Although it was not my intention, the initial target I chose - ants - prompted my adoptive father to maintain his fantasy for a long time.
"I think your judgment is a bit arbitrary," he said to his adoptive mother after observing me carefully for a few days: "Children's brains and moral sense are not fully developed, and they often show cruelty to small creatures such as insects.
Even sticking to the ant itself may be a manifestation of Daoyi's desire to explore... I was a little impulsive that day and failed to control my emotions. I should have asked him why he did what he did."
Did I say it? My adoptive father was not a bad person.
He is just an ordinary person.
Just like a person who has just bought an ideal mansion, if you tell him that the water pipes are old and need to be replaced, it is not a big problem; but if you tell him that the foundation of the house is soaked in toxic wastewater, his first reaction is still impossible -
—Maybe the water pipes will be replaced.
Although I was young and ignorant about many things, I still felt a crisis. I didn’t want to go back to the orphanage, so I apologized to my adoptive father and admitted my mistake. Unfortunately, I couldn’t cry, otherwise
It will be more convincing.
In a child's mind, the world unfolding inch by inch is full of novel and unfamiliar details, making every day seem very long. As for a year, it feels more like a lifetime. So I am not sure how long it has been since the ant incident.
; I only remember that it was a very long and uncomfortable period of time, as if I was itching somewhere on my body but couldn't reach out to scratch it.
I don’t know now how I endured it at that time. As long as I opened my mouth, I had countless opportunities: whether it was my classmates, teachers, or strangers who saw me walking on the street, they all seemed willing to satisfy me.
Many requirements - I understood at that time which qualities can best shine in people's eyes like light.
Even my adoptive father, after a few weeks, couldn't help but praise me: "You have a very good taste in clothes. Did anyone teach you?"
Once I climbed up the fence and was about to go to my neighbor's yard to retrieve my ball. I found a mini cabin hanging on the fence on their side. I don't know who it was - maybe the neighbor himself -
He told me that it was a bird feeding device; I observed it for a few days and saw several different birds pecking at it.
"Where are they going?"
A few days later, when I was going out to school, I saw my neighbor's car and the large and small bags of luggage, and I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Going for a trip," my adoptive mother adjusted my backpack straps, "Have you ever heard of the Bahamas?"
Even she didn't know that my next question actually had nothing to do with my neighbors or the Bahamas.
Don't worry, I'm not going to describe to you the horror of a bird being mutilated. I don't inflict physical torture unless it's to form a larger picture; it always feels too satisfying to me to derive pleasure on such a simple and basic level.
Primitive, too low-level.
What's more, those birds were not dead. They just hit the glass, fell to the ground, and struggled for a while before flying away.
I have been planning this for a long time. You only need to think about where a six-year-old child would go to find a glass plate and then transport it to a neighbor's house to understand how much effort it took me.
However, something happened that I didn't expect.
When I looked at the bird flapping its wings on the ground, the satisfaction I expected came true - the satisfaction was not sudden, just like when you reach out to turn the globe and look at the planets as you point them.
It was like the rotation stopped. It was indescribable, but clear and subtle, and gradually expanded like a balloon. But what surprised me was that after just a few minutes, the comfortable and fascinating mood slowly disappeared completely.
what happened?
None of my adoptive parents noticed what was happening on the other side of the yard fence. I successfully made several birds fall to the ground. Why didn't I feel the same as last time? Is it because they were not injured or dead?
?
I was only six years old at the time, but I also felt an aesthetic displeasure with simple, crude, and direct "deaths and injuries."
The answer was given to me by my adoptive father.
"...Your anxiety comes from the fact that you always focus on the future. The future is of course full of countless possibilities for things to go bad, so you naturally cannot help but be anxious; you can try to focus on the present
Every moment of..."
Through the wooden door, his voice was not very clear, but I became familiar with his speaking habits and could hear the content. The therapist who came for consultation expressed a confused meaning in a very vague way.
"Just like cats and dogs, their greatest focus is on the present moment." The adoptive father explained, "The meditation practice I hope you can do is also a way to regain your attention..."
I didn't listen to the rest of the words; I was walking to the kitchen at that time. It wasn't until I poured myself a glass of milk, sat down, and opened my schoolbag that the realization hit my mind like lightning.
Animals don’t think twice!
They don't worry about the future, they don't plan the road, and they don't regret anything they do. If they hit the glass, they hit it. It hurts at this moment, so it hurts at this moment. They don't regret or complain about their carelessness.
, scolding myself for being greedy, not being able to move my wings, and being afraid of possible sequelae.
Now think about it, when I cling to the ants, what really makes me intoxicated is that they are only one step away from wonderful food and the source of life; but they have lost their lives for this illusion and will never touch it.
Food can never be brought back to our compatriots. We can only look at the snow-white, sweet mountains in front of us and gradually struggle and sink into death.
It's just that I didn't realize at that time that ants are very simple animals.
My adoptive mother was right. Education and environmental influences are really important. The awareness that I didn’t have in the orphanage for five or six years unknowingly shone on me in the first year after I arrived at my adoptive parents’ home.
Animals that only live in the present and focus only on this moment, even if they are trapped by my most exquisite trap, they cannot provide me with any emotional satisfaction. Animals are too pure, what I need is intelligence.
An object of complex thinking.
