But I couldn't help but observe him. I made friends when I saw him.
Of course I should be happy that the senior has become better, but I can't do it. I just hide in the corner and watch the senior leave laughing with a friend.
"I don't know what happened though."
"But what if..."
"If you need my help or to be a listening ear, you can contact me at any time."
"We are good friends, right?"
And after my senior was treated like that, he didn't dislike me. Instead, he occasionally came to look after me.
Occasionally, he would deliver some snacks to the counter where I worked. In order to avoid meeting me, he would ask my colleagues to give them to me, and in order to avoid misunderstandings about him being my brother.
"Is that your brother?"
"He looks so sunny. He must be a very cheerful and gentle person."
"You look good when you smile."
"Na——"
"Does your brother have a girlfriend?"
“···”
"Is there any?"
"Who wants to know that kind of thing!"
I couldn't bear this kind of questioning. I couldn't help imagining my senior and some other girl walking together, holding hands. I couldn't help but imagine Jasmine and her senior walking together.
If it is a perfect girl like Jasmine, if it is the beautiful woman who is still staring at the senior in the dark...
"Why are you so angry? I'm just asking out of curiosity."
"There must be many girls who like someone like your brother, so that's not bad."
"Speaking of which, a very beautiful girl who looked like a young lady came over yesterday and asked about your brother."
"Is that your brother's girlfriend?"
"who?"
"What? If I knew, why would I ask you?"
The colleague shrugged and added, "She also asked me how your relationship is with your brother. It seems that even after marrying your brother, you are the type who will take care of your sister."
"Shut up!"
I don’t know what happened to me, but I picked up the bread that the customer paid for and threw it in her face.
"What are you doing?!"
There was a lot of excitement in the noisy store.
Then, I was fired from the convenience store.
Unlucky things happen one after another.
The betrayer made an appointment with me again.
"Please, tell me."
Staring at me with cold eyes, "Why do you do this to Ah Yao?"
"What does it have to do with you?"
"As long as it's Ah Yao's matter, it has nothing to do with me."
"You're just a traitor, what are you pretending to be here?!"
"Then what are you? Walking into Ah Yao's world, and then suddenly acting like you want to keep a distance without giving any reason."
She said calmly, "You know? Even a betrayer like me can understand that Ah Yao is the kind of gentle character who won't say anything on the surface but will constantly blame and question himself in his heart."
"So, let me ask you again."
"Why···"
"Want to hurt Ah Yao?"
“···”
I gritted my teeth and trembled. I couldn't look directly into her eyes.
"Wow--"
She picked up the coffee and poured it over my head. The warm stuff soaked my collar.
His line of sight was also blocked by the thick coffee.
"If you can't always be nice to Ah Yao, then just never show up in front of Ah Yao again."
"Remember this sentence, I don't care about your past, I only care about how you treat Ah Yao."
"From now on, you will either disappear completely from Ah Yao's world, or you will go back to the past."
"If you can't do it..."
"I'll teach you how to do it."
“···”
After I wiped away the liquid that blocked my sight, I looked at her and saw something that I also had in those cold pupils.
Paranoia, and madness.
Why are you doing this to me?
She is nothing but a betrayer. She is an existence that the seniors hate.
ah.
Am I a betrayer too?
There is no difference between me and her?
What exactly is it like?
I didn't even have time to get angry, so I left the cafe in despair under the surprised gazes of the surrounding diners.
"Xiao Qing...is there something on your mind?"
"without···"
"Is the matter with your senior not going well?"
"No."
"If you have any difficulties, you must tell me."
“···”
Jasmine cares about me as always, but what can I do?
Can I tell her the truth?
It's just that my remaining conscience was tortured over and over again.
Maybe it's retribution.
It's raining and I don't have an umbrella.
I know that the senior always keeps two umbrellas, and he told me the reason.
So when he saw that I didn’t have an umbrella, he wanted to use the umbrella as an opportunity to reconcile with me. This is normal.
"···unnecessary."
However, I ugly refused and disappeared alone in the rain.
I'm always worried, can't eat well, and can't sleep well.
I didn’t complain even if I got sick after being caught in the rain.
Rather, I wish I could just fall asleep and not think about anything.
You won't feel sad if you don't think about anything.
But I can't sleep.
In the dark room where only I exist, there are countless memories that I don't want to think of tormenting me.
I recalled my mother’s expression when she had the last argument with my father before she died, that ferocious face.
I recalled my father tearing my hospital gown, and I saw him hanging on the rope that was in a ball, sticking out his tongue and looking at me with an evil smile.
I recalled that Jasmine’s reputation plummeted due to me, and finally I accidentally pushed her down the stairs, leaving a horrific wound on her face.
I remembered the sad look in my senior's eyes after being rejected by me.
···
"呲——"
here we go again.
As a bad habit for many years, I took a knife and cut a wound on my wrist.
The pain becomes more and more blurred with the flow of blood.
One after another.
I always feel that I need to do this especially today.
Even my consciousness began to blur. My head was already blurry.
