The mood of autumn is deepening day by day, and the good weather with cool breeze can always put people in a good mood. I thank God for blessing the world with the changing seasons. Being in it, you will benefit a lot.
Al kept pestering me with questions, but I managed to maintain the patience to respond one by one, which is really rare.
Al doesn't seem to like staying in the nursing home. Although it's understandable that he doesn't adapt to the atmosphere there, everyone in the nursing home obviously wants more young people to talk to them, not to mention that it's not easy for Al to be a child walking alone all day long.
Safety. He never takes my words to heart. If his mother can persuade him, he will probably listen.
The storybook his mother bought him as an enlightenment reading last month gave him the desire to become a hero, but it was mixed with the rebellious psychology of his age, which made him do many childish actions.
However, today, perhaps I am more and more able to understand his thoughts. Thinking from a rigorous perspective, it is a vision worthy of respect.
The desire to be a hero, the desire to be independent, the desire to grow up... All kinds of desires, big or small, all come from the hope for "change".
Change is an ability that a runner can move forward bravely. No matter what, a young runner can always determine the direction and then move forward. What a wonderful process this is.
Since I want to run, I have to accept the fast-paced changes without hesitation, which will inevitably make people feel numb unless there is a companion - it seems that the god of fate has really benefited me a lot.
The support of Alvin, Marcia and others, Rita's contract, and the many well-deserved and unconditional trusts made me make arrogant guesses: Do I have some kind of mission?
No, this is just my arrogant thought, but if there is any possibility, I think I will still try my best.
Because change is inevitable and is the sacred mission of every young soul.
I respect Al's wishes not because I have absolute confidence in his future, but because his wishes contain emotions that I can identify with without hesitation.
I love the town, but it has a flaw that I can't ignore - it never changes! What is change? It is necessary to integrate with everything in reality. Things are destined to keep moving forward, but it is like
A stubborn old passenger, who has been slow to board the carriage of time, has become an alien.
I know that its long-term lack of contact with the outside world has caused its aging. Its ability to understand and act has long been exhausted, and it is difficult to keep up with the pace of the empire.
However, stagnation will definitely not work. There is someone we can rely on - young people who are eager for change.
We have the power to promote it, at least I believe.
Al is currently just working on it unconsciously, but what will happen when he has a more mature understanding? It is undoubtedly a change worth looking forward to.
At the same time, this is also a process of self-breakthrough, and I regret that I can’t be of much help.
【A certain day of a certain month】
Today I visited Grandma Beth as planned, thanks to Rita’s reminder.
Grandma Beth's situation is very pessimistic and heart-wrenching.
Since her legs were paralyzed due to a fall last year, every time I see Grandma Beth, I feel that she is much older than the last time.
The following is my experience:
The atmosphere of the nursing home is as peaceful as ever, with gentle sunlight slanting into the corridor. In the corridor, you can vaguely smell the fragrance of a few potted plants at the guardrail. Two or three elderly people are sitting in wheelchairs, motionlessly accompanying the people lying beside the guardrail.
Cat.
I quietly passed by these static lives, turned the corner, and left the warm sun behind.
I gently pushed open the ajar door in front of me. The light inside was extremely dim. On the large bed, a small head looked at me from outside the thick quilt.
I came to the bedside and whispered to Grandma Beth:
"Grandma Beth, it's me, Crane."
Grandma Beth's eyes opened wider, and I knew she recognized me. I asked her again if she wanted to open the curtains, and she said no.
Grandma Beth’s room was specially arranged by her mother to have the best lighting.
I helped Grandma Beth sit up from the bed, found a chair myself, and sat next to her. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it back and forth, as if to confirm something, and from time to time she rubbed my hair or touched it.
Touch my face and I accept this silent love.
When faced with my words, Grandma Beth always had to think for a long time before answering. Her usually gentle and long voice became sharp and hoarse due to stroke.
"Xiao He...has grown up...I...won't live long..."
Words like this have come out of Grandma Beth's mouth many times. The incompetence brought by aging has made her more and more pessimistic.
"Don't think so."
Except for "Don't think so", all the rest of my words were stuck in my throat, and I didn't know how to put it into words.
I blame myself so much, after all, the other party is Grandma Beth.
In the past, when I was living in a small town, my mother was very busy. Before I was fourteen, I was taken care of by Grandma Beth and her husband. At that time, they lived in a small courtyard next to the town square.
All my memories of childhood.
After a while, Grandma Beth’s husband, Grandpa Rube, came in.
"Oh, Xiaohe, come to see us again."
Grandpa Lu Bu was a soldier when he was young, and I respect him very much.
