Although I have been hurt, both physically and psychologically.
It's already unbearable.
Fake love.
What is the value of a relationship that is increasingly unable to even achieve self-satisfaction?
Looking around, this is a common house. I have lived here since I was a child.
disgust.
It's easy to think of the garbage everywhere. It's moldy and maggots are growing.
Originally, I was born into a family of three, the only daughter, and it was considered a very happy family.
What should I say?
The more I understand this, the more uncomfortable I feel.
But I think I will never forget that look on their faces as they stared at me in amazement as I stepped over the garbage pile and invited them to come to my room to play.
There was a big fuss that day.
"How can you be so weak?! Do you think you can get better without saying anything??!"
Stand on the balcony and look up at the world outside.
Human beings are creatures imprisoned by inertia. Once they start walking, they are afraid of slowing down. Once they stop, they do not intend to take another step. It is not that they want to step or stop, it is the pressure from the inside that makes it like this, and this inside
The pressure only makes us repeat the same actions.
Ask, can any of my wishes be fulfilled?
Go back and pay the price.
Children are not sensible, but the rumors circulating among adults quickly separated me from my friends. At first, there were some good friends who stayed with me and played with me despite the rumors, but as time went by, they also disappeared at a certain moment.
.
It was a hand with some evil thoughts.
destiny?
I was very young at that time.
【···】
Once I decided to start doing it, I planned to do everything in place without leaving any room for error.
Later, my mother finally found out what happened to me. The reason was that she came to school to pick me up on a whim one day, met with my class teacher, and the adults exchanged information with each other.
I made an assertion.
I like her very much.
"It's worse than a pigsty... No wonder she smells so bad."
I didn't have any special feelings. I just continued to do housework silently.
I was very poor in material matters, but to be honest, seeing that I was getting closer and closer to a high school where I could go to another high school, my mood was completely different from that of my father.
As if he was shocked by my actions, he woke up immediately and knelt down on the ground crying to apologize to me.
"Looking at it this way, Xiaoqing and your mother look really alike. They are exactly the same."
“···”
think.
"Who are you?"
"What are you talking about? This is because you are being bullied. What does it have to do with me praying for you every day?!"
Even if you rely on the love game to make the senior think that he is your girlfriend from the bottom of his heart, the relationship will start to sprout again. You can feel it.
I say it because...
Really like it.
But in fact, I just threw all the housework on me who was less than ten years old.
What are you thinking about in your head?
They are obviously completely irresponsible parents, but they seem to be pretending to be very responsible parents to tell themselves what is the right thing to do.
But is this considered true love?
[Please open the channel again and try to repatriate when the target status is normal]
At that time, my father was not a complete scumbag.
Or speaking of inevitability, there is no difference, it doesn’t matter either way.
false.
The senior is not a bad person by nature, so even though I had deceived the senior and I was his girlfriend, I did not enter the bedroom. I obviously bought that kind of thing.
My experience in school suddenly changed. My senior had a private chat with that bad student. What did I not know? He was still as gentle as ever.
"I'm really sorry..."
Even though he knew that he was causing the senior to become depressed, he still said that he hoped to keep in touch and work together to find a way for the senior and I to go back.
“···”
"Don't play with her..."
The house is filled with the endless smell of cigarettes and the strong smell of beer every day.
My mother said to me like a winner, "If you encounter this kind of situation again, you must speak up directly! I don't believe that no one will care!"
"sorry···"
End everything with your own hands.
"I will send senior back."
I can't get better and better like my seniors. I can only suppress my twisted wishes by self-mutilation every day.
——
the next day.
"Classmate Qiao Qing seems to live in a garbage dump..."
At school, after that incident, my situation became even more difficult.
My mother is a childcare worker and she claims to like children very much. In terms of education, she has educated me into a qualified primary school student.
[To ensure the stable operation of 363.46.23.58, the channel has been temporarily closed automatically]
"Who are you teachers? You are paid, and the students you teach are treated like this and you don't even think about solving it?"
Immediately afterwards, many people came forward, and the news followed up on current affairs reports.
Those are not big hands caressing one's own children.
[The third attempt returns failure]
The mother was rescued as a victim.
Why?
[Please reconfirm your choice and try again?]
When did it start?
"No. You can only go to the junior high school in the town."
I think···
I am not the best destination for seniors. The best destination for seniors is whoever is waiting for him in the living world.
It rained heavily that night.
All stocks plummeted, unemployment and investments were all ruined, and he was also ruined.
My mother is pretty. She grew up in a well-to-do family and worked as a childcare worker.
It only took half a semester from going to school every day with great expectations to now fearfully avoiding other people's eyes.
My character is twisted.
My father never cared about housework, nor did he know how to cook. He only sat on the old sofa and read the newspaper with his glasses on, paying attention to the red and green curves.
