Why am I afraid? I don’t know. I can build a copper wall and an iron building in my heart, but as soon as he appears, it will collapse in an instant, because the body’s reaction will always be one step ahead of the brain’s thinking. I can’t do that.
Controlling myself is the scariest thing.
The monotonous ringtone rang, and I saw him take out his cell phone, glance at me, then turn around and move a few meters away to answer the phone, "I'll be back in a moment. Is the child in trouble? Okay..."
When I heard the word "child", I was still shocked. I pressed the tissue tightly against my eyes. It's all over, isn't it? Ma Jiaolong, you knew he wouldn't remember it, what on earth were you expecting!
I finally feel the coldness that comes with the end of summer. Is there any tear duct removal surgery? I really want to have one. The feeling of rain in front of me is too vague. I haven’t seen it in two years. I really want to do it carefully.
Look at him, and I don’t want him to see me like this, worthless.
Taking a long, deep breath, this spontaneous spray pattern was finally under control. I held the tissue he handed me and looked at his figure holding the phone behind my back. He was still wearing a smart suit, shoulders and shoulders.
The back is straight and straight, tall and long.
I moved my steps slightly, and I controlled my urge to rush up and hug him. Looking at his face that has become more mature and handsome with the passage of time, the sixteen-year-old boy still pops up in my mind, which makes me feel astonished.
The calm and relaxed appearance of a person.
Maybe the distance between me and him is too far, and I always leave him again and again, but I can't help but get closer, so his changes are always vivid in my eyes. I clearly see his face that has been favored by the years.
How the childishness in his eyes gradually faded away from his face. Time did not slow down even half a minute, but the utility knife carved him carefully. Although the man in front of me at this moment, his facial features are still charming, but his temperament has become more calm, sharp and deep.
It makes people afraid to take even a step closer.
I was confused for a moment. Is he still the childish and childish person he used to be in front of me? No longer... No matter how good he is, I can't be greedy anymore.
The moment he put down his phone, I clearly saw the silver light shining on his ring finger. My eyes were instinctively drawn by the silver light, but before I could see clearly, I saw him put one hand into his trouser pocket and walked directly to me.
In front of him, he looked at my face and raised his eyebrows slightly: "Are your eyes okay?"
"oh."
I responded softly, but my eyes were still looking at his left hand in his trouser pocket, still wanting to see it, don't ask me why.
"Don't you want to tell me something?"
I shook my head and forced myself to look away: "I don't know what to say."
Zhuo Jingcheng nodded, but still put his hands casually in his pockets. It was obvious that he didn't know my intention: "In this way, I ask and you answer. I don't like sloppy conversation, do you understand."
I nodded with a half-downed face. He was probably the only one who could make me cooperate so ungratefully.
"Are you sure you don't know me?"
"Um."
"You haven't seen me before, have you?"
"Um……"
Zhuo Jing frowned slightly: "Why did you lie?"
"I don't."
I didn't dare to look into his eyes, but I could feel that he was looking at me very carefully: "First of all, I don't know what you are nervous about, but I can feel that you are afraid of me. Secondly, I don't
I understand why you lied to me. Apart from the fact that I met you in the hospital two years ago, I also know that you have another name, Ma Jiaolong. You are not only a well-known onmyoji, but also my aunt's niece.
We are relatives in a way, aren't we?"
My heart kept falling in my chest, and I twitched the corners of my mouth. No wonder he knew me. We do have a kind of kinship that cannot be separated.
However, Jiang Meiyuan should have told her family that my sister-in-law knows that Zhuo Jing and I cannot be together. Since he has forgotten, no one will take the initiative to mention that I am not happy. Moreover, he also knows that I am an Onmyoji...
Thinking about it, I raised my eyes and looked at him: "Have you investigated me?"
The key point behind this question is, why do you want to investigate me?!
"certainly."
Zhuo Jing Heiyao's eyes were full of directness, and he pointed to his head: "I have forgotten some things, and around these forgotten things, I feel that I have lost someone, and this person is the same person as me.
You have something to do with it."
I almost lost control again and looked at him blankly: "Is it related to me?"
Zhuo Jing actually took a deep breath, and pointed at his heart filled with depression, "What I'm telling you here is that it must have something to do with you. Maybe, like my family, you want to hide something from me.
, So, you are nervous, you are afraid that I will question you, I have seen your expression a lot in the past two years, but don’t worry, I will not ask further, because I know that if I ask again, all I will get is your perfunctory lies.
That’s all.”
