People who suffer are not aware of the intensity of the pain when they endure it. On the contrary, it is the prolonged torture that makes them most heartbroken. - Hawthorne's "The Scarlet Letter"
——
When Ruochu came out of the kitchen, she didn't know where she was going, so she instinctively wanted to rush out of the house, because at this time she only felt one thing, that was chest tightness, so tight that she couldn't breathe. She urgently needed it.
Fresh air, but it seems that it can't be given to her here.
Because it was winter outside, and Ruochu was only wearing a thin cashmere sweater in the room, so when he ran out without hesitation, he was intercepted by Qin Bei and Ruo Qi, who had just returned.
"Ruoruo, what are you doing out in the cold weather without clothes?" Qin Bei asked, holding Ruochu who almost ran into his arms.
Ruochu couldn't explain anything to Qin Bei. She didn't want to talk to anyone now. When Qin Bei stopped her, "Oh, it's okay, then I'll go back to the room." She barely controlled her emotions, lowered her eyes and replied, turning around.
Head to your room upstairs.
"Ruoruo, what's wrong with you?" Qin Bei asked behind him in confusion, Ruoruo didn't answer, and disappeared around the corner of the stairs in the blink of an eye.
Qin Bei shook his head helplessly. He had a lot to think about since his daughter was older, but he didn't pay much attention to it. After taking off his coat, he went to Yuan Jingshu's room to report first.
During the meal, Qin Nan asked Ruo Qi to go up and call Ruo Chu, but Ruo Qi was rejected and came down, saying that her sister had said she would not eat dinner and asked everyone not to wait.
Qin Nan wondered, the best thing about this child is that she has a good appetite, and nothing can delay her meal. What's more, there are guests at home, so why can she just stop eating if she doesn't want to eat? Seeing Xiaochuan also looked worried, "
Oh, it’s okay, I’ll go up and take a look, you can eat first.” Qin Nan got up and went upstairs to find Ruochu.
Ruochu now has all the windows in the room wide open, and the cold wind is blowing into the room. Her hands and feet are already cold, but they are nothing compared to her heart. She now feels like she has been teased.
It turns out that the person she has always loved is actually her mother, the mother who she has always regarded as the representative of perfect women, the mother who is so good that no one can find any flaws and makes her father fascinated. How could she?
Didn't expect that?
In fact, she should have thought of it. Now looking back on the memories before the age of six, he has always played the role of father. Why? She was young at the time and didn't understand. Now thinking about it, it is obvious that it was just because he was her godfather.
, how is it possible? I don’t even think about why a man would become his godfather, but not for that woman?
And I foolishly thought that he had fallen in love with me, but he still refused to face his own feelings, or had illusions about him, and was confident that he would fall in love with me. Now it seems that it is simply a daydream.
She understands that once her heart is occupied by one person, there will be no room for another person. She has experienced it firsthand. Now, whether it is Monica or Michelle, they are just a passerby or a mere formality.
, because she had never heard him take the initiative to mention any of them, and for her mother, every time he mentioned her mother, his voice wanted to overflow with tenderness. How come she didn't notice it?
And she, her beautiful, wise, elegant and noble mother, knew clearly that her father had always loved her, and that all the suffering he had suffered for so many years, including now, was due to her, how could she still live so peacefully?
Ruochu actually didn't want to blame anyone, but she just couldn't control it. She wanted to force herself not to think, but no matter how weak her body was or how numb her limbs were from the cold, it couldn't stop her mind from running at a high speed without any structure.
She was surrounded by the sadness of being betrayed by her nearest and dearest people, a double betrayal, even though she knew they didn't mean it.
"Ruoruo, can I come in?" Qin Nan knocked on the door outside and asked.
If it was before, even an hour ago, this voice would have brought her the most warmth in the world. But now, this voice was like a sword, so harsh that it seemed like it could penetrate her eardrum.
If there was no reply at first, Qin Nan opened the door and walked in directly.
"Kid, why are you opening the window so wide? You are not afraid of the cold." Qin Nan shivered from the cold as soon as he came in, and went to close the window opened by Ruochu.
Ruochu lay on his back on the bed and made no sound.
Qin Nan closed the window and glanced at Ruochu who was lying on the bed. He felt something was wrong. He walked over and stretched out his hand to touch her forehead. It was cold. "Ruoruo, what's the matter? Do you feel uncomfortable somewhere? Go down and eat."
, are waiting for you, there is something you like to eat." Qin Nan said softly.
Half a moment.
"I ate too much yesterday and had indigestion. I won't eat tonight. You guys can eat." Ruochu forced himself to say this, his eyes always staring at the ceiling and not looking at Qin Nan.
Qin Nan sighed, she knew Ruochu's temper, "Then I'll keep it for you. When you get hungry, I'll heat it up for you." After saying that, he patted Ruochu's little face, turned around and walked out of her room.
Room.
