantly returned home, opened the door for me, and said word by word - don't cause trouble for me.

Her eyes reminded me of the tragic dead beast, and I was shivering. I didn't dare to tell her everything, I was made difficult by my teachers and classmates, having my period for the first time, etc... I was timid and often made myself mess up. Her first reaction was still impatient, yelling, she called me stupid, but after scolding, she would say a few soft words to me and give me a few hundred yuan bills. I was already numb and started to sleep all night. I was only in my teenage years, because of the pressure, I kept losing my hair and couldn't even eat a bite of food.

My aunt had no choice but to send me back to my hometown. But my parents in my hometown didn't want me anymore, not only because my reputation has become worse, but also because I am sick. They don't understand what mental illness is. They always say that I have mental illness and they can't deal with me.

In this way, they kicked my ball back and forth, and I felt deeply that I was a redundant person, and the idea of ​​suicide had never disappeared. In the end, my aunt took me back to Hong Kong City and found a doctor for me. In order to save trouble, she asked me to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. She said that this would be more convenient for treatment and she would not have to delay work. Even if the doctor asked me to be discharged from the hospital, she said, just live there! Anyway, I would still have to stay back in a few days.

Teacher Li, you said I lack the courage to resist, I admit it. But since I was thirteen, I have almost cut off contact with the outside world. Even at home, there are nannies watching me for 24 hours. I have experienced too much fear and been intimidated too many times. I feel that I have long died. My aunt has no feelings for me, and she has no connection with me except giving me money.

Some time ago, my aunt drank at home and I accidentally heard about her life experience. It turned out that she kept me to be a bargaining chip, but that man was useless and she wanted to abandon me.
Chapter completed!