I shook my head, I should be able to think of this, because Brother Ma just took away his memory of me, so he would be entangled. In other words, if it were anyone else, he would have the instinct to search for his own blank memory.
, it is very unpleasant for an adult to lose his memory. This is out of control. Why should we forget? What on earth should we forget?!
"Why are you so sure that I am related to the thing you forgot?"
Zhuo Jing looked at me with a slightly complicated look in his eyes: "I have selective amnesia. The medical explanation is that I suffered a severe head injury or strong stimulation and thus forgot some people and things that I didn't want to remember or escape from.
It can be seen that the people I cannot remember are the blanks in my memory. Since we are relatives, I should not have no impression of you at all. Besides, I have checked your information..."
I felt a little nervous, "Have you checked my information?"
He nodded, took out a business card and handed it to me: "Because of time, I need to go back now. I will wait for you in the office at ten o'clock tomorrow morning."
Seeing him turning around to leave, I sighed, "I have something to deal with tomorrow and I can't find you in the morning."
He opened the door of the Porsche and looked back at me: "Then I'll wait for you at two o'clock in the afternoon."
"Why……"
Looking at his car, I gritted my teeth and walked over, "Why did you come to this community..."
Zhuo Jing's eyes struggled for a moment, and then he frowned and looked at me: "Have you always lived here?"
"No, I just went on a long trip and came back to stay..."
"oh."
The loneliness in his eyes flashed across: "I don't know, instinct, I like to come here when I'm in a bad mood. The people I forgot used to live here, right."
"I……"
He raised his hand, as if he didn't want to hear me say anything more. At this moment, I clearly saw the ring he was wearing, and my heart twitched again. It turned out that... it was me and him matching rings?! How could it be possible? They were the same person.
Pay it.
"I know she's dead."
"ah?"
I looked at Zhuo Jing with a trembling voice: "Who died?"
Zhuo Jing's maturity lies in the fact that it's hard for me to guess his emotions. They only last for a moment. After that, he will suppress him again, full of deep thoughts: "She is dead, so I will forget her. Otherwise, how could I find her?"
No, my family, why don’t you dare to mention it.”
After saying that, he sat directly in the car, lowered the window and looked at me inquiringly: "I don't like to be entangled. The blank memory is my business. I will not believe the answer anyone gives me, but I
Nice to see you here, Maggiore."
Are you happy? Why do I feel so awkward saying these three words in a tone without emotion?
He stood there in a daze, watching his car drive further and further away. He felt empty and full of doubts in his heart. Smart people naturally only believe in the truth they are looking for. Zhuo Jing did the same. He said he was in a bad mood and was here.
Instinct says that I am related to his blank memory, but why are you so sure that the me who was originally in his blank memory... is dead?!!
I lowered my eyes and looked at my slippers, filtering every bit of what Zhuo Jing had just said over and over again in my mind. Why did he still want to see me? Did he want to find out something from me... If that's the case, wouldn't he?
It means, do I want to get in touch with him again?
Turning around, I took a long breath and walked into the corridor. My heart ached slightly, and I put my hand on it: "Ma Jiaolong, what's wrong with you? If you lose control like this, what should I do if we meet again..."
Stop, I want to listen to my own thoughts. Regarding matters concerning Taoism, I have figured it out and become enlightened, but emotionally, I really don’t know that I will still struggle and suffer like this if I don’t see each other. Master said to let me follow my heart.
, but what is my real heart like?
Turning back, I looked at the empty seat where Zhuo Jing's car had just parked, and silently uttered two words: "Occupy."
Suddenly I understood that the reason why I was hesitant and entangled when I saw Zhuo Jing again was because I wanted to possess a relationship. When I have the thought of possessing someone, it will become painful and twisted, just like I just did, I clearly
I know very clearly that Zhuo Jing has forgotten me, but deep down in my heart, there is still a trace of expectation, hoping that he has not forgotten me. This feeling is contradictory and cannot be explained.
To put it simply, Zhuo Jing lives in the present, but the moment I saw him, I was immersed in the past and couldn't extricate myself. That's why I cried like a fool. Am I expecting him to still love me?
, but this kind of expectation is twisted. It is impossible for me to let Zhuo Jing look back. Is it possible that I still throw this difficult choice to him?
I am intersex, and it is now known to the world...
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath again. Everything should move forward. I understood what I was going to do. I love him, very much, but love is not possession, it is the first two passwords that Cheng Baize told me at the beginning.
……accompany.
