I also think of Chandelier March. I remember that stupid woman was humble and selfish to the point of disgusting, but in the end she made people feel warm feelings.
I also remembered riding a fish across the sea with You Ye.
Thinking back to the first time Youye's self-righteousness blossomed and allowed herself to live alone.
Ten years later, I still remember everything, including the cute faces of the two children.
Go to the convenience store where my mother works.
Shooting and killing anyone in court is remembered.
Children from single-parent families may mature earlier.
I thought I could get better. I began to gain confidence, walked into school without fear, and began to explore the world with curiosity.
Because I don’t want to see people, I only go out quietly at night and late at night to take a look.
"She doesn't have many friends. I think she might get along well with the teacher."
The reason why I was able to go to Dongshi University to report again was because I searched on the Internet for such a stupid question as "How do people find the motivation to live?"
It’s not clear how Jasmine did it, but she certainly didn’t feel any pressure from her and it was clear that she was indeed interested or listening attentively.
Only when you are mentally mature and can truly think about yourself will you have the opportunity to take off these colored glasses.
That thing was not as simple as it seemed to me when I was a child at that time, but who cares about what happened ten years ago?
I guess my mother doesn't want me to recall the past ten years ago, but now that I see things about her, my mood doesn't change.
But it is because of this little thought that I actually made some friends.
"Because the teacher has never received or called anyone here. It's normal not to have a girlfriend, but if you have friends, you will check your phone at least once and send messages."
I have never seen anything like this with Jasmine. When she can pick up a topic, she will add a little bit of her own opinion in a gentle voice. If she can't pick up the topic, she will show curious eyes and urge the other party to continue talking.
But it's a pity that I waited too long in order to find a way out for myself.
"Big brother."
It’s not that I suddenly gained motivation from these words.
"Teacher is very similar to my good friend in many ways."
Well, it’s Jasmine.
Every time I went there, either the nanny would make good tea, or she would make good black tea herself.
We are all adults, so in order not to affect our credits, we all tacitly call anything that happens outside school an accident. The school doesn't bother to pursue it, since they are all minor injuries anyway.
However, what will happen if I get admitted to Dongshi University when my mother is no longer there?
There is really no way to define this as a good thing, so there is no way to smile about it.
But everyone is like this, right?
Wearing a mask during the day, only in the dead of night will you take out your heart and repair it, barely surviving the night, so that you can force a smile during the day.
And it’s amazing and something I still can’t understand.
Jasmine is probably the completely opposite type of social butterfly to me.
I think it is impossible for adults to kneel down.
During the ten-year timeline, Su Yao rarely tried to understand her mother from her perspective.
From the point of view of cannibalism, he is a bad person.
I have never told you how you felt about giving birth to me.
“···”
This kind of person is really rare, at least it is the first time for me to see him.
Can something be defined as a good thing if the only person who can share it is no longer there?
It sounds a little funny.
Who will define it?
Who defines bad?
If someone's cherished being is about to die, then you only need to kill another person's cherished being to survive.
But there must have been many insignificant details that made me understand that she didn't hate me in my subjective consciousness.
"What I said... I feel so miserable when I hear it."
"Are you talking about matchmaking?"
And because of this disgust, I began to look at every move she made and every word she said through colored glasses.
Because being able to tell my mother about "successfully admitted to Dongshi University" would make her happy, so it was logical to call it a good thing.
——
I can’t tell how I feel relieved now that things have happened.
I began to hate Xia Xianyue from a long time ago again. Why is the ghost still lingering until now?
That was what she suddenly said one day.
"Ah Yao..."
Some people say that you should go to work when you are prone to wandering thoughts. Once people become busy, they will no longer have free time to think about philosophy.
"ah?"
Those voices seemed so close.
Hate everything.
I don’t want to whitewash those who kill the same kind of people, I just want to say that no matter whether a person is a friend, a relative, or a lover... everyone is treated with their own subjective consciousness.
I asked.
“···”
All I can think about is... Do I need to change my shoes for such a beautiful carpet? Should I speak louder or softer? If I need to change my shoes, are the socks I wore today a little dirty and can I show it to others? What did she think when she saw me looking so shabby?
Aren’t you starting to dislike it already?
