It is a memory that was perceived in the form of a dream a long time ago.
He raised his hand when he saw himself.
That is yourself.
It is undoubtedly Su Yao.
Why?
Obviously there is no body, just a third perspective, but the heart is tingling.
"Crack."
A steaming hot dinner plate is placed on the table.
It's not a dish worthy of praise. The only one sitting around the table is myself.
"Xiao Yao. I... went to the store."
Su Ma hesitated and said something.
However, Su Yao didn't reply, just wiped the back of his hands wordlessly and ate.
“···”
silence.
She had already gone to the entrance to change into work shoes, but she came back again.
Sitting opposite Su Yao.
"Speaking of which, it's your 18th birthday in a few days. Is there any gift you want?"
"Even if I give you an expensive game, that's fine."
“···”
"What kind of creative workshop platform do you young people like? I heard it from a part-time student here. If you like the games on it, I can give it to you."
Seemingly intending to ease the atmosphere of communication with her son, she smiled and proactively raised topics that might be of interest to Su Yao.
“···”
After a moment of silence, Su Yao paused his chopsticks and said, "No need."
The tone was very cold.
The little bit of atmosphere that Su's mother deliberately created disappeared in an instant.
"ah···"
She smiled awkwardly, and then put on a gentle smile, "Anyway, I will definitely bring you a gift tomorrow, so please look forward to it."
Before Su Yao could reply, she had no time to continue the conversation.
There is a lot of work and time is tight.
The time we can communicate every day is nothing more than the little leisure time we have during the shift change every week.
What were you thinking about at that time?
He just acts coldly and violently, thinking that no one in the world matters except himself.
No, it doesn't even matter what happens to me.
I have had no father since I was a child, and I have been looked down upon for no reason. I have been isolated for no reason.
At first, it can be safely classified as being unsociable.
Because I believe what my mother said, a truly strong person can run on a rainy day without an umbrella.
But after being forced to kneel down in front of Xia Xianyue's house with her mother, her thoughts changed.
Why···
But you are the only one without an umbrella?
Why do you have to learn to run by yourself?
And why, no one believes in themselves.
Got a slap.
The moment he knelt down in humiliation.
It's all vivid in my mind.
I couldn't believe it, couldn't smile.
I can't feel any warmth in this home.
Even if she realizes that she may have done something wrong afterwards and is willing to believe in herself, does the belated forgiveness mean that she still needs to be tolerant of herself, the victim?
It was a scene that the original self would never be able to see.
After Su's mother went out, she couldn't start immediately.
Weakly, he leaned his back against the door panel and covered his mouth.
Tears fell silently down his cheeks.
"fine···"
"At least I'm willing to talk recently."
Not long after, she wiped away her tears again.
It was still a busy day at the store.
"Sorry to cause you trouble again."
The new part-time students don't know anything, and even simple first-in-last-out sorting will make mistakes.
"It doesn't matter."
But Su’s mother didn’t care, and happily helped to recreate it, while asking again, “Last time I asked you what was the popular gaming platform among young people?”
"You mean the workshop?"
"Ah, yes, are there any recommended games?"
"You...want to play by yourself?"
The part-time student asked in surprise.
"How is that possible? I don't understand those games at all, but my kids like to play them."
"Want to give it to a child to play with? How old is he?"
"I'm a year or two younger than you."
"You are one or two years younger than me, so you should still be in high school."
The part-time student smiled bitterly, "But there are too many types of games, and I don't know which type he likes."
"When I was young, I played games with small characters and the screen was divided into small squares. What kind of game was it?"
"That, it should be a card game that was not popular in computers before. No one plays that anymore."
“···”
"But since he used to like to play RPG card games, maybe he should be able to play games like Dark Wizard."
"Dark wizard?"
"Yes, this game is similar to the game you mentioned, but the picture quality and operation are better than before."
The part-time student thought for a moment and then mentioned all the console games that are popular among young people nowadays.