The three of us were chatting in the dark room, and the leader of the conversation turned to the talkative Grandpa Rube, which made the atmosphere a lot more relaxed.
Now that I think about it, the reason why I like to visit them is probably just to enjoy this family relationship.
As for what we talked about specifically, I only remember Grandpa Rube asking me about the Guards. I don’t know where he heard the news about me, and he was quite happy about it. He talked about his experiences in his youth.
The memories of my childhood are slowly brought out in no particular order, with clear and humorous sentences.
Seeing that Grandpa Rube is still healthy and optimistic, I feel lucky that he can accompany Grandma Beth.
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After listening to Grandpa Rube talking non-stop for more than 20 minutes, I noticed that Grandma Beth, who was lying quietly beside me, was looking at me with her eyes wide open. For some reason, as soon as I met her eyes, it was difficult to look away.
Looking at my eyes, Grandma Beth didn’t say a word, she just touched my hand gently. I responded to Grandpa Rube with “um” and “ah” while silently looking at her.
What kind of gaze is that? I had never observed it well before, so I was greatly shocked when I discovered it - puzzlement, confusion, joy, stubbornness and fleeting epiphany...
Emotions like this flash in those aging eyes.
The Grandma Beth I was familiar with became extremely strange in this moment.
I touched her ears, which I often did before going to bed when I was a child.
She stared at me, as if she wanted to put all the details on my face into her brain one by one. Her mouth was half open, her thin lips trembled slightly, and then one corner of her mouth was raised, and many wrinkles gathered in it.
Together - this is her smile.
I read something so moving that the first thing I did after returning home was to observe myself in front of the mirror.
The two old men never hesitated to praise me, as if they regarded me as a medal for them.
When I left, Grandma Beth shed tears, and my implicit guilt towards the two old people further deepened, because when I was a child, I never made them sad, but when I grew up...why? p>
When I walked out the door, the cold wind in front of me truly announced that winter was coming. I quickly closed the door. Only then did I understand the reason why Grandma Beth did not want to open the curtains.
The strange premonition lingers like a haze, and I can only pray that they can be safe for a long time.
【A certain day of a certain month】
Grandma Beth's funeral was at the end of November, four days ago.
I have always regarded the diary as a tool for recording unforgettable things, so I have been reluctant to write this time, let alone recall any details of the funeral.
However, there is still a need to record, and if possible, I hope to preserve an image of Grandma Beth that is as complete as possible.
The funeral was held in a cemetery far away from the nursing home. Most of the attendees were elderly people. With their gray hair, they stood in a line solemnly. My mother and I watched the coffin being buried with them. During this period, there was no exchange of words. We only heard the North
The sound of wind blowing into every corner.
Considering the old people's poor health, the funeral ended quickly, and I didn't dare to approach the coffin from beginning to end - I felt that I was not ready to say goodbye, so I resisted reality.
But Grandma Beth has indeed left. The kind soul that has been with me for more than ten years suddenly became out of reach, and suddenly she was no longer accessible, leaving only a small tombstone.
Something important was being lost rapidly, and at the same time something was pouring into my body uncontrollably, and I couldn't do anything about it. This made me realize: I am still a weak guy. Regarding the established facts
, holding empty but beautiful illusions, fragile and naive.
As if eager to confirm something, I ran to see Grandpa Rube. Grandpa Rube didn't go to the funeral. When I saw him, he was staying in the room, staring blankly at where Grandma Beth had been lying.
bed.
Grandpa Lu Bu has obviously lost a lot of weight. I have never felt that he is really old as I did at that time. He bent his waist, looked at me tremblingly, and opened and closed his mouth.
I don’t remember what I talked about with Grandpa Rube. Maybe it was just some incoherent words, but I clearly observed the negativity in his behavior, which is incredible to me. It seems that he has been there since Grandma Beth left.
He took over the baton of aging.
Yesterday, I visited the old people who had been to the funeral. The most common thing they said was pessimistic remarks about death. Just like I was not ready to accept the death of Grandma Beth, they were not ready to face death. All manifestations
They are no different from Grandpa Rube.
Therefore, we cannot waste time on futile sadness. If this eternal cycle cannot be broken as soon as possible, Grandpa Rube will become a stranger. This is not the change I admire at all, but a dedication to maintaining eternity.
A meaningless sacrifice.
How to break it? They will undoubtedly only regard my persuasion as comfort for the younger generation. Only people of their own age and sobriety can make them take it seriously.
Then, I thought of that gentleman.
The oldest and eternal representative whose name often appears in people's communication.
What would his opinion be?
There is no doubt that it is necessary to ask him.