Ruochu let out a long breath and almost shed tears. What if she can no longer face her like before? She is her mother, she is the best person in the world, but she just can't
Facing her, no matter how nice she is to her, she can't erase the shadow in her heart. She has to face these two relationships of mother and daughter and love rival at the same time. How can she convince herself to achieve inner peace? Look.
I can't stay in this home anymore.
When Qin Nan walked downstairs, Xiaochuan kept staring at her. It seemed that he didn't move anything on the table and was waiting for them.
"Let's eat, Ruoruo is not hungry now." Qin Nan said lightly, and Xiaochuan also forced a smile.
During this meal, except for Ruoqi who had a shiny face, none of the adults ate much, especially Xiaochuan, who drank a lot of wine and didn't want to give up drinking now.
After dinner, Ruochu never came down, and Xiaochuan felt a little strange. His eyes kept glancing up the stairs from time to time, but there was no movement. Ruochu was fine during the day. Although he was not as lively as before, his mental state was also good.
Not bad, but why did he suddenly not show his face at night?
Qin Bei was in a good mood today, and it was also because he hadn't had a heart-to-heart talk with Xiaochuan for a long time. He kept asking him to talk. Xiaochuan was really worried about Ruochu in the end, so he said he wanted to go back, and then went upstairs to find Ruochu in person.
If the door to the room was unlocked at first, since the heart is locked, it actually doesn't matter whether the door is locked or not.
When Xiaochuan opened the door and came in, Ruochu was still lying on his back in the same position.
"Ruoruo, I'm going back, do you want to go with me?" Xiaochuan asked while standing at the door.
Ruochu closed his eyes and did not answer.
"Ruoruo?"
…
Xiaochuan realized that the matter was a bit serious, so he turned around and closed the door.
"What happened, tell daddy." Xiaochuan walked to Ruochu's bedside and asked eagerly with a frown. Seeing that Ruochu's face was pale, he seemed to have been hit hard.
Ruochu still remained silent.
"Don't scare daddy, okay? Don't you know daddy is worried?"
…
"What's wrong with daddy? Can you tell me?"
…
"Are you really worried about daddy?"
…
"Then I'll go on my own. You can stay here tonight." Seeing that he couldn't get anything out of the question, Xiaochuan finally said helplessly.
…
When Ruochu still didn't respond, Xiaochuan sighed and walked out heavily.
"Is that all true?" Ruochu suddenly asked in a hoarse voice.
Xiaochuan stopped and turned around. Ruochu didn't open his eyes, but he spoke.
"What?" Xiaochuan asked quickly.
"You love my mother, is it true?" Ruochu opened his eyes, but his eyes were empty.
Xiaochuan's heart sank, and he immediately understood what had happened and how he wanted to answer.
"That means admitting it, right?"
"Ruoruo, I..."
"Then, you like to be with me just because I am her daughter, because you can think of her when you see me. If you can't get her, then just treat me as her substitute, right?" Ruochu supported herself.
He sat up, his eyes suddenly became sharp, but his tone was unusually calm.
"Ruoruo..." Xiaochuan wanted to refute, but Ruochu's words flashed through his mind like a bolt of lightning. He really hadn't thought about this question. He had to think about whether this statement made sense.
, because until now he really doesn’t know if the reason why he likes to be with Ruochu is because of Qin Nan, or if Ruochu was not Qin Nan’s daughter, would he still like her so much? It is undeniable that he had promised to give her
Ruochu was indeed the godfather for Qin Nan. As for whether and when it would change later, he really had to think carefully before he could get the answer. Now that Ruochu was talking about it, his sense of proportion was also messed up.
During this period of silence, Ruochu smiled bitterly.
"Go away, I don't want to see you again."
"Ruoruo, I..." When Xiaochuan heard this, his heart felt as if he had been pierced by a sharp dagger.
"Tomorrow I will go back to pack my things, and I will submit my resignation when I go to work..." Ruochu took a breath after saying this, "Our two agreements, as of now, do not owe each other anything. You are still my godfather.
"
Xiaochuan only felt that his heart was being pinched and painful, and he couldn't say a word.
"Please, can you just leave me alone for a while?" Ruochu's voice began to sound like crying. Finally, Xiaochuan gritted his teeth and hurried downstairs.
When the door to the room rang, the tears he had been holding back finally flowed down his cheeks. Ruochu lay on the bed, twitching his shoulders and letting out suppressed sobs. He did not deny it, so let's end it like this.
, even though I’m reluctant to give up, even though my heart hurts, but what else can I do?
It was the first time in my life that I tried so hard to love someone. I never thought of giving up even though there were all kinds of difficulties and dangers. But in an instant, all my hopes dimmed and even turned into despair. So what if I was unwilling to give up?
How? Now Ruochu finally understands that there are some things that you can get without hard work, and there are some people that you can't get close to even if you spend your whole life...