"Senior, have you forgotten something? In the past, you didn't seem to want to go back to your uncle's house. Can you tell me why?"
Huang Xiaobei shrugged towards Karl.
"This is what you asked me yesterday."
Karl didn't react and stood quietly.
With the cool breeze blowing from high altitude, Huang Xiaobei exhaled heavily.
"I can tell you the answer right now. In the past, I would never choose to go back to my uncle's house."
Karl cast his gaze on Huang Xiaobei, but quickly took it back and remained silent in thought.
Huang Xiaobei spread his hands, "Yes, why don't you go back? He is so good to you, why don't you go back?"
"For a person like me, shouldn't I be satisfied if someone treats me well? When I see someone who treats me well, I should rush up and hug his thigh, no matter how they hit me.
Even if they scold me, I will shamelessly stay with them. Because I am Huang Xiaobei, Huang Xiaobei should be so shameless, right?"
"Senior..." Carl opened his mouth to say something, but Huang Xiaobei, who was obviously different from before, ignored him and continued to look into the distance, his eyes mocking himself as he spoke.
"Yeah, how can you understand? It's impossible for you to understand. How can a young man like you understand the thoughts of people like us who have nothing? In your world, everyone is kind to you, so
You are also good to them, and you will never be like me, who looks like nothing on the surface, but in your heart you are always used to try to guess other people's good intentions with the greatest malice."
Huang Xiaobei raised his head towards Karl, "Hey, do you think I have a mental problem or some kind of persecution delusion?"
Carl said nothing.
Leaning his arms on the railing of the rooftop, facing the evening breeze, Huang Xiaobei looked down at his hands, his eyes downcast.
Yes, why am I so ignorant? Why do I always have so many dark thoughts in my heart? Why do I always try to figure out the darkest side of others?
Why? Why is this?
Suddenly raising his eyes, Huang Xiaobei squinted his eyes and looked at the brightly lit city in the distance, with a cruel and foolish smile on his lips.
Maybe it’s because the world is so disgusting?
At this time, Karl turned slightly and looked at him seriously.
"Maybe after you finish speaking, I can understand."
Seeing the gentle smile on Karl's lips after he finished speaking, Huang Xiaobei was slightly startled.
Subconsciously lowering his head to avoid the gentle smile, Huang Xiaobei fiddled with his fingers and murmured softly.
"Actually, I don't want to do that anymore..."
————————————
"What kind of person do you think I am? In other words, what kind of person would I be in your imagination?" Huang Xiaobei asked dully, leaning against the railing. After five minutes of silence,
He still chose to take the person in front of him, whom he had always been wary of, as the person to whom he could confide his heart.
Karl thought for a while and said, "You are a very good person. Although you have always acted very...but I know you are still kind deep in your heart. As for the past...maybe
It’s not much different.”
Huang Xiaobei smiled, "You just said the opposite."
The night is silent, the cool breeze blows, and the sound echoing in the air, accompanied by the quiet wind whisper, floats into the distance.
"You know, I used to be a relatively withdrawn, dark person..."
Looking down at the endless flow of streets below, Huang Xiaobei said solemnly, "I don't trust anyone too much. If I have known someone for a long time, I will unconsciously wait for him to say something in my heart. Say something that will make me
The more you hear these uncomfortable words, the more time passes, the less willing you get to get too close to others..."
"You can also read minds?" Karl pointedly pointed out the key to Huang Xiaobei's words.
Huang Xiaobei ignored him and continued talking alone.
"Well, that's why I initially suspected that uncle had some other purpose. Because I don't trust him. I always feel that he will suddenly show his ugly face to me one day, but it seems that I don't want to see that either.
He has such a bad face, so I would rather stay away from him, stay away from everyone..."
Drinking the coffee in his hand, Karl said nothing.
"I know, you definitely don't understand it yet, but don't worry, listen to me, and I will slowly tell you what I was like in the past. After listening, you will probably understand."
Karl truly became a silent listener, listening to Huang Xiaobei talk about his past.
Listening to what he said about himself and the Huang Xiaobei from the past, Karl seemed to see a pitifully smiling person appearing in front of him.
————————
"Sometimes I lie in bed unable to sleep. I have nothing to do, so I look back at my past twenty-two years of life. Haha, it seems that tragedy accounts for more than half of it."