But I was very honest and explained my situation openly and honestly to the instructors who cared about me.
The university's academic office called and asked when to report.
The music teacher who recommended me to be Jasmine’s tutor told me that Jasmine went to study abroad for family reasons.
There is also alcoholism.
Now I remember.
It is undoubtedly a good thing to be admitted to Dongshi University.
It's like a person who has been sleeping for a long time is suddenly being called out...
Sometimes I hate her so much that I would question her coldly, "A prisoner like me shouldn't have been born."
I've figured it out a long time ago.
It doesn't matter, it's just a scheming thing anyway, and it doesn't cost a lot of money.
Does it mean that my mother looked at me with more disgust when she gave birth to me than when she asked me to kneel down?
Do you often stare at me crying in the cradle and think about strangling me to death?
"No, they are good friends. From the bottom of my heart, I think maybe she can become friends with the teacher."
In the end, I didn't meet her good friends either.
Don't want to go to school.
···
God knows how long I watched.
——
Jasmine held her chin with one hand and looked out the window, "I can't explain clearly, but it just feels like it."
"No. If it's something or someone you're worried about, you should at least check the time. If you don't pay attention to anything, it means that the teacher doesn't care about anyone or anything."
"gloomy?"
Missed very much.
"Where does it look like?"
In the past, it was very common for people on one side to be talking, while the person on the other side would look at their mobile phones from time to time. No matter what the purpose was, it would give people a sense of impatience or that they did not want to listen anymore.
"It doesn't matter. I think the teacher is a very good person. I am also a girl. After spending time with the teacher, I can basically confirm that the teacher is a harmless insect."
Children can't understand it.
Some people also say that if you can't bear it, go and see the tragic remains of those who committed suicide.
When I came back to my senses, my mother was no longer alive.
But soon, this wishful thinking was ruthlessly destroyed because I met a classmate from elementary school. He told others that I molested a female student in my class in elementary school. When I found out about it, I fought with him.
When I feel discouraged, I often think about it.
What is Keren’s definition of a good thing?
I realized a few years ago that I needed to take off my colored glasses.
That was before I was voluntarily bound to the love game.
“···”
“···”
When the mother I identified with in my subjective consciousness no longer existed, and I couldn't find anyone else to rely on, my grievances naturally turned into disgust.
I opened the curtains that hadn't been touched for a long time and opened the windows to let in the light from the outside.
Anyway...I don't care anymore, I plan to start living a serious life again from today.
Well, let me add one more thing: this person has not even dared to kill chickens since he was a child because he would faint from blood.
Children's minds are empty and they only think that adults can do anything.
And what about me?
I was admitted to an ideal and good university when no one was optimistic about it, and I never smiled. I could neither be ordinary happy nor ordinary disappointed.
Others say that at this time, you can see and try anything. This is how people try to find their own meaning over and over again.
But the way she is popular is different from the "fashionable" ones I have seen in the class. Even though she is a eldest lady, she always wears a common type of clothing, and she always behaves like a listener when talking to people.
.
But it's a pity.
The sound of traffic outside became increasingly clear.
When I was cleaning up, I found the greeting card that was supposed to be mine in my mother's room.
It's not without malicious slander. Just die if you want to.
I don't know if it was a strange desire to win or what, but I suddenly became tired of living like a mouse.
After all, I have no experience in making friends at all. I have been a loner since elementary school.
"Um···"
However, my expectation of being barely competent was completely different from what the teacher expected. To be honest, the first time I went to her mansion made me extremely nervous, let alone that I, who had never taught anyone before, could handle this kind of environment with ease.
Who to teach.
"How about I find a time to introduce my good friend to the teacher?"
The stagnant smell of cigarettes, alcohol and other things in the house were all pushed out.
"If it's a girl, I don't think it's good."
I find that I haven't listened carefully to anyone's voice for a long time.
Even though the university delayed my reporting time due to my special circumstances, I obviously overestimated my social level. When I got to school, I naturally had few friends.
Hate everything.
But what happened to my mother before she gave birth to me, she never told me.
If I disappear like this and see my mother... no, people who commit suicide will only go to hell and will not even be qualified to see their mother.
They seemed to know about my situation through some channels and comforted me to move on.