I should appear as his companion and supporter. I will silently support him and help him. If possible, I can be his friend. In this way, there will be no separation between us. I can also
I kept looking at him, no need to be nervous when facing him, no need to cover up anymore, my whole body felt relaxed, I really wanted to look up to the sky and scream, I finally figured it out!
The tip of my nose suddenly felt itchy. I opened my eyes and suddenly looked into the whites of the dead fish eyes that were only an inch or two away from me. I instinctively screamed, "Oh my god," and took two steps back: "You have to kiss me!!!"
Zong Bao stretched his neck and looked at me carefully, his expression still dull: "Am I not dreaming?"
As he said that, before I could respond, he came up and pinched my face: "Does it hurt? Does it hurt?!"
“Your uncle’s!!”
I pushed him away and kicked his butt, "Of course it hurts! Why don't you pinch yourself!!"
But Zong Bao looked at me blankly. As soon as he handed over the fruit bag he was carrying, oranges scattered on the floor. He grinned and cried like a three or four-year-old child: "No one has kicked me like this in two years."
…”
But I smiled, bent down to pick up the oranges and looked at him: "You hold it back! I'm back and you're still crying!"
Zong Bao sniffed and looked at my hand holding the fruit bag, and said in disbelief: "Is your hand okay?"
I looked at him with a smile on my face: "Okay."
I cried too much just now, feeling deep in my heart but lacking in fluids.
Zong Bao wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes vigorously and looked at my face carefully: "Where is Dao Xing?"
I tried hard to put behind my mind the thoughts of seeing Zhuo Jing just now, moved my right hand and laughed twice: "Of course, I'm back, and they will come back too... Come to Zongbao and give me a hug."
Zong Bao, however, stood still and looked at me as if in a daze for two or three seconds, then raised his feet and walked back directly!
"Why!!"
I was anxious, and I chased him a few steps and grabbed his arm: "What are you going to do! Are you unhappy that I'm back!?"
"I am not happy!"
Zong Bao threw away my arm and looked at me with aggrieved eyes: "You must have come back for my little master! Why can he get through as soon as he calls me? I can't get through no matter how hard I call!"
I smiled: "It's because of my little master's affairs, but that's not all. Now that I'm better, I'll naturally have to come back to deal with more important things, don't you think?"
"Then why didn't you tell me that there was no signal in the village and there was no signal when we came out!"
"You have wronged me. I called you as soon as I walked in and saw how clean the house was. But you didn't answer and the phone ran out of battery."
As I said that, I held his hand: "Okay, I've been riding in the car for two days and it's very dirty. I just want to see you again after taking a shower. Besides, I know you will definitely come in the evening. Please lock me up."
Are the windows right? Oh, they are all polished very well, thank you for your hard work."
"what is this."
I was holding Zong Bao’s hand with Zhuo Jing’s business card. Zong Bao took it over and looked at it, and couldn’t help but frown: “Have you seen Zhuo Jing?”
Lowering my eyes, I hummed: "He seems to come here often..."
Zong Bao seemed to know that Zhuo Jing would come over, and his tone was not surprising: "Then what were you talking about?"
I rubbed my forehead: "It's nothing to talk about. It's just that he thought I was dead. No, he didn't know that I was... Hey, I don't understand... Let's go upstairs first."
Zong Bao nodded, as if he understood my reaction very well: "Xiao Tian and I have a good relationship. We often have dinner together. I know a little about Zhuo Jing. He is indeed investigating you. Of course,
All the information that Zhuo Jing found out shows that your achievements as an Onmyoji and your identity as an Onmyoji are magnified. According to Xiao Tian, in Zhuo Jing's eyes, you should be a very famous person now...
Sexual Onmyoji.”
Intersex Onmyoji?
Zong Bao's ability to say the words "intersex person" was obviously not to stimulate me, but to gently remind me of the current definition in Zhuo Jing's mind. However, this also indirectly made me understand why Zhuo Jing could insist on him.
I feel that the important person in my memory is only related to me and not to me.
"I understand."
I nodded, "No wonder he said that his blank memory is related to me, because now he will definitely not believe that the person he once loved is an intersex person. This is a flaw."
This clarified what Zhuo Jing said to me and all my doubts. Zhuo Jing’s love for me was a struggle with himself and compromise. Although love has no impurities, it was a long process for him to accept my body.
The process was also the source of all the pain for me and him. Now that Zhuo Jing has forgotten it, he may feel that he has been emotionally hurt, but if I beat him to death, he would not have thought that the person he loved was an intersex person. (To be continued)