Of course, I couldn't think so clearly and systematically at that time. However, I still relied on intuition to sense what I needed.
There are many children around me.
I just need to look carefully for an opportunity...even though I don't know what I'm looking for.
At that time, my adoptive mother was always by my side, never missing an opportunity to educate me or correct me. She was always calm and gentle, and no matter how many flattering and correct words I said, she would always do it.
Just ask: "Do you really mean this?"
After I nodded in affirmation, my adoptive mother would gently say "hmm", stand up straight again, and slowly rub her eyes over my face.
One time, there was a can of a certain kind of beans in the food she bought home. My adoptive mother looked very different that day, her smile deepened, she stroked my hair and said, "When I was a child, my mother used to make this for me.
Because it is very nutritious. When I think of it, I think of my childhood home and my mother at that time... I haven’t eaten it for a long time, but I got interested today and wanted to make it for you, okay?"
I was sweating all over my back after eating dinner that day. But my adoptive mother was in great spirits and even poured herself a glass of red wine. She leaned over and asked me, "Daoyi, do you like it?"
"Well, it's indeed delicious." I stuffed my mouth full of beans, hoping to force a smile. "Are you happy, Mom?"
"Then, I will cook it for you often from now on." The adoptive mother put down the wine glass, folded her hands, and looked at me calmly. Her next sentence was caught off guard and was like a slap. "You lied, and the lie is
There will be consequences."
Hey, I said it was too far.
All in all, it was not easy to find opportunities under the eyes of such a mother, but I still found them.
Don't worry, no one died.
I also forgot how I learned about it; the relationship between the parents of a classmate named Akihara seemed to have deteriorated and he was on the verge of divorce. Now that I think about it, my plan was so childish and tacky that I felt a little embarrassed to tell him.
You heard it. I won’t go into details. In short, for a while, I often went to Akihara’s house to play - I think he didn’t like me, but he couldn’t refuse, "Miya Michichi wanted to come and play with me."
"Such vanity.
Not long after, his father rushed out of the house after repeated quarrels and beatings, and never went back. As for whether my childish hands and feet had any effect, or the relationship between the two had already reached that point.
, is a question I never know the answer to.
I went to Akihara's house again. On this day, my adoptive mother gave me a gift.
"Mother,"
Before entering the house, I plucked up the courage and took the risk to say to my adoptive mother: "Qiuyuan's father hasn't come back yet, has he? They had a big fight last time... I was here at the time and heard it all."
The adoptive mother said something like "the correct way to communicate" and "it's not right to argue in front of you".
I stood at the door of Qiuyuan's house, with my back to the wall of his yard, and said: "Later, before he went out, he looked at me and said that if he had a son like me, he would at least have a reason to stay. Also.
Since Qiuyuan, everything at home has disappointed him... Shouldn't I tell Qiuyuan? "
The adoptive mother’s brows furrowed at first. She certainly disapproved of any parent saying such a thing. After hearing this, she loosened her eyebrows, knelt down, looked at me with a hint of joy, and whispered: “That’s right.
.Since he is your friend, you have the responsibility to protect his feelings...I am very happy that you know what is the right thing to do."
I thought I succeeded at the time; being naive and inexperienced, I thought for a brief moment that I had deceived my adoptive mother and achieved my goal. But before my adoptive mother could walk back to the car, I heard Akihara sobbing from behind the wall.
Choking and crying softly.
It's too early to cry. I obviously have another next step - I don't know why I still remember it clearly now, but I don't know why I crossed it out at that time.
The adoptive mother's back was frozen at the end of the driveway, and she turned around violently.
That was the first time I saw her so angry.
Her cheeks were red with anger, she strode closer to me, and quickly glanced behind the wall, as if she understood everything.
Before, she had been teaching me not to hurt or take lives casually, but this turn of events was something she probably never expected.
My adoptive mother grabbed my wrist, very tight. Any tighter would have hurt me, but she never did. She had a steel-like self-control that prevented her from raising her voice too much even at such a moment.
many.
"Daoyi," she still maintained her calmness and her voice was slightly louder. "I know that you envy Akihara-san, that he is kind, enthusiastic and popular. You may have misunderstood. His father told me personally that when he saw
You envy your son so much, so you also hope to give you some praise to make you happy. That's not what his father said, right?"
How could I envy him——
As a young child, I was about to scream as if I had been insulted; but my adoptive mother got there first and stopped me in a low voice.
"You have done harm, and you must make amends. No one deserves to be your target, do you understand? In this world, there is a set of rules that no one can break. You must learn to distinguish right from wrong, and know what
What things can be done and what things cannot be done in order to live smoothly in this world... I want you to have a peaceful and happy life. Are you willing to let your mother help you?"
She didn't seem to realize she used the word "mom."
I looked at her, not knowing what to say at all. I was speechless when I was young. Now at this age, after experiencing the apocalyptic world, if I experience that scene again, I will still be speechless.
I'm speechless - but I will look at her carefully again, listen to her talk, and help her carry the shopping bags.
"When we go back, let's go find that ant nest together and give them some food, okay?" The foster mother pressed me tightly into her arms. I couldn't tell whether her expression and tone were angry or something else.
What. "Daoyi, you can learn it, you can..."
I forgot whether I ended up going to Akihara's house.
After I went back that day, I sprinkled a lot of rice in my neighbor's yard through the wall.