"I failed at the age of eighteen. I would like to take this letter to bid farewell to my youth."
Hello, it is July 31, 2021, the last day of July, and also the day when "Blood Curtain Ming" is completed. In this article, I want to tell you and myself about the entire creation of "Blood Curtain Ming"
The process starts from 2015 to 2021.
Although six years have passed, I still clearly remember that summer vacation. When I was 13 years old, I stayed at home alone. Since I didn’t have a mobile phone, I had already read the comic novels countless times. I was still young and came up with the idea of writing novels out of boredom.
thoughts.
I picked up a drawing pencil and wrote the first word on the yellow composition text. It seems now that I was completely connected with the words from the moment I started writing.
That afternoon, I excitedly wrote 900 words according to the picture in my mind, and thought about the subsequent plot development. However, children are always passionate. When I finished writing these 900 words and put the composition book back in the drawer,
After that, it lay dormant for half a year.
By the time I dug it out again, I was already 14 years old. I registered an account on a certain K novel website and began to officially serialize my first novel, "The Bloody Supreme" online. However, after publishing a few chapters,
I was very dissatisfied with what I wrote, so I stopped again and started reading novels, films and television works.
In this way, I spent 2016 reading a large number of novels, animations, movies, and TV series. This year, I remember that I read more than 80 online novels on a certain software, and came into contact with Zhu Ziqing, Ye Shengtao, Lao She and many other outstanding writers.
writer.
I was born in a single-parent family that was not rich, but at least had no worries about food and drink. When I saw Lao She's "Camel Xiangzi", I knew the cruel side of reality for the first time, which left a deep impression on my young heart.
's imprint.
Mr. Ye Shengtao made me understand how to live with his article "A Place Without Autumn Insects", while Mr. Zhu Ziqing made me completely immersed in words with his beautiful words.
I noticed that single words are cold, but when they are brought together, they can become energetic and emotional, and this also made writing change from an initial interest to a hobby of mine.
So in 2017, I went to a certain Chinese website and published "Wuling Tianqiong" on it. The protagonist is still Ling Feng, but the story is completely opposite. This is the second version of "Blood Curtain Ming".
I wrote 160,000 words one after another in half a year. I wanted to continue serializing it, but my phone suddenly broke and the memory card inside was damaged on the same day and could not be read. My saved manuscripts and all my ideas were lost.
Disappeared.
I was really desperate and collapsed that day. I wanted to continue writing, but I had no idea at all in my mind. I lost my outline and saved my manuscript, so I didn't know how the plot should develop later.
In this way, my second attempt failed. I was not writing a novel. I was just recording accidental inspiration. I spent more time reading other people's works. When I saw an author who has a large number of readers, I
Envy, my chest felt tight, and I forcibly diverted my attention from thinking about the unfinished novel.
During this period, when I was 15 years old, I began to have requirements for reading. I liked to read some essays, documentaries, and movies. On the contrary, I didn’t have much contact with novels. I just took a look at the popular ones. I didn’t read them as before.
I kept looking for books to read.
I arrived in 2018 in a daze and became a junior high school student. Because I was addicted to novels and had no intention of studying, my grades were very poor. Should I choose to study hard and get admitted to a school with low score requirements, or write novels full-time became a question for me in the second half of my life.
Something I have been thinking about for the past semester.
The turning point happened in the second half of the semester of 2018, when a relative of mine suddenly came to my home. She was my "aunt" and took my younger siblings who were still in elementary school and kindergarten.
But now it’s not appropriate to call me aunt, because my uncle cheated and got divorced. What’s interesting is that my mom also cheated on me when I was in sixth grade, and took away my dad’s money, which caused me to
Life is very embarrassing.
She did not distance herself from me because of my uncle. She has always cared about my interests and hobbies since I was young. When I was in the first grade of junior high school, I was very interested in moonwalking. When I was a guest by chance, I played because I was bored.
After a moment, she noticed it.
At that time she asked me: "Do you like dancing?"
My answer was that it was just for fun. After that, my aunt and I had no contact for a long time, until I learned about the news that my uncle had brought another woman home in the third grade of junior high school.
This made me very angry, but at the same time I was somewhat glad that she was able to discover my uncle's true identity as early as possible, compared to how it would have been a few years later.
When she came to my house, she noticed the paintings on the table. I want to mention here that I actually taught myself painting for two years before writing the novel. However, because I did not get systematic study, I could only simply copy other people's works.
After I came into contact with novels, I gradually put aside painting because I thought I was more talented in writing novels.
She asked me again: "Do you like drawing?"
Looking into her eyes, I hesitated for a while before speaking, and this time my answer was, "No, I draw when I'm bored. I'm writing a novel now."