"I've never seen my mother since I was born. I've never even smelled maternal love, something that everyone has." Huang Xiaobei shrugged, "It doesn't matter, as long as you have a dad, that one with geeky eyes
Although he seems inconspicuous, he is very kind to me, so much so that I often suspect that he owes me something and wants to make up for it."
"Well, I understand him."
Slowly sitting on the ground, Huang Xiaobei leaned his back on the railing, and with the help of the alcohol, he was ready to tell all about his past.
Karl lit a cigarette for him, and Huang Xiaobei smoked, looking up at the starry sky, and continued: "It won't take a few years, my eyes will be gone, and my uncle will suddenly appear again, and he will be very nice to me."
Well, I seem to want to make up for something."
Huang Xiaobei shook his head and smiled bitterly, "Wait a minute, is my life going to be so tragic, where one person is always gone and another person is trying his best to make up for it?"
"There are some things that cannot be replaced."
Huang Xiaobei lowered his head.
"Haha, actually, there is nothing that can't replace it. For people like me, life is ordinary and death is ordinary. If someone treats me well, I should be content."
Sitting on the ground, raising his head slightly and looking at the full moon in the night sky, the corners of Huang Xiaobei's mouth slightly raised.
If you had to describe me in five words, what would they be?
Maybe he just loves to daydream, maybe he is just a bastard who loves to daydream...
Well, I know, I have always known that even if I really want to be Karl's younger brother, I will not be the head of the Chinese branch, but just let me think about it, can't I do it? Can't I find some fun in life for myself?
?
Talking to myself, enjoying myself... I can't help it, who makes me only daydream.
————————
"Maybe it's because I've been lacking something since I was a child, so I've always wanted to get more in other places, such as having more friends, more powerful abilities, etc. But as I said
Like that, I am just a person who has nothing and is always trying to do something beyond my ability.”
Huang Xiaobei sat on the ground, hugging his legs, half-squinting his eyes, staring at the cement floor under his feet.
"I'm not very good at studying, and I don't have any special skills. Apart from bragging, I just daydream. Unlike some people who are poor at studying but are good at other things."
“Some people can run fast enough to participate in sports meets, some people study rubbish but can play a good guitar, some people can tell jokes and make people happy, not to mention those who are naturally good at learning and running fast.
, a person who can tell jokes again.”
Huang Xiaobei lowered his head.
"I'm not good at anything. I'm not good at studying. I'm not that fast in running. I'm just average. I'm a lot of people in the class. Even when I tell jokes, I can only tell what others have said. Even so, it's very embarrassing.
....”
Having said this, Huang Xiaobei turned to look at Karl and smiled softly.
"I'm not afraid of your jokes. When I saw other people playing guitar so beautifully, I actually went to learn guitar for a year...but at the class party, the sound I made was almost like playing cotton."
Huang Xiaobei smiled lightly.
"But the teacher and classmates laughed very happily. They looked at my embarrassing look and laughed very happily."
Huang Xiaobei nodded slightly.
"I know, that's actually a joke."
"Because I was laughing with them at that time, laughing awkwardly."
Huang Xiaobei faced Karl and showed him that smile from back then.
"Isn't it silly? Isn't it funny? Hey, why don't you laugh?"
The smile on Huang Xiaobei's face that night was something Carl would never forget throughout his life.
Inside the laughing body is a poor soul.
——————————
This is how people are, the more they want something, the less they get...
After drinking all the coffee in his hand, Huang Xiaobei threw the empty can downstairs, licked the corner of his mouth and said.
"Actually, according to this development, I was quite suitable to be a bad student when I was in school. I smoked and drank, collected protection money, skipped classes and started fights online. However... I didn't have the guts."
"We have always been at the top of the class in the class. One second I was having fun with others, and the next second a top student wanted to play with us, but there were not enough people."
Huang Xiaobei raised his eyebrows with a wry smile, "At times like this, I am very humble and fearless, and I will always take the initiative to withdraw, saying, "Good students, you come here, and I will learn from you."
"Haha, the self-aware look makes me a little sad."
"But so what? He smiled in response to this, and continued to cuddle up to him shamelessly, saying insincerely, "He is indeed a top student, and he plays well!"
Huang Xiaobei sighed, "I can't help it, people always like to join in the fun, but this fun... just joining in is boring."
"If I keep working together, I will become a human being."
Huang Xiaobei lowered his head.
"I used to be a joke."
Rubbing his face vigorously, Huang Xiaobei's voice became a little unnatural.