"Buzz-"
The phone is ringing?
That doesn't matter.
I didn't want to do anything, I just leaned against the wall and watched everything indifferently.
I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to just die and disappear.
As long as I don't exist, no one needs to suffer.
Those ugly feelings will disappear with me and no longer exist.
"Bang--"
At the last moment when I was sinking into consciousness, I heard someone smashing the door open.
"Qiao Qing?!"
Then he was picked up by someone and ran away.
——
Woke up in the hospital.
"It's not a big problem. Hospital beds are a little tight recently. Just take her back to recuperate and come back for a review tomorrow."
"I just took antipyretics and some antibiotics. It's normal for the patient to have weakness in his limbs. Don't worry."
“···”
He was silently carried into the taxi by his senior.
"To be on the safe side, I'll stay at your house and sleep on the sofa tonight."
I had no energy at all. I just listened in silence.
"Just assume you agree."
Perhaps the senior saw that I was very weak, so he didn't say anything more and just took me home and put me on the bed.
Nothing was done and no advantage was taken.
Just take care of everything before and after busy work.
He also kept silent about the fact that I cut myself.
It's a quiet night again.
What exactly is it?
I want help from my senior, but no matter what, I don’t want to have an ambiguous relationship with him anymore.
I plan to clarify my words tomorrow when my consciousness is clearer. I can't continue like this. If I get closer like this, it will definitely be broken.
I planned to get out of bed and go to the bathroom on my own.
But I was too weak, and it took too much energy just to get up.
"call--"
Holding on to the wall and stepping forward consumes a lot of energy.
"Plop——"
Soon he slumped down against the wall of the living room, his face turned pale, and he could do nothing.
"?"
"Qiao Qing? What are you doing out here?"
The senior was probably very lightly asleep or not asleep at all, so he came over immediately when he heard the noise.
"No... don't, touch me."
"Why don't I touch you? You are a patient now. Tell me what you want to do?"
"Go... drive, I can do it myself."
"You're really weird. Even if you disappear without any reason, I shouldn't have done anything wrong, right? You have to tell me the reason?"
"Ugh...go away."
"You can't just let it go. You need to go to the bathroom, right? I'll help you go there."
“···”
No.
No need to worry.
I don't know if I'm too weak or something and can't bear it anymore.
“···”
I became incontinent right in front of my seniors.
Before the senior could notice it, he hugged him with all his strength, and then tears overflowed uncontrollably.
"It doesn't matter, I won't laugh at you."
"Why are you crying?"
"Come on, slowly get up with me."
The senior didn't mean to make fun of me.
I have known from before that my senior chats in a brisk tone at ordinary times, but when he is serious, he is very gentle.
I could see that the senior was hesitant about changing my dirty clothes and underwear.
"Do you have the strength to change it yourself?"
“···”
"It seems that there is no more. If you continue like this, you will definitely catch a cold, and it will be difficult to sleep. What should I do?"
"Is there a woman next to you? How about I try to knock on the door to disturb you."
"Senior..."
"Um?"
“···”
My mind is very confused and I can't seem to think of anything at the moment.
She was just naturally attracted and pulled his hand with weak force, gesturing for him to lean down.
Then close your eyes.
What does the senior think it means when I close my eyes?
Maybe he really is a wooden person.
He thought it was my tacit permission for him to change my dirty clothes.
Try to change it quickly without touching sensitive areas.
In the process, my strength slowly recovered.
In the darkness, I stared at the senior's face.
"Senior..."
"Can you...kiss me?"
“···”
The senior didn't answer at first. It was a while after I closed my eyes that I felt soft lips approaching.
I responded weakly.
It's like tasting sweet dew, craving for it bit by bit.
"Senior sister Xiaoqing."
"Actually, I quite like you."
"It's not the love between friends, nor the love of mutual redemption, but the love of lovers."
"It seems like this is the first time I'm so interested in a girl."
"So..."
"Although it's a bit sudden, are you willing to be my girlfriend?"
“···”
It was really sudden.
I never imagined that my senior would still be willing to express his feelings to me after being alienated by me now.
"Woo..."
The tears I thought had dried up long ago fell again.
The senior didn't do anything else to me, he just got into bed and hugged me tenderly.
Whispered in my ear.
"I haven't been idle all this time."
"I've gone to find out why you suddenly kept distance from me."
"I'm sorry... I did these things without permission."
"But I finally figured out your past and why you distanced yourself from me."
"Is this okay?"
"I took the initiative to confess my love. It has nothing to do with you."
"Ah... that's not right."
"I can only say that I took the initiative to express my love and you passively accepted it. You are not the only sinner, I am the mastermind."
"But I also want to know."
"Do you have to consider so many things when choosing the person you love? Although I think Jasmine is very good, I have always regarded her as a good student with both good character and academic performance."
"If she confessed her love to me, I would probably reject it before I met you."
"I am what I am now because I completed two-way redemption with you."
"The death plan I gave you was actually prepared for myself. Rather than saying that I saved you, it is better to say that you pulled me out of the abyss."