In fact, I didn't have much confidence to tell her that I was writing a novel, because my writing was not very good, but I thought I should tell her what I really liked.
But she looked very surprised when she heard it. She leaned forward slightly, looked at me and said, "Writing a novel? What do you use to write it?"
"Use your phone."
"do you have?"
Her words made me feel a little uncomfortable. I leaned on the table and held the edge of the table with my hands. Due to family reasons, I couldn’t get a second phone after my first one broke. Even when I was in the second grade of junior high school, I couldn’t get a second one.
I borrowed it from my brother.
I said: "I had it before, but now it's broken."
"Then do you still write?"
Looking into her eyes, I hesitated again for a while, but finally nodded.
She immediately started thinking, and then said to me: "How about I give you my other mobile phone."
I originally wanted to refuse, but seeing how supportive she was of my interest and my love for writing novels, I agreed. Here I would like to thank her for her generosity and trust in me.
Then she sat for a while and then rode away with my brothers and sisters. I can’t remember now whether she went back and gave me the phone immediately that day, or the next day, but I remember she gave it to me.
Not long after leaving the phone, he hurried back and told me the password.
I stood on the rooftop, holding the mobile phone she gave me in my hand, watching her put on a helmet and ride a motorcycle and disappear into the distance. For the first time, I felt what it felt like to be supported. It was from this moment on,
I chose novels.
I want it to be my future career, not just because I love it, but also because I don't want to let down her support for me.
Since I left her that day, I haven't contacted her again because I returned to my hometown after graduating from junior high school, and I still dare not contact her until now because I was such a failure and I was ashamed.
Back to the topic, after getting a mobile phone, I began to plan to be a full-time writer in the future. Here, I want to tell you that hard work does not necessarily mean
Success, and going to school are the only things we can be rewarded for as long as we work hard.
The reason why I gave up studying was because I was playful and lost the qualification to continue studying. I didn't want to use any dreams to defend myself. If I didn't study seriously, I didn't study seriously.
But I am qualified to do the job I like. I like the process of gradually presenting the world, characters, and stories in my mind word by word when writing. I enjoy this process.
And I saw that many authors had made money and received the attention of a large number of readers through their novels. This gave me more confidence at the age of 16. I told myself, "I should be able to do it too."
So I immediately began to prepare for full-time writing in the future. The first thing I thought of was that I lacked experience, knowledge and experience, and I did not have the ability to become a full-time writer immediately.
So after graduating from junior high school, I did not choose to enter a technical school. Technical schools could not provide me with such help. I chose to contact a hairdressing shop in Guangzhou through relatives and work as an apprentice there.
There were three reasons why I chose Guangzhou and the hairdressing industry.
First, here I can see all kinds of people, people from different social strata, and I need to communicate with them when I perform services, so that my experience will grow at an extremely fast rate.
Second, the peculiarity of the barber shop is that I only work when the customers come, instead of working for several hours. Then I can use my free time to write, study, and be an important inspiration.
You can also write it down when it comes.
Third, Guangzhou is an extremely developed city in China. I can see various scenes in China here to make up for my lack of vision.
More than two months after graduating from junior high school, I arrived in Guangzhou in September 2018 and started my apprenticeship for more than a year. I was very uncomfortable in the first few days and was extremely confused about my future. It took me eight or nine days to
Sort out your emotions and officially get into work.
Being an apprentice in a hair salon requires you to start by washing hair. This is my first job. When serving customers, I will take the initiative to find topics to chat and observe the customers' reactions.
If the customer's reaction is dull, then I know that I just need to keep my mouth shut and do my job seriously. If the customer wants to chat, then I will also try to figure out what the customer is saying and think carefully about how I should answer to achieve the best effect.
.
In this way, my communication and social skills have been greatly improved, and it has been of great help to my writing. I have learned to put myself in someone else’s shoes and think about what people with different personalities would say, so that I can better write
To create an image of a character.
After more than a month, I gradually got used to working eleven hours a day, going to work at ten in the morning and leaving at eleven at night, and preparing the outline for the novel in my free time.
Compared to the previous two times, I had a more detailed plan. From the world background to the division of the training system, the characterization of the characters, the arrangement of foreshadowing and the direction of the plot, I wrote them down one by one and divided the plot into Lan.
There are nine parts: City, Ten Thousand Kingdoms, Thousands of Sects, Hundreds of Families, Ice Tomb, Foreign Land, Demon Territory, Fushan, and the finale.
During the time when I was preparing the outline, I saw another side of Guangzhou. Before coming to Guangzhou, this city had always been an unreachable and prosperous city in my eyes as I was born in a small rural area.
