That's what I said, but I don't know who to say this real apology to.
Which self is the real self?
It's obvious that none of them are liked.
Everyone is weak and humble.
Everyone obviously likes Sumu.
No matter who you are, it's always like that. It's just that you are always turbulent because you don't get it.
No. 1 escaped because he was overwhelmed and had no control over his body, so No. 2 was naturally born.
Ke Xiaju was suspicious.
There is no such thing as a No. 2 being born.
The diagnosis given by the doctor is just because his subconscious disguise is too perfect.
Assuming that everything is really as I thought, then I would not recall that kind of thing.
Nor would I think carefully about such a thing and come to the conclusion, "Ah, I think I would actually do that."
That was not the thought that the gentle me who was born later should have.
In other words, I have become a personality that leans towards extreme directions.
Xia Ju has been thinking.
"you···"
"If you are here, why don't you come out and say something?"
"Hello···"
"I don't hate hearing you scold me now..."
“···”
There was no usual noisy noise.
In this place where I expected love to start normally, now I am the only one squatting beside the bed, like a doll that has lost its soul.
Random thoughts in my mind.
Su Mu and Mu Sheng held hands.
They held hands.
Discussing matters between the two of them.
Eating together.
Holding hands.
So he stayed away from here and left as a winner.
My thoughts wandered further back.
The paper was destroyed because he was too focused on Su Mu talking to other girls and bumped into it, getting wet and damaged. Of course, Su Mu thought it was his fault until now.
Looking back now, I'm afraid that the way I looked at him was not only filled with feigned resentment, but also filled with joy. But the joy was subconsciously, because the girl who was talking to Su Mu quickly put aside her responsibility and walked away because of the accident.
Only he and Su Mu were left alone.
And of course, I would not let myself share that secret joy as I concealed the other half whose memories were hidden deep inside.
That is a kind of selfish, pitiful, useless and unreasonable joy.
"Well."
Xia Ju buried her head deep into her knees.
Perhaps 'she' knew that there was no point in hiding the fact, so she chose to reveal the truth.
I felt something was wrong early on.
The first time I met Su Mu, the first time he heard my name, that unusual expression.
"Have you ever known a Xia Ju? This way of striking up a conversation is too old-fashioned. Don't you think it's disgusting? Really, stay away from me. You are not my type."
With disgusted eyes, actions and tone, he hugged the book and left.
Now it seems that I can completely understand why I had that reaction.
If you think about it carefully, you can understand that if you really dislike it and feel disgusted, then I am afraid that whether it is one or two, you will be dismissive and will not even look at it, let alone say it outright?
I remembered.
once.
When Su Mu was in junior high school, he gradually forgot about himself and was feeling complacent when he received love letters from other girls.
While waiting in the classroom with great anticipation.
"Who allowed you to write a love letter to Su Mu?"
Xia Ju thought of herself looking down at that girl from a high position.
The poor girl squatted on the ground and cried, saying she didn't mean it.
And like a demon, he held a knife and forced her to write a instructions, explaining that the love letter was just a joke and just a whim.
Xia Ju could remember her mood at that time.
How could she deserve to be involved in Su Mu's life, when she was obviously just a poor student with average grades? A girl who couldn't even decide her own future.
Just based on the fact that Sumu looks good, we hastily agreed on what to do.
That's ridiculous.
Do you think that is a blasphemy to Sumu? It also despises yourself.
Too extreme, too smart? Ask her to write a perfect instruction manual, one that will make Su Mu hate girls from now on.
So time was wasted.
So he was discovered by Sumu.
"I used to think you were pitiful when you were alone? So I wanted to be friends with you."
"But now it seems you're alone for a reason."
"Feel?"
"I'm sorry, I don't have the feeling for you that you imagined, and I'm not the person you said I can understand each other with."
"The thing I regret most is sympathizing with you."
so.
They all deserve it.
Including now.
Even if you are reborn, you cannot change the sins you committed in the past.
Isn't it?
Even now, I still feel happy that I stopped that girl from falling in love with Su Mu. Even though I know it is wrong.
She didn't feel guilty at all because of the situation that caused Su Mu to never be liked by a girl again until college, and was always shrouded in rumors.
I feel that I have fulfilled my so-called love.
That's not right...
wrong.
Xia Ju stood up, walked beside the coffee table, and sat down.
Take out the notebook from the drawer.
Drafted a title.
"Suicide note."
I···
But when it comes to the next line? Xia Ju paused at the beginning of the text.
So.
If I have thoughts of death, who should I leave a suicide note for?
Leave it to your parents?
But as far as the parents are concerned, there is nothing else to say except that they feel guilty.
Leave it to Sumu?
Say goodbye.
Isn’t it enough that the harm done in the past is not enough? Do you want to continue when you want to die?
Xia Ju tore up the paper and threw it into the trash can.
Then I put on a sweatshirt, put on my shoes and went out.
It's strange.
At this time, Xia Ju suddenly remembered clearly that when she was in elementary school, she was sitting under the shade of a tree at the edge of the playground as always, reading a book, and what Su Mu said while sitting aside.
"I always do the wrong things."
"I get scolded all the time. People like you rarely get scolded for doing wrong things, right?"
"My parents always tell me that I should think calmly before doing something. But every time I think about it, I still do it wrong. I really don't understand. I always get scolded, and recently they started beating me."
It was then that I got to know this weird boy who didn't isolate himself like others, and I thought his words were stupid.
You could say proud.
Xia Ju has never done anything wrong since she was a child. Of course, this perspective is from her parents, and it is other than hurting the girl who was unfavorable to Su Mu and later sent a love letter to Su Mu.
In terms of subjective learning, he has always been praised as outstanding.
Even after listening to some adults' business discussions, I can come up with some ideas that surprise them.
Since I was a child, I have been said to be a little adult who has more opinions than adults.
"Xiao Ju said so, so it must be right."
I always hear people complimenting me like this.
Over time, perhaps I have never acknowledged such rhetoric openly, but subconsciously I have accepted the concept that ‘my opinion must be right’.
Otherwise, how could you still think you are right after doing something like that?
But now Xia Ju doesn't think what she is doing is right.
After thinking of this long-standing one-sided conversation, Xia Ju felt that maybe she should go out and see the world, them, and him again with her true self.