"We became friends first, and then gradually discovered that you are cute and interesting in our daily interactions. We are attracted by your inner nature."
"Promise me, don't worry about everything anymore. As long as we work together, there will be more solutions than difficulties."
"us···"
"But we are companions who climbed out of the abyss where we almost died, and now we are lovers again."
“···”
I didn't say anything, I just gently rubbed the senior's back with my hand that was still bandaged.
"Won't it hurt?"
I still didn't answer, I just covered the senior's mouth with my lips.
Then he guided his hand to my small baby canteen. I wanted to get more warmth from the senior.
——
I still feel guilty.
But with the encouragement of my senior, I began to face myself. I couldn't tell Jasmine in person, but my senior suggested that I write an email.
Under the watchful eye of my senior, I confessed everything about myself to Jasmine.
The letter was delivered, and I checked the read receipt box so that she would receive a notification after reading it.
I received the prompt, but didn't receive a reply right away.
It took me half a month in panic before I received a reply from Jasmine again.
【I see.】
[Fool, what’s the big deal about this? Since the teacher likes you and confesses to you, of course it’s a good thing. 】
[Don’t take it to heart. It just seems like I just fell in love with someone else and fell out of love immediately.]
[How about you ask the teacher for me if he should consider having two girlfriends at the same time? I think it’s not a big deal if I share a boyfriend with Xiaoqing? 】
[Ha, I’m just kidding. Anyway, don’t take it to heart and keep getting along with the teacher. He is indeed a good person. I feel relieved.]
Jasmine was really nice and didn't blame me at all.
I started to keep in regular contact with her again.
On what day did it start?
My senior entered the workplace, and I successfully entered my sophomore year. I found that my senior was very close to a certain female senior, and I found that other juniors besides me were very close to him.
Because of my ugly possessiveness, I asked my senior to change the wallpaper on his phone to a photo of me and her, and asked him to post the date photos of me and him on his work circle of friends.
This alone does not prevent me from hating women who are very close to my seniors, even though I know very well that my seniors have never done anything out of the ordinary.
What exactly is it?
I still can't build ordinary friendships with other people. I care more and more about my seniors. I think about my seniors all the time.
"If you can't do this, you still have to open up interpersonal relationships and make more friends."
"If it's just me, I'd be happy, but at least I have to have a few friends who can talk like Jasmine, right?"
“···”
Jasmine said she was busy with her graduation project and hadn't contacted me for a long time.
My senior works very hard and the time he spends with me gradually becomes less and less.
Finally, I survived and entered the workplace.
But everything didn't go well for me. I was capable, but every time I was fired, the reason was that I wasn't good at handling interpersonal relationships and it affected the company's atmosphere.
But soon I tried to work in Jasmine’s style with the comfort of my senior, and soon I also achieved results.
I restrained myself, buried my extremely ugly possessiveness, and worked hard to become a cheerful woman in the direction my senior told me. I imagined that my senior and I would finally get together, and I could change for the better.
Um.
It was a very ordinary day when I suddenly received a call from Jasmine.
But it wasn't Jasmine on the phone, it was her family.
[Jasmine left you a last word, which she hopes we will hand over to you after her death.]
【Besides, even if Jasmine wants us not to blame you.】
[But it’s really difficult to handle. If it weren’t for you, our daughter would have lived at least a few more years. 】
【···】
Only then did I realize that the wound on Jasmine’s face caused by me had never healed, and she would always stare at her face with the horrific wound in the mirror.
Jasmine did not go abroad to study at all, but stayed in a top domestic Grade A hospital for treatment.
She had a disease of her own and had to undergo surgery early due to my reasons.
The only gift she received from me before she died and underwent surgery was the news that my senior and I were about to get engaged.
She finally responded to me on the phone in a gentle tone, "You must live a happy life, come on~fight~"
"ah···"
I read everything in the suicide note.
She told me not to blame myself.
She told me that she wouldn't live long, and if she really died, it wouldn't be bad to see her best friend and be happy before she died.
She told me that of course she would be happier being with me than someone like her who doesn't live very long. That would be very selfish of her.
She said that she was very lucky to be my good friend, to watch me get better little by little, and to see me gain happiness.
She said that she hoped that after she died, I could occasionally go to her tombstone and occasionally tell her stories about my senior and me.
···
It's still a normal day.
【Be careful on the road and have a safe journey.】
[By the way, I will pick you up in the afternoon and take you to a good place. I have prepared a surprise for you. 】
Although it was a surprise, I had known for a long time that my senior planned to take me to try on wedding dresses, and he also bought an engagement ring to give to me. He also spent a lot of money to hire a small band for this purpose.
"The senior is really nice to me and very gentle."
"Why do you suddenly say this? If you are not good to your girlfriend, who is good to you?"
"Senior, I love you."
"Suddenly I feel numb...but I love you too."
“···”
Hang up the phone.
I looked at the subway track with very sad eyes and threw my phone into the track in front of the noisy crowd.