My name is Zhou Xiaoshe. When I was very young, I was sent to Maoshan by my dead dad who worked at the crematorium, and then became a disciple of a fat man who claimed to be the most handsome man in Maoshan.
This damn fat man is naturally my master, Taoist Master Xia Liu. People on Maoshan Mountain call him Fatty Xia, but I often call him "Dirty Brother" when we are drunk.
Frankly speaking, ‘Dirty Brother’ was very attentive to my teachings.
When I was three years old, "Dirty Brother" taught me how to drink. I drank three cans of Tsingtao beer without changing my color...
When I was five years old, I could move a small stool to the Feng Bathhouse in Maoshan (actually a women's bathhouse), and while licking an Alpine lollipop, I watched with relish the Taoist sisters getting dressed in front of me.
…
When I was ten years old, I sneaked into a small dark room where the portraits of Maoshan bosses from all over the world were hung, and then I became very interested in painting. I added a beard to every portrait of Maoshan bosses, which eventually made me a "dirty brother"
Because of his poor teaching, he was punished by the elders and had to wash the toilet for a month...
When I was fifteen years old, I had become the super bully of Maoshan. I learned to sing with anxiety when others were reciting scriptures. When others were resting and meditating, I was already the jungle king of the League of Legends...
But happy days are always short-lived. On the day when I finally turned eighteen, four elders and 360 brothers on the mountain unanimously decided that it was time for me, Zhou Xiaoshe, to go down the mountain.
On the day I was about to go down the mountain, my eyes were red and my heart was full of reluctance.
This is Maoshan, where I have been raised for many years. I am full of affection for this place. Look at Sister Xiaoli and Sister Xiaohong over there. They are good sisters who have been watching me take baths since I was a child. I have witnessed them.
The process of growing from small grains of rice to small steamed buns, and now that I have to leave, I feel quite reluctant to part with it.
"Xiao She, you are already eighteen, it's time to go down the mountain and hone your skills." Sister Xiao Hong, who is in her early twenties and has delicate features, encouraged me.
"Yes, Xiaoshe is so smart, your world is at the foot of the mountain..." Sister Xiaoli also comforted me.
I nodded and said gratefully: "Sister Xiaoli and Sister Xiaohong, don't worry, I will come back."
Sister Xiaohong and Sister Xiaoli's expressions immediately changed, and they quickly said that it would be fine if I stayed at the foot of the mountain for a longer time, and there was no need to rush back.
"Go, go down the mountain and train hard, don't lose my reputation as a disciple of Maoshan." The white-haired elder Yunyue on the side also said to me seriously.
"I understand, then I'm leaving..."
Under the tug of "Nasty Brother", I turned back three times and reluctantly left at the foot of Maoshan Mountain.
"Goodbye, my relatives in Maoshan... By the way, Elder Yunyue, you don't have to give me anything. I already took it from your room last night. And Sister Xiaofen, who is still angry, don't be angry.
, the bra you stole from me last time was in my master's room, he ordered me to do it... Dear relatives, don't worry, I, Zhou Xiaoshe, will come back..."
In this way, I was almost dragged down from Maoshan Mountain by "Dirty Brother". But after I got off Maoshan Mountain, I heard a burst of loud firecrackers coming from the mountain. It was so densely packed that it was very festive, and it felt like it was a Chinese New Year.
I scratched my head, turned my head and looked at 'Dirty Brother' and said, "Master, shouldn't they be sad when we go down the mountain? Why are they setting off firecrackers to celebrate?"
The 'dirty brother' rolled his eyes at me and said angrily: "You kid, stop pretending, you are full of bad ideas. Even if you leave, you actually sold your master. I asked you to steal Xiaofen's bra."
Yes, but did I tell you to steal all her underwear?"
I suddenly felt embarrassed and said, "No, I think you like this old man, and I want to steal more to show my filial piety to you. Who would have thought that Sister Xiaofen has so little underwear that she can't help stealing..."
'Dirty brother' looked a little better after I said that.
I looked at the empty foot of the mountain and listened to the festive firecrackers on the mountain. I couldn't help but ask, "Master, where are we going now?"
"You can go anywhere, just find a place to fill your stomach first!"
Under the leadership of "Dirty Brother", we left Maoshan in a mighty manner, and then headed for a nearby restaurant with the best decoration and the youngest and plumpest lady boss.
As soon as he sat down on it, the 'dirty brother' called the boss's wife, pinched her butt hard, and said: "Give me all the meat and vegetables. Remember, only meat, no ingredients!"
"Okay, wait a minute, I'll have the kitchen do it right away." The landlady deliberately rubbed her butt against the 'dirty brother''s waist, causing the 'dirty brother''s ears to fall off.
The food was quickly prepared. According to the instructions of "Dirty Brother", all twelve meat dishes on the restaurant's menu were served, and even the drink was mutton soup.
Without any hesitation or restraint, 'Dirty Brother' and I fully displayed our innate talents in eating at the table.
After a stormy meal, 'Dirty Brother' and I had a full meal, crossed our legs and picked our teeth. The coquettish landlady at the side saw this and came over with a smile.
"Two Taoists, do you like the food?" asked the landlady.
I glanced at the table with only a pile of bones left, and said: "It's barely enough, it's okay..."
"Haha, my little brother seems to be quite picky about food. So Taoist, you see you have eaten well, why don't you pay for it?"
When 'Dirty Brother' heard this, his face suddenly became unhappy.
"It's just a meal, do you need to rush me like this? I'm here to consume, not to see how you look!!"
"Yes, yes, Master Dao is right, but we are also a small business. You see..."
‘Dirty Brother’ rolled his eyes, and then took out a card from his wallet: “How much is it, swipe the card!”
The landlady smiled apologetically and said, "Sorry, we haven't opened credit cards here yet. How about you use cash?"
"There's no cash. If you're worth millions and you're running around with a few hundred yuan, that's not a joke. What kind of store can't even swipe a card? Wait, I'll go outside and get some cash..."
The 'dirty brother' looked extraordinarily wealthy. He patted his butt and lazily walked out, while I still crossed my legs and admired the boss's butt that was facing me.
Soon, five minutes passed, and the 'dirty brother' who went out to get cash still hadn't come back.
Then, half an hour passed, and I still didn't see the shadow of 'Dirty Brother'.
After almost an hour passed, I suddenly panicked... You know, there seemed to be a rural credit cooperative not far from the entrance of the restaurant, and getting money was only a matter of minutes.
At this time, the proprietress stared at me, turned around and walked out of the restaurant, and then walked towards the rural credit cooperative.
A few minutes later, I saw the proprietress who had been smiling a moment ago walking back angrily. That look in her eyes was enough to kill someone!
"You bastard, you actually ran away. Come here, Xiaowu and Xiaoliu, and tie up this brat who is eating the King's meal!"
The toothpick in my hand fell to the ground. After being stunned for a moment, I couldn't help but curse my mother: Paralysis, I was betrayed by that fat man again!
PS: I took the time to write a meme. It was originally intended to be a new book, but when I posted it in the book club, people seemed to think it was not very good, so I posted it here so that more book friends can read it. How does this start?
Do you still like this style? You are welcome to leave your opinions in the comment area, or you can come to the corpse-burner’s book friend group number 345817455 to chat with me!