"Thank you very much. If you didn't tell me, I wouldn't have known there were so many ways."
"If not, I've caused you a lot of trouble."
The part-time student scratched his head and said with envy, "However, I really envy your son. If my parents were so open-minded, they wouldn't have had a big fight with them and ended up having to go to a junior college."
"It's not right to say that. It's also true that I am addicted to games."
"I'm just saying that if I could communicate with you calmly, maybe I wouldn't be so bad."
"That's not what you said."
Su's mother said with some inexplicable emotions, "As a parent... if you can't even communicate with your children, you must be derelict in your duty."
"Ah, sorry, I didn't mean your parents..."
"It doesn't matter. I don't blame them even now. It has something to do with my own immaturity."
The part-time student didn't take it seriously and said self-deprecatingly, "If I had a better attitude, I might be able to communicate by then."
“···”
Attitude?
Su's mother recalled how she looked when the incident first happened.
Couldn't calm down.
Didn't believe it.
Although the possibility of the son's innocence was not completely denied, in order to avoid the situation from escalating, the first step was to resolve the matter in an adult way. The process is not important to adults.
However, how much grievance is it to a young child?
The book I read said that a man has gold at his knees.
But as a mother, she wants her son to kneel down and apologize for unfounded charges.
——
On my 18th birthday.
【Your mother asked me to give you a birthday gift.】
[Happy birthday, I wish you all the best in your future life]
[Stranger 21545451* will give you the game Dark Witcher 3]
I did not agree to this person's friend request.
I didn’t bother to open the game when it arrived in my mailbox.
Just pretend it doesn't exist.
In the evening, Su's mother came back very late with cakes.
The snow-white cakes were probably accidentally bumped while riding an electric bicycle, and they were scattered in a mess.
No appetite.
"I'm stuffed."
"Ah, let me order another one now."
"This kind of formal thing doesn't make any sense. Instead of wasting money on buying games and things like this, it's better to keep the money. Our family is not a family that can live such a life. It's not necessary."
“···”
Su Yao didn't pay attention to how sad the face of the person behind him was after turning around.
At that time, it was really just me.
I can only see myself.
How can a person who hates himself even observe and care about others?
day to day.
It’s still the same, living life mechanically.
Until one day I received a call from a stranger.
"Are you Sister Su's son?"
"Hurry and come to Dongshi No. 1 Hospital. Your mother suddenly fainted while moving things just now!"
“···”
to be honest.
When he arrived at the hospital and received the critical illness notice from the doctor, Su Yao had an unreal feeling.
How is it possible?
The person who was still talking yesterday may die today?
But the words were indeed written with trembling hands.
After the opinion letter was withdrawn, the red light did come on during the operation.
The surgery fee was paid in advance by the store manager where he worked. He briefly comforted Su Yao and stayed for a while before leaving.
Su Yao was left sitting alone on the cold bench in the corridor.
Someone passed by with a cane and a bandage. It was a middle-aged man. He spat thick phlegm into the trash can.
nausea.
Not just because of seeing this scene.
Feeling of dizziness.
Looking at the red light that kept shining, my head started to feel dizzy.
What the doctor just said was——
‘Because the patient has long-term malnutrition, coupled with high-intensity labor, he also suffers from hypoglycemia and high blood pressure...’
What's coming?
shock.
Broken blood vessel?
Every minute and every second is full of suffering.
To this day, I still don’t know how I spent that short hour.
"bite."
The lights in the surgery finally dimmed.
The doctor wearing a mask walked out, and in Su Yao's eyes, his movements seemed to have slowed down ten times.
His fingers were wrapped around the elastic band, and the mask hung to the side.
The mouth is slightly open.
Wiping the fine beads of sweat on his forehead, his Adam's apple rolled and finally made a sound, "The operation went well. Your mother is fine. She will be infused with fluids and observed for two days."
When the bed was pushed out, Su Ma was still unconscious. Only her weak and painful face was exposed.