There are people like that in the world.
I don’t know, or I have forgotten.
"Your mother joined an illegal church!"
She always thinks that we should go to the streets with her to appeal for the legitimacy of that organization.
It stands to reason that such a mother should have great experience in educating her children?
That's how it should be.
I didn't even dare to confess my love. I was afraid that if my senior really accepted me, I would have to sacrifice my body... Of course, I don't object to doing this.
She had no intention of quitting that kind of organization. Instead, she felt that the current society was hopeless and that she needed to believe in a god from that kind of place to change the world and make life better.
But I really hope that someone can talk to me and care about me.
In this case——
I am tired of this twisted and false world, and I am no longer willing to let love games make fun of me anymore.
After accepting the ethereal thing of love games, I have other wishes besides sending my senior back home.
I learned to harm myself.
It was also a night of heavy rain.
I said she didn't need to worry about it, as long as she left that place I would be fine.
But changes never make sense, only suddenness.
My father began to feel annoyed and complained a lot at once. Including suspecting that she had cheated on her like on TV, he said that she didn't care about family affairs at all and was not like a wife at all.
"Senior——"
However, such a gorgeous person would never want to be my private property, so she went to help someone who seemed to need help more than me.
It is wrong not to know that the bowls in the sink are moldy, it is wrong not to know that the dishes in the refrigerator smell bad, and it is wrong not to know that the living room is full of garbage and cooking oil.
If this continues, going to junior high school or even college will be a life that I long for.
My father said that my mother would not have died if there had been no quarrel.
My ugly possessiveness caused me to threaten the people she wanted to help. After she found out, I was unilaterally disgusted.
But she got angry for no reason.
I was unwilling to give in, and the ugly, rich black liquid buried deep in my subconscious was flowing. I thought, why can't I keep the seniors here? Why can't this be a living world? Why must I make way for them?
[Abnormal status of the repatriation target detected, return failed]
“···”
——
Since then, there has been one more rumor.
——
I can't initiate contact with anyone, I can't do that.
It was an illegal and filthy place. My father still only read his newspaper and cared about the profit and loss of the stock market.
To make that look, turn around and come this way.
I can still hope and look forward to high school.
I don't understand, what happened?
Why did I, who was originally very popular, suddenly become the target of being ostracized by everyone? Why was I the only one who had to go to the toilet to look for books after physical education get out of class?
——
"呲——"
[Your intention has been confirmed]
The senior has no evil thoughts towards me, he just simply wants to help me, or to inspire each other through me, hoping that he and I can become new together.
I thought that since that organization no longer existed, maybe my life would turn around earlier.
Morning.
Without turning on the light, I watched my father staggering over, smelling of alcohol, reaching out to touch my face.
——
My mother spent more and more time in that strange place every day, sometimes staying up all night without coming back for several days. It seemed as if that place was her home.
Because I wanted to be with her, I studied hard and got into the high school she wanted to go to.
I thought Jasmine was disgusted with me because I hadn't gone to school for several days and the teacher couldn't contact my parents. So when the teacher asked who could find me, she took the initiative and came to my house.
“···”
"...Are you Qiao Qing?!"
I only remember crying unknowingly and squatting on the spot in silence for a long time.
The senior is actually very capable, but what he experienced was too unexpected, so he couldn't cheer up right away.
——
The whole school knew I had a mother who was in that organization.
From then on, I silently picked up the housework that no one had done, and began to learn to clean and cook. My father still read the newspaper, and my mother still did not come home.
"Call your principal here. We must make it clear today! Also call all the parents of those who bully my daughter!"
There was a time when I thought I would never be friends with anyone again.
"sorry--"
After a big quarrel, my mother left in tears. She also drove away the family's old Volkswagen.
Could it be said that good people are magnets? Surrounding yourself will attract similar people.
So I said.
But why do such good people always target me?
The senior and Jasmine are completely different people. When we first met, I knew that his situation was similar to mine in some sense.
I think that as long as you reach junior high school, it will be fine to go to a junior high school somewhere far away. Then no matter what your parents do, it has nothing to do with you, as long as you pay tuition and living expenses.
——
Of course, maybe they misunderstood and thought that the senior and I were lovers. But that was not the case. I was just the culprit who hindered the senior from getting back on track and even caused his death.
“···”
Then, this small longing was easily shattered. Children have no right to refuse adults.
She got on the highway and planned to go back to her hometown overnight, but not far after getting on the highway, the car skidded and the brakes failed, hit the guardrail, rolled down the slope, and died. This was the exact words of the inspector who came to the house.
Jasmine is that kind of person.
It will obviously be completed soon.
Where can there be true love in a scam?
"Eh..."
When I came back from school, he hanged himself. He hung it on the lamp in the living room, swaying gently in the wind.