When I came to my senses again, Jasmine suddenly disappeared.
It was indeed a mouse-like life.
"Wow--"
And who carefully chooses to kill a being who has committed heinous crimes and is hated by everyone? Is he a good or a bad person?
"Well..."
Sender: Xia.
No father.
When I went to get the admission notice, I saw some people telling someone they were happy because they had passed the exam, and some people were comforted by someone because they were disappointed because they didn't pass the exam.
Based on my situation, she recommended me to be a tutor. Firstly, I can work-study, Dongshi University encourages students to do this, and secondly, being a tutor can help me develop self-confidence. If I have to teach someone who is younger than me,
students may not be so nervous.
"I am a high school student, and my friend is also a high school student. Is the teacher's idea dangerous? But she is indeed a beautiful girl."
We go to the supermarket where we occasionally go shopping together, and the park along the river where we occasionally go for a walk.
"But I pay attention to the teacher, but the teacher never looks at me."
To put it bluntly, the composition looks like it was written by a primary school student.
"Classmate Su Yao..."
Thanks to her gentle personality, I finally felt less nervous after a while, and teaching her things became much smoother.
It's a completely different day from ordinary people.
This is a bit strange. In my opinion, she should be the kind of person with top-notch emotional intelligence, but poor in liberal arts.
Her parents are not at home all year round, only the nanny is there.
But the matter had already been told by him, and all my ordinary friends who had finally come to me disappeared in an instant.
Even so, I did it for the existence I cherish.
But I didn't care at all, hiding in a dark corner of the room smoking a cigarette, surrounded by a circle of empty beer cans.
But it was far more than that, Su Yao recalled an even longer memory.
Go to the restaurant where my mother works.
Don't want to see anyone's face.
But the more I think about it, the more I feel useless. Why can't I control my emotions so much? If I could be calmer, I would never be in this situation. But now it's too late to say anything.
She is a slightly scientific type.
Remember now.
The reason why I hate my mother is just a little bit.
——
If you want to be a listener, you should neither look at the other person all the time nor completely ignore him. So where should you place your eyes when you are not looking at the other person? And what actions should you take to let the other person know that you are still listening attentively?
"Harmless bugs are harmless bugs."
I laughed awkwardly.
However, what surprises me is that the answers to this question on the Internet are uniformly serious.
"Is she really a matchmaker?!"
By saying this, does it make you feel better about him?
I said thank you to her in the personal contact information, and she replied that she hoped I would be healthy and get better. It was a very energetic reply.
I have no choice but to think about a lot of random things involuntarily.
Different from the Jasmine I saw here, the Jasmine in my memory was well-educated, and she always spoke in a gentle voice, leaving a good impression on her.
That's when smoking started.
When I was faced with accusations and slander, I did not live up to my subjective image of being able to stand up and protect my children. Instead of protecting me, they gave me a slap in the face.
"So where does it look like?"
"Harmless bugs?"
The tutor's side job is to teach music, and he also appeared in this world to help him become Jasmine's tutor.
I had never asked or thought about asking about her before.
"Maybe it's because I'm dedicated?"
She paused, "But the teacher is a bit too withdrawn. Does he have a girlfriend?"
"It's a joke."
——
Just as the music teacher said, I did gain some confidence from Jasmine, and gradually I was able to occasionally talk to people around me.
I began to think that it was not difficult to talk to people. I always have two umbrellas in my shoe cabinet. According to the logic mentioned by Jasmine, I would hand over an umbrella to a student from the same university who did not bring an umbrella, telling the other person that I happened to have extra.
A handful. Some people will return it politely, while others may forget it after taking it.
In short, I find it strange. My question is obviously ‘how do people find the motivation to live’, so why does everyone think I want to die?
No, I didn't plan that.
People's definitions of good and evil even say that all words in the world can be said to be just conceptual words.
No matter what, I can't shed tears in front of others.
"Did you really do that in elementary school?"
Thinking that the mentor who had been helping me looked at me strangely, I suddenly became extremely frustrated.
“···”
Not long after that, I was feeling depressed and didn't go to school. I bumped into her in the Yanjiang Park where I used to walk with my mother, who would later change the course of my life.
Now that I think about it, I think maybe fate plays tricks on people. Whether it’s her or me.