"Remember it was the day my dad passed away, right? Yes, that's right, it was the day the blind boy passed away. I deleted the contact information of all my classmates and friends. The only thing I thought about at the time was, don't treat it as a joke again.
Show it to others, and if this continues, the memory you leave to them will be just a simple joke, and you will become a joke yourself."
Karl looked at Huang Xiaobei thoughtfully, and at the same time handed him a cigarette.
Huang Xiaobei understood Karl's eyes, took a puff of the cigarette, and said in a deep voice, "What you want to say is probably sympathy? Well, I understand what you mean."
Staring at the slowly burning cigarette in his hand, Huang Xiaobei's eyes were blurry and his mouth was slightly grinning, "But if you tell a joke, if everyone thinks he is a joke, what kind of sympathy will you get? Will everyone get it?
Do you think this is what a joke should be about?"
"Just like everyone knows, it's normal for a good student to get 100% in the test. It's normal for you, Karl, to be the leader of the secret party in the future. It's normal for my dead dad!"
Karl finally couldn't help but said, "Senior, you seemed to be too extreme before. Of course, I am not you. I have not experienced what you have experienced. I have no right to say anything."
"But I still feel that you shouldn't think this way, and you shouldn't look at your life with such extreme thinking."
Huang Xiaobei ignored Karl, and another scene slowly reflected in his low eyes.
————————
A person came home from school, there was no food, no food, and the house was empty.
He put down his schoolbag alone, walked to the corner and squatted down silently holding his knees.
There was no sound, and as long as he didn't speak, there would be no sound in the house.
There were a lot of noises coming from outside the window, but an invisible window blocked those sounds, permanently isolating this small nest of only a few dozen square meters from the outside world.
So quiet.
When the man squatted in the corner, these three words were the only words that came to his mind.
At that time, he liked to squat alone in the corner with his knees in his arms, and he liked to stay alone in a place where the moonlight could not reach, in a corner that only belonged to him.
So good, so good, there is nothing but himself.
This is the life that belongs to me, and this is the life that belongs to him.
Is it hard to be alone? No.
As far as jokes are concerned, this is what God has really prepared for him.
And I also really like this feeling of being alone. Except for the occasional feeling of being blocked and occasionally involuntarily turning my gaze to the closed door, everything is fine.
Some people say that loneliness can make people breathless and give them a feeling of suffocation. It is true, but it passes quickly. The painful and suffocating feeling only takes a week to get used to it.
Really, really, because that's how I got through it.
Very good, really very good.
Huang Xiaobei smiled slightly.
Indeed, the word "lonely" is a bit confusing, but I really like this feeling...
Yes, how nice it is that you don’t have to see the true appearance of those people, and you don’t have to listen to the real thoughts in their hearts that can no longer be real. If you don’t want to be hurt by others, naturally you have to stay away from them.
Haha, I used to think that people in this world were very nice. I thought that Uncle Zhao, who always had a gentle voice, was a truly good person. As long as I asked him, he would definitely help me, and maybe he would be very helpful.
He gently held me in his arms and said, "Don't be afraid, kid."
I thought that the very beautiful health committee member in the class who rarely talked was the gentlest girl in the world. When she heard about earthquakes or people dying, she would have red eyes and sob softly, but it turns out...
...
I thought that my best friend, the guy who didn't do as well as me in studies, who occasionally liked to tease me, and who was only nice to me when he had no money, just looked bad on the surface. After all, he and I were in the same junior high school.
As long as a high school student sees me encountering difficulties, he might show his truly kind side.
But it turns out that everyone is not as good as they seem on the surface, and it turns out that everyone is so terrible secretly.
Haha, compared with those things, it doesn’t matter if I’m a little lonely, because it’s scary, because they are really scary, so I can’t help but think about others so much, right? So I can’t help but feel like that to anyone.
Indifferent, right? I can’t help it...
Ah, this guy started to say something in my ear again, whether I was too extreme and I shouldn't think that way.
Huang Xiaobei shook his head helplessly.
He is really annoying, just like that bastard who always wants to have something even though he clearly shouldn't have anything.
"Senior, I think you shouldn't be so extreme and withdrawn, because this is not the way we should look at life, this world..."
The way you should look at life?
What is your life? What is my life?
It seems like we'll never have anything in common because you're like that bastard.
"Senior? Senior?"
Facing Karl's call, Huang Xiaobei said nothing and subconsciously hugged his knees.
Those eyes as deep as the sea slowly reflected everything in the past.