If I had never tasted the feeling of warmth, maybe I would not be so cold; if I had never felt the sweetness of love, maybe I would not be in such pain. If I had not met the kind-hearted Peg, if I had never been
Once I leave my room, I will never know how lonely I am. - "Edward Scissorhands"
——
Xiaochuan has been a little panicked recently because he found that he is getting older. Otherwise, why would he always think of the past unconsciously? It is also easy to get distracted at work. It is difficult to concentrate. Even if he can, time will not
It was a long time, so he started to resume morning exercises, but this always reminded him of the morning exercises he and Ruochu got up early in the past, so he went to the gym in the evening instead.
In the past, he never cared about his age. It was only when he occasionally had back pain or old diseases that he realized that time was not forgiving. But after he got better, he never cared about it and didn't know how to take care of it. Xiao Xiao
Qing has told him many times that it was okay if he didn't pay attention when he was young, but if he doesn't notice now, he will find them all when he gets old. Xiaochuan always laughed it off, and his living habits remained the same as before. He went his own way and did not stick to trivial matters. In his opinion, aging is far away from him.
Very far, as long as he doesn't feel old.
However, I don’t know when, maybe since he came back this time, he began to be afraid of the passage of time, because every day that passed meant that he was one day closer to old age, and he began to pay attention to young people’s fashionable things again, because
He was afraid that his mind would no longer be young, so he began to pay attention to the subtle changes in his body. He began to deliberately stay away from things that accelerated aging. He even began to pay attention to the lines around his eyes...
Because, for some reason, he has never wished he was young as much as he does now.
When he first came back from China, Xiaochuan, like Ruochu, immersed himself in crazy work and frequent socializing. He did almost everything by himself and filled up all the time except sleeping. Although such days were physically difficult,
He was very tired, but his heart was peaceful, but after all, this was not a long-term solution. When work and social interaction could no longer occupy his thoughts, he began to fall into unprecedented loneliness.
Xiaochuan himself was also surprised. Such days were perfectly normal for him. He had been like this since Monica left. Logically speaking, he had gotten used to it, but why did it become like this? Is it because of someone else?
The comparison of the beautiful days when he returned to China shows how cold it is now. It should be like this, but will he regret it? Thinking about it carefully, no, no matter what, he will not regret the period of time he and Ruochu shared.
Even if their brilliance made the rest of his life dim, he would not regret it. It was a day that made him smile unconsciously whenever he thought of it, and it was the most precious time in his life.
He originally thought that just staying away would end such an episode that shouldn't have happened. He thought that time would dilute some things that he didn't want to keep in his memory, but he found that some memories were not diluted but gradually deepened, because you will always
Continuously review some memories, and even enrich their contents unconsciously, and the memories will be permanently engraved in your mind, becoming clearer and more vivid, such as the time when he and Ruochu lived together.
segment of memory.
Xiaochuan also discovered that some of his ways of doing things, ways of thinking and living habits had changed at some point. For example, when he encountered some hesitations at work, he would think about how Ruochu would handle it, and then follow her instructions.
Decide with your way of thinking and find that things become easier; for another example, he used to order takeout or eat fast food for dinner, and go to the bar to drink when he had time, but now he will visit the supermarket in his free time and cook himself a sumptuous meal
Dinner, and then while eating, we will think about the days when the two of us competed in cooking, so that one person’s dinner will not be so difficult to swallow.
He never deliberately thought of or forgot her, but she would always appear in his mind in one way or another inadvertently. Sometimes she was steady and reserved, sometimes she was lively and cute, sometimes she was a child who would act coquettishly towards him, and sometimes
He is also a high-quality work partner who can provide insightful insights. At first, Xiaochuan thought that as time went by, Ruochu's image would slowly fade away, but he miscalculated. Not only did he not slowly forget her, she appeared in his mind.
The frequency is getting higher and higher, and sometimes Xiaochuan even doesn't find himself in a daze in the office because he thinks of some of her things.
He began to look forward to her weekly phone reports, expecting her to say something else besides work, even if it was to make fun of him, but her tone was always formulaic, which made him feel a little raw every time.
, and he had to cooperate with her in the same formula. He wanted to ask her how she was doing several times, but he didn't ask. Later, he even began to look forward to this stiff and cold work report. After all, he could listen to her.
As long as your voice is normal, it means you are not sick.
It wasn't until that time when she called because she was afraid of thunder that he realized how much he cared about her.
That time, he was holding an important meeting in the company. At the critical moment, Ruochu called. Because it was night in China, Xiaochuan habitually wanted to press the button because he was preoccupied with the meeting. Unintentionally
I caught a glimpse of the phone call from Ruochu, and my heart immediately skipped a few beats. I had just reported to work yesterday, and it was still late at night in China. If I called at this time, something must have happened.