I have known for a long time that my senior is different from me. He wants to get better and wants to help me get better with him, but I am not. I don’t have that kind of expectation.
I have low self-esteem.
In short, I really have no friends now.
What exactly is going to happen?
When I was sleeping, the door was opened by my father.
"It's so disgusting. Children in that kind of family should stay away."
That is to say, a good person who will come to talk to you when he sees you are incompatible with someone.
It doesn't matter what the price is for someone who should have disappeared long ago. He is really stupid.
It must be the financial crisis that completely exposed the scumbag nature.
When he tried to unbutton my pajamas, I took out the knife I used to kill myself every night and stabbed him.
But I have no doubt that what arises in my senior is completely different from what I feel for Jasmine. It is mixed with a good impression of the opposite sex. To be more specific, it is far more possessive than Jasmine.
I still don’t know whether my senior simply regards me as a good friend who talks about everything, or whether he also has romantic feelings for me.
dead.
When the disease is not at its worst, I still have friends I can take home to play with.
She doesn't like anyone.
——
In fact, I don’t need to say it at all.
"After you go back, you must live well."
It was on that road that I was hit by a drunk driver without a license.
All the classmates and parents who bullied me have apologized to me.
I declined on the grounds that I had to go to school.
After the funeral, he would always talk to himself about interesting things about when he and his mother met or fell in love.
My father was not a scumbag originally. He was just mediocre, ordinary, featureless, and lazy.
"Don't call again. It will be over soon."
This is some kind of instinct. When I feel the pain is extreme, I take out a knife and draw a blood mark on my wrist. Watching the scarlet color overflowing little by little, the pain gradually slows down with the appearance of blood. I think this is a trace of blood.
Good medicine.
"Ah Yao?"
"Do you think I'm doing something pointless?"
So, today, I suddenly had to go to my senior’s house.
Should I say it’s nature?
"Are you like your father?!"
“···”
Ask him to come to the passage.
I got the call and I answered it. I actually answered it.
Start thinking.
Thanks to this, she knew about me.
That is to say, I was afraid that the scars on my body would be discovered, and I was afraid that my senior students would know my true appearance. I just imitated Jasmine's look more and more.
The illegal organization my mother joined was reported to me by my real name when I was in the second grade of junior high school. It seemed that someone discovered that his wife was having sex with someone else inside, and they even claimed that she was pregnant because of good luck.
"Puff——"
Because I decided to send my senior back home, I told him it was over.
I was awake the whole time, just pretending to be asleep. After confirming that there was no movement in the living room, I got up and went to the living room.
It's just such a coincidence.
Maybe the situation is a little better?
I don't know. Anyway, I didn't plan to contact anyone. I am no longer the innocent character I was when I first came into contact with the school. I have become taciturn and incompatible with them.
I like her so much that I want to possess her and let her only look at me.
My father was still sleeping on the sofa in the morning. He didn't seem to be planning to go out to find a job today, and there was no breakfast.
I know everything the senior does.
But it doesn't matter.
Jasmine is very popular, but my senior is just like me, very unpopular and taciturn.
Is it possible that by making a big fuss at school and causing people who didn't know about it to say, "Ah, that guy's mother joined that kind of organization...", he could be relieved?
Obviously not.
The mother still did not intend to take back her share of the housework. Because her participation in that organization was exposed, she lost her job as a childcare worker and became unemployed.
If this continues for a long time, one day I will be really broken. But I have no choice, because I am greedy for the warmth given by my seniors and cannot let go.
However, there was only disappointment on her face, and only hatred for the authorities. She thought she was doing the right thing by staying there.
How did I feel at that time?
I just need to be a stepping stone to achieve the ending.
“···”
In fact, it’s okay if I don’t exist. Anyone who is around seniors will be better than a twisted and despicable person like me.
The environment at home is deteriorating at a speed that is visible to the naked eye.
When I got to junior high school, I actually met people from elementary school.
"Huh?"
I know.
The moon is hidden among the clouds, like a beautiful flower blooming.
I'm not desperate yet.
However she joined a cult.
I lived a pretty good life before the sixth grade of elementary school. I loved doing sports and making friends. My grades were in the upper-middle range and my relationship with my teachers was also good.
Maybe it's the same type of radio waves? Anyway, that's how I feel.
I have smelled myself, and there is no stench like what they said. It is just the distorted content that the 'friend' imagined based on the environment where I live.
But it actually just got worse.
“···”
"I'm really sorry, how is it possible, ugh... I suddenly don't like you for no reason."
"It's all lies..."
When I sent my senior to the hospital and held his hand, I knew that I would probably make the same mistake again. But I couldn't control it anymore.
The twisted and ugly desire probably defeated my reason when the senior failed to return.