Su Yao stayed by the hospital bed all night.
Seeing that face that no longer wore the smile that I had always found to be hypocritical and disgusting, I felt a lump in my throat.
What have you been doing during this time?
"...Xiao Yao?"
So, I heard the weak voice ringing in the darkness again.
I couldn't help but burst into tears.
"...I'm really sorry."
"I've always been so willful."
Really, I burst into tears.
Now that I think about it, I completely understand.
Because at that time, I suddenly got a glimpse of the truth that I should have known for a long time.
I know that the woman lying in the hospital bed is not only under tremendous pressure to survive and overworked, but also has been actively making amends for the wrong things she has done.
In other words, take a step back and think about it.
At that time, all the adults could do was to let things go. No matter how much arguments were made, as long as the matter was brought to a head, it would be a devastating blow to the family.
After all, since my family does not have the financial strength of Xia Xianyue, it is not true that I will transfer to another school at worst.
That night was the first time in five years that I had a real conversation with Su's mother.
——
Although he is still slightly autistic, it is different from the time when he came back from school and just huddled in his room and stared at the computer screen.
Su Yao often works part-time outside.
Although Su's mother was against it at first, she had nothing to say when she saw that Su Yao's grades rose instead of falling.
I will also know where the group photo found from the bedroom came from.
That was a girl I met by chance.
Two levels younger than Su Yao, he works part-time at the convenience store where Su's mother works.
"I think Xiao Qiao is interested in you."
"No, she is only 16 years old."
"What's wrong with being 16? A 16-year-old girl is in her prime. You see, you can't even make a single female friend in college. It's okay to find some potential talents to raise first."
"Please, can you wait until I get into college to talk about this? Last time the shop owner even chatted with me and asked me if I had never had a girlfriend. He asked me to get one while I was young. You brought up the topic of co-authorship.
Bar?"
"I don't force you to go to 985.211 when it comes to college. It's okay if you have a second degree. But it's hard to find a pure girl these days. You must keep this in mind and take action if you have the chance."
"Start directly..."
Su Yao was speechless, "I'm still young and don't want to go to the Inspectorate for tea."
"What are you talking about, brat? I'm asking you to get to know each other, not to commit a crime. If you continue to have this kind of interpersonal relationship, I'm really afraid that one day you will go to extremes."
"Okay, then you should prepare a speech from the criminal's mother in advance."
"Ah, the little girl is here. It seems she is here to see you."
While we were talking, the little girl we were talking about at the beginning came.
Her face was flushed and she was holding a miniature camera.
"that···"
"Auntie, Brother Xiao Yao, I plan to resign after finishing today."
"Isn't there still about ten days before school starts?"
Su Ma asked in surprise.
"Sorry, there's something wrong."
She lowered her head.
"Well, then there's nothing we can do about it."
The atmosphere became a little weird for a while.
"that!"
But she quickly raised her face, took a peek at Su Yao, and said, "I, I would like to take a photo with everyone as a souvenir before I leave, okay?"
This is how the photo with Su’s mother came about.
There should have been more besides.
For example, it was with that little girl, but Su Yao threw it away.
"These are all passers-by in life."
This is what Su Yao thought.
"It's just because you're always like this that you have no friends. I'm really worried."
"Don't worry. When you get into college, you can hand in the ten or eight and bring them back to the head office, right? By then, our family's situation should be much better."
···
Debt is decreasing year by year.
Until the eve of the college entrance examination, I completely paid it off.
The house has finally purchased new furniture and electrical appliances.
Even my laptop, which I had never planned to replace, was replaced with a new one. In the words of Su’s mother, it was a reward.
My family must be a unique one.
Su's mother never forced Su Yao to achieve certain grades or abilities, and never required those things.
Even when the college entrance examination was approaching, I was completely different from what other parents did.
Other children are kept at home, or go to and from the library or study room.
Instead, Su Yao was dragged away to travel.