But when I actually lived in an urban village in Guangzhou, I discovered that the environment was neat and clean. There were only so many places that were clean. Hidden behind the high-rise buildings were urban villages with dense housing. Even in developed commercial districts, it was a long walk away.
Later, we will come to streets filled with dust and broken bricks.
At this time, I felt more and more that my choice was correct. The improvement of experience made me realize that the things I saw and heard were not necessarily real. Only by experiencing it myself can I get the answer closest to the truth.
Going out to work in society early made me become more mature at a young age, and I began to feel pressured by money and worried about the future.
After I initially completed the outline, I couldn't wait to start revising the book information on a certain Chinese website. "Blood Curtain" was born, which is the third edition of the novel.
I use my free time at work to write. In the process of revising the second version, I can clearly find that I have improved. I will consider which picture in the scene to describe, what angle to write from, and I will think about the characters.
I will lay down the psychological motivations to pave the way for the plot.
But the development that followed was completely different from what I imagined. In terms of career, I gained no money. I kept failing to apply for a contract on a certain website. The number of clicks was always in single digits. My collection seemed to never change, and comments never appeared.
Romantically, I just lost the person I wanted to take care of for the rest of my life, but now it seems that she was right.
The successive blows made me, who was originally full of energy and enthusiasm, begin to lose confidence and doubt my abilities. I read my own articles over and over again. I compared myself with authors who are popular and loved by readers to see where I am.
If there are any deficiencies, there is still room for improvement.
Although there were no readers to watch, I still did not give up. I looked at myself and improved my abilities little by little. I memorized lyrics, I wrote short essays, and I looked for my mistakes and areas for improvement word by word.
.
Just like this, it’s May 2019. I’ve been in society for more than half a year. Although I’m not willing to give in, I’ve become accustomed to my unchanging clicks to save comments. Applying for a contract has become like a routine task. I calmly send
Apply, and then calmly watch the rejection notice.
But it didn’t take long for bad things to come to me after I had written more than a hundred chapters. Due to a certain Chinese website being censored, a large number of my chapters were blocked. Without a contract, I couldn’t go to the editor to solve the problem, so I had to talk to customer service.
communicate.
When I wake up every morning, I first check to see if the chapter has been unblocked and if there is any new news, but every day I am only disappointed, with no progress, and the customer service never gives a reply.
During that time, I was extremely frightened. I made up my mind to achieve success in writing, to become a full-time writer, to live up to her support, and to rely on novels to earn living expenses for myself. The result was just the beginning.
It's over.
I was not happy at all during the past six months. I thought I could have readers, sign contracts, and gain money, but I only got blanks, rejections, and losses.
The heavy blow made me fall into deep anxiety. After work every day, I got off work at 11pm. My roommate and I were lying on the bed. I was lying in the innermost room. The small shared room was very depressing. I looked at the darkness.
The ceiling, tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep, eyes closed and opened again, all that was on my mind was always.
"what do I do?"
"What will I become in the future?"
“Should I continue writing novels?”
After this continued for a few days, I realized that if I really sank and gave up, my future would definitely be dark. I picked myself up again and got rid of my worries about the future.
I logged in to my registered author account on the Zongheng Chinese website, deleted the books published at a certain point, and started serializing here on May 31, 2019.
After publishing tens of thousands of words, I found the editor of Zongheng Chinese Network and submitted a contract application to him, and then it was approved.
That day I was not as happy as I imagined.
I was very calm and began to reorganize my novels. I wanted to create better works that would make paying readers feel worthwhile. This is how the third edition of "Blood Curtain" was born.
Although I did not get the attention of the editor in the future, and there was no change at all when I clicked on the comment collection, at least things started to get better.
I am grateful to this editor, and even more grateful to Zongheng Chinese Network for adjusting the author’s benefits and contracts. If nothing unexpected happens, I think I will finish writing all my novels here.
Starting from May 31, 2019, I serialized "Blood Curtain" on the Zongheng Chinese website, and in 2020, I realized that continuing to stay in the hair salon would not bring me improvement, so I decided to return home and start a full-time job
writing.
I stayed alone in the mountains, with only the chirping of insects and birds to accompany me. My family’s incomprehension and the pressure of reality made it impossible for me to return to my previous writing state. I was troubled because I had no money, and I doubted myself because I had no support and encouragement.
Was the choice wrong?
The uncertainty of the future has brought me huge panic and expectations, fear of failure in life and expectation that things will turn around, with the former accounting for the majority.
Because success is invisible, failure is something I experience every day. Every time I see the brilliance of others, it feels like a mountain is weighing heavily on my heart. I am envious, but not jealous.
