I am very ill and have been ill for more than a year.
A lot of things happened during this period. The queen got her wish and gave birth to her first child. Unfortunately, it was an imperial concubine, named Huangfu Mingyue.
In the past year, after I took some mixed herbal medicines intentionally or unintentionally, my illness became intractable and became a serious illness on the imperial doctor's mind, because every month Huangfu Zhi had to check my prescription, and my
He was ill and recovered, and I could only console him by saying it was an old illness.
I don't know if what I did was right, or it was shameful cowardice, but I didn't want to worry about it. In Shuyue Palace, except for a few words with Huangfu Zhi every day, I was basically speechless.
I chose a stupid way to leave, stupidly escaping, and got a moment of relief, but I was never happy.
Because I clearly know that I have Huangfu Zhi in my heart. I don’t know if that is called love. I can’t refuse him but I can’t talk to him either. I don’t have the courage to be honest with him and I don’t have the ability to protect myself properly.
,So, I would rather be a snail.
It hurts me to see the pity in his eyes, and panic when I see the doubts he shows from time to time.
I am shamefully cowardly, afraid of being stripped naked and stripped of everything. I avoid him but at the same time I still have some enthusiasm, which is a kind of yearning.
Huangfu Zhi's love for me has always been the same, but because of my health, he lost a lot when he stayed overnight in Shuyue Palace. Every time I am lucky, I will grasp the time very well, even though I know that taking some herbal medicines mixed together will not make it easy to get pregnant.
But to be cautious, I will carefully calculate the date when I will go to bed in Kui Shui.
I have to build up my abilities and protect myself. Once I get pregnant, all the odds will be against me.
Once you enter the palace, you are as deep as the sea. Since you don’t even have the ability to protect yourself, how can you fight for your children? Ever since the Queen had Mingyue, Mingyue has come to me more often.
Concubine Jin has taken on the heavy responsibility of raising the eldest prince. Although the queen is dissatisfied with Mingyue being the emperor's concubine, she is her own flesh and blood after all, so she naturally doesn't care about Mingzhu as much as before. Mingzhu has a rather withdrawn personality, but I like her very much, and the coffee table is full of them.
The dolls made for her and two colorful wooden horses on the garden lawn were made with the help of Qi Nan. Huangfu Zhi often came to my place, and Mingzhu was still unfamiliar with him and always hid.
A little head poked out behind me, its big bright eyes shining with eagerness.
I would let Huangfu Zhiduo hug her, let Mingzhu be in his arms, I would make her happy, and he would laugh too. At that moment, I felt that I was happy.
Because of the printing of scriptures, Qi Nan often walked around the palace. After completing the necessary work, he would come to my place and enjoy himself talking about Zen, playing the piano, and carving. He seemed to be able to understand everything and explained my illness.
It's a heart disease, why don't you give it a try or have more trust.
I always lower my head and escape, feeling that I am becoming more and more weird, perhaps more and more idiotic, making some fearless sacrifices and thinking about some silly past.
At night, I still had insomnia. This had nothing to do with the herbal medicine. Huangfu Zhi couldn't find any problem from the prescription alone. It was just a heart problem.
Afraid of being left alone, not wanting to hear the sound of every simple teardrop falling, and not wanting to disturb the silence deep in so many sad souls, saying goodbye silently and paying homage to the past.
One day, Qinan told me that Ning Yuanjue had disappeared.
I didn't cry, he said. During a battle, he was seriously injured and fell off his horse from a cliff. The soldiers searched for his body for a long time but could not find it.
Look up at the sky, hold your breath, and only by forgetting to breathe can you forget the pain. It will still hurt, and you can’t deceive yourself.
I waved my hand and continued carving the doll on my hand, but I scratched myself. Looking at the open wound, I could only smile and cry since I couldn't speak, which made me forget who I was.
That night, Huangfu Zhi slept next to me. I hugged him tightly, entangled with him wantonly, stroked his brow, and was more proactive and enthusiastic than ever.
Later, I lay in bed for a whole month. Huangfu laughed at me for being greedy for pleasure. While he was joking, he kept holding my hand tightly, but his eyebrows were still frowning. I blushed and let him hug me.
He never said a word to me about the battle, the disappearance of Ning Yuanjue, and even when he and Prime Minister Liu had a falling out in the court, he never showed the slightest hint of displeasure when he came to my place.
.
Isn't he in a conflict and struggle? On one side is his love for me, on the other side is Liu Xiang's stubbornness and arrogance. It is a tug-of-war and give-and-take between love and power, a heavy helplessness.
His eyebrows, that shallow mark, are his unspeakable qualities as a monarch.
I am not qualified to ask for his love, because I know that this love is too dignified to bear.
Because of my illness, he allowed me not to go to the Queen Mother every day to pay my respects. No matter what banquet I didn't want to attend, I didn't have to go. He even ordered that no one could step into my Shuyue Palace at will...