It was said that it was easy to have time for a long vacation to make up for the gap. We went to the winter market and Shihai in the nearby city and other scenic spots.
Others were studying hard in the study room, while Su Yao was watching giant pandas in Shihai.
But Su Yao doesn't need to improvise, all the knowledge he needs is in his head.
When I got home, I took a few more supplementary glances and then rushed to the examination room.
The weather was nice that day, my stomach felt warm after drinking the porridge, and I performed well.
"I think it will be no problem to get admitted to Winter University."
"The scores that can be used to go to Winter University are not much different from Kyoto or Southwest University of Science and Technology, right?"
"I only applied for Winter University and two nearby universities."
"Wow, is such a big kid still reluctant to leave home?"
"I think... it's always more comfortable to stay closer to home."
To be honest, Su Yao was still a little embarrassed to say this.
"Well, actually I think it would be better for my son to be closer. But I still feel sad when I think of my lovely son getting married and kicking me out of the house. Uh-huh."
"What are you talking about! You're already old."
"Haha, your mother and I have recently learned how to surf the Internet! I also know how to use the Internet a little better."
“···”
Afterwards, we got good results as expected.
If nothing goes wrong, everything will indeed develop for the better. We can look forward to the future.
But I don't know.
The debt was paid off so quickly because my mother accepted gifts from the people she used to kneel to.
I don't know what's going on with her body either.
How much is hidden?
I really don't know.
There is only one thing you can know.
I was admitted to Dongshi University as I wished.
On the third day after receiving the admission notice, my mother died in a car accident.
——
At this point I started thinking about philosophical issues.
'What do people live for?'
The myth of Sisyphus told me that people should still love life even when they know that the life they have has no meaning and expectations.
The problem is, I can't love it.
Nihilism tells me that every minute and second of human life is to fight against nothingness and boredom.
The problem is, there's no way to fight it.
The idea of existence tells me that you already exist. Since you exist, do something and do whatever you want. Focus on enjoying yourself.
The problem is, I can't find the goal, let alone the reason for existence.
I didn't want to die at first, but I just walked among the crowd for a while. Although I was in a bustling area, I felt cold to the bone.
There are obviously people everywhere, but I feel extremely lonely.
I don't think it was suicide, just a pure accident.
It happened that I took my right foot at the red light, and a car that didn't care about it happened to come from the left. Just in time, I was hit and flew away.
That's all.
At that time, I was lying in the warm muddy water, letting the rain mixed with blood flow on my cheeks. I couldn't move, and I didn't want to move.
Just like that, the consciousness rises and falls.
[Find a host that meets the requirements]
【Question】
【Are you willing to exchange an equal price for a new life? 】
[In your new life you will have the opportunity to start everything over again, and you will meet anyone you want to see]
【···】
At that time, I failed to notice what the price it mentioned actually meant.
I just gave up on this world and plunged into another real world.
Until now, I can recall them all.
The so-called price is——
【You will lose the possibility in the current world.】
[If you go back to the world due to uncertain factors including BUG, the chance of getting back on track is one in a million]
[Love games follow the law of conservation of energy in the universe, which means that if you gain anything, you must lose an equal amount of anything]
[Then, you are welcome to load the beta version of the love game]
[The functions of the beta version are limited, and the opening time of the official version is tentative]
[Basic skills are not available yet]
[You are about to go to coordinates 358.46.23.57]
[All of us at Love Game wish you a pleasant experience in your new life]
——
Until this point.
Su Yao remembered them all.
I personally gave up the warmth left behind in this world. The possibility of getting it back is only a ridiculous one in a million. So how could I seize such a small chance with my half-hearted level?
"Ahhh."
Curling up in the consciousness space provided by the love game, in a cramped space filled with walls.
Tears streaming down my face.
Because I remember the memory I want to escape from.
Then stand up and face the wall.
An illusory door suddenly appeared on the pure white wall.
Want to go out.
Because there is still someone I want to see.
Because there is still something we can do. Even if we have to pay any price.