Because I know that I am not good enough, I force myself to forget the fact that no one cares about me, smile in the mirror every day, encourage myself that I will get better in the future, and then cheer up to browse materials and write.
But this can only deceive myself, because time keeps flowing and reality keeps changing. This year I am eighteen years old, I will be 19 soon, and in two years I will be twenty-one, and there is not much time left for me.
Now, I have to work hard to write better works in the past two years to earn money to support my writing.
I'm not worried about failing again, because I'm a failure now and have accomplished nothing. At the same time, I have nothing to lose, so naturally I'm not afraid of failure.
I was born mediocre and experienced mediocre experiences. My life record before the age of 18 was full of failures. If I didn’t work hard and be brave enough to try, I might not even have any fireworks recorded in the revolving door when I died.
Instead of living a conservative and mediocre life, I want to devote all my energy to doing things that I like and love when I am young.
Although it is very likely that over a long period of time, the blood that was originally rolling like waves will gradually turn into a dead black water.
But even if such a day comes, I will not regret the decision I made when I was 16 years old.
Since it is my own choice, I should bear the consequences by myself. Whether it is failure or success, I should feel it myself.
Now looking back at everything that has happened to me in the past six years, it can be said that all my youth has been dedicated to this novel, and many of the decisions I have made were born for it. Whether it is work or study, I am all for it.
Improve my writing skills, because I love novels and novels.
If I had not regarded writing novels as something I must complete and do well, then I would not have been able to rewrite a novel three times in six years, and I have even written the fourth time in my future schedule.
Because I feel that as an author, a writer must have a sense of responsibility for his own works. Just like as a parent, we need to let our children be exposed to good things, grow up well, have love and kindness, and use
He learns to be strong and empathetic.
The same is true for novels. As an author, I should let the novel develop according to the rules of its world, let the characters do things according to their own personalities, and let the novel have its own rules, instead of modifying or even destroying it at will.
original things.
But did I do it?
I didn't do it. Because of the update, I often failed to properly conceive the story and complete the detailed plot. I also didn't take my chapters seriously. In the later stage, I had to write it in advance because I had no income.
end.
After I finished writing "Blood Curtain", I didn't have the joy or sense of accomplishment that I had imagined, because I failed to do everything I asked for. I even doubted whether I was qualified to publish this closing speech. I can't help it.
This novel is also sorry to the readers (if there are any.)
The motto I gave myself when I was 16 was "write for the sake of writing", but now I still end up focusing on money. Because of money, I hastily ended this novel. I'm really sorry.
But I initially chose the career of being a writer not because of money, but because of love and responsibility.
Although in the years of writing "Blood Curtain", all I got was unhappiness, and my unhappiness was because of it, but when I write a plot that satisfies me, I will forget the troubles from reality,
I was happy for a while, but then I remembered that all I liked was novels and writing.
Good plots make me happy, but bad plots are like thorns growing in the novel. When I casually browse through them, I will notice them immediately and quickly avoid them, because I am afraid of these thorns.
I don't want to see them, I feel ashamed.
I don’t want to do this anymore with my next novel. I just want to do it well and try my best to complete it, and don’t make the same mistake of writing "Blood Curtain" again.
As for money and support, I know that I can only get it and deserve it when my abilities are outstanding and my work is excellent. What I need to do is to turn these into reality.
The novel made me a child who was no longer idealistic in my heart and grew up with me.
I once had hope, lost my worries, and embraced happiness.
But I have also felt despair, experienced helplessness, and endured pain.
In the long dark night, I worried about how I would live in the future without income. I didn’t dare to think about the days to come. My eyes were dark and I couldn’t see where the road under my feet was leading.
I'm depressed, I feel bad.
But I know this is because I failed to do a good job. If I want to change everything, I can only take action. If I want to achieve all this, I can only persist. I don’t want to give up before I do it, let alone quit before I succeed.
The second motto I wrote for myself is, "Work hard on the present, rather than relying on the future."
Although "Blood Curtain" did not satisfy me, I will face up to my mistakes and complete its fourth version when I have some success in the future and don't have to worry about money.
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And all of this is inseparable from the support of paying readers of Zongheng Chinese Network. I write novels just to be seen by more people. Because of the support of your paying readers, I can complete all this and continue to create.
For many readers, a novel is not something that cannot be lost, but as an author, I cannot leave the readers. Whether they are paying users of Zongheng Chinese website or readers who read pirated copies, without you, everything I have done will be lost.
will be meaningless.
Finally, I will create better works with the financial support of paying users and the encouragement of readers to repay your support. Thank you!
Above, Red Wind completed the content of this article on July 31, 2021, with a total of 6752 words, and published it on the Zongheng Chinese website on July 31, 2021.