Without saying a word, Xiaochuan left the whole room of people in the conference room looking at each other, while he ran to the corridor to nervously answer Ruochu's call.
She didn't make a sound, but her subtle breathing could be heard. Xiaochuan knew that she was listening, and that she must have encountered some difficulties, but she didn't say anything, so Xiaochuan could only worry. At this time, there was a faint sound of thunder from the receiver.
Xiaochuan immediately realized what had happened, and his mind instantly recalled Ruochu's fear of thunder. At this moment, Xiaochuan wished he could put on his wings and fly over, but he couldn't do anything now, until now
Only then did Xiaochuan understand what distance meant. He had always thought that distance was not a problem at all, but now, this damn distance made him powerless and he could only watch the person who he had never wanted to suffer suffer endure.
And he couldn't do anything.
The sound of thunder was as loud as a roar, and Xiaochuan could feel Ruochu's increasingly rapid breathing and the fear she was desperately suppressing, so he could only keep telling her jokes, trying his best, until there was no more sound in the receiver.
There was no thunder until her breathing gradually stabilized. Just when he was about to breathe a sigh of relief, she suddenly started sobbing, and his heart tightened again. He understood what she was doing, but this was what he wanted.
He asked her for forgiveness ten thousand times in his heart, but he couldn't do it.
After hanging up the phone, I realized that I had almost ignored everyone in the conference room for a long time, so I quickly apologized and announced the adjournment of the meeting.
Because she hung up the phone in tears, Xiaochuan knew that if something happened to him in the first year of junior high school, he would easily get sick, so he was always worried about it. He always had the urge to go back to China to see her to reassure himself, but he was also afraid that she would misunderstand him, so
With such a tangle, not only was it difficult to sleep and eat, but he also developed oral ulcers. He also dreamed about Ruochu running to his room because he was afraid.
What's more coincidental is that within two days, Xiaochuan had just fallen asleep and was awakened by thunder. His first reaction was to call Ruochu to comfort him. When he picked up the phone, he remembered that this was the United States, separated from Ruochu.
Thousands of miles away, the thunder here did not mean that Ruo Chu would hear it, but it made him make up his mind.
Early the next morning, Xiaochuan boarded the flight back to China.
Xiaochuan has been watching Ruochu from a distance since she came out of the office building, went to the supermarket to buy groceries, and then reluctantly walked home carrying her things.
Her long hair had been cut short at some point, and she was slimmer, making her look more capable and mature. Her fit-fitting professional attire made her look graceful and exquisite, and her simple denim T-shirt outfit conveyed that
Different temperaments, he likes both.
He followed her intently, always keeping a distance, until she stopped at the door of the building. She turned around to look out of habit. He hurriedly hid behind the pillar, seeing that she seemed to be looking for someone, and he thought she had discovered him. Fortunately, Xiaochuan didn't know that this was just Ruochu's fixed action. The reason was that she once dreamed that when she returned to the door of the building after get off work, her father called her behind her, so she turned around every time she passed by. Take a look, because she always felt that that dream might come true one day.
It wasn't until she disappeared from his sight, until the lights in the room upstairs turned on and off, that Xiaochuan reluctantly left. This was the purpose of his return to China. To take a look at her and know that she was fine, he
I feel relieved.
But after returning to the United States, Xiaochuan felt that life was even more hopeless and lonely. He even wondered if he was suffering from depression, so he went to see a psychiatrist. The result was that everything was normal, but he couldn't mention anything.
When he became interested, the only thing that made him more excited was the arrival of Xiaoqing and Bernard. When they invited him to return to China, he was really excited, but in the end he did not have the courage to come back and face her.
One year, as long as he told her one year later that he didn't love her at all, he believed that she would not break her promise and would quit quietly, and she would never mention it again now. Logically speaking, he didn't need to be afraid, but
He was just afraid to go back. Maybe he didn't realize that what he was afraid of was precisely himself, his own heart. It was his heart that was the same as hers that would not be able to insist on surrendering to him. In that case, all efforts would be in vain.
All previous efforts will be wasted.
Once upon a time, there were many difficulties, except for Wushan and Yun. If he had not given his contact information to Qin Nan, would he not have become Ruochu's godfather? Then there would not have been so many entanglements later.
If he didn't choose to return to China for development, but went back every year to celebrate her birthday, then even though they were unfamiliar, it would be better than being so worried about her.
However, everything is if, and there is everything in this world, but there is no if. Just because he has experienced such beautiful days, and just because he has been so happy, he slowly discovered that maybe Ruochu would win in the end, because
It also takes courage to betray your own heart.
It was precisely because Ruochu gave him everything that he realized that he was deeply lonely at this moment...