Our hearts are always wrapped up in ourselves, and then hidden deeply in a dark corner subconsciously. Many of us always think that we are upright, but we don’t know that our subconscious is full of evil; some people think that they
Their feelings are very specific, but they often express their most primitive desires in their dreams; many people feel that they have forgotten their first love, but they don’t know that their first love has already been stored in their memory.
Deep in the soul...
At the beginning, Zhuang Qing didn't fully know her true feelings for Song Mei, until the moment when Song Mei thought. Until now, I still remember Zhuang Qing's heartbreaking cry after Song Mei's death.
scene.
Perhaps Song Mei's death did not make Zhuang Qing give up her pursuit of love, but the environment she lived in later definitely made her more indifferent to feelings, because she found that the circle she was in was full of desire and love.
Reality, and those desires and reality are so naked.
And I.
Yes, there is me. I have been thinking about one thing for a long time: Has Zhuang Qing really never had any real feelings for me? Has she really never regarded me as someone who can grow old with her?
? My answer is always no. I feel her true love for me, and I know that some things cannot be faked.
But she still abandoned me without hesitation. Now I understand the reason why.
It was the chaos of my life, or to be precise, the bohemianness of my love life that made her deeply disappointed in me. Even after Zhao Menglei had left this world, she still did not choose me, but gave me up.
I gave it to Chen Yuan. In the final analysis, she regarded me as a man who could not be entrusted to me for the rest of my life.
So, now it seems that I used to think that she just regarded me as Song Mei's replacement. This idea is not completely correct.
But I can completely believe in one thing: we are friends. I have never doubted this. At this time, I couldn't help but sigh in my heart: This is good, maybe this can maintain the relationship between us for a long time.
In fact, I also have a doubt about myself: If Zhuang Qing really agrees to be with me, can I make her give up everything she has? Such an idea is definitely unrealistic, because today Zhuang Qing is no longer
She was the same person in the past. So, can I give up everything I have now for her? Well, maybe. But when I really give up, can I still tolerate her current lifestyle? Definitely not.
Therefore, we can only do this, we can only continue to maintain the existing relationship. This is the best for me and her, at least it will not affect my career and hers.
After thinking about all this, I suddenly felt a lot more relaxed. When a person no longer has extravagant expectations for certain things, his heart will become calmer. In the final analysis, this is when a person fully accepts what God has given to him.
An inevitable manifestation of fate.
I said nothing more and gently touched her face and the edge of her hair. After sighing, I said to her: "Zhuang Qing, maybe I will never get married again in this life. To be honest,
I'm even afraid of getting married. As you know, I already have a shadow in my heart."
She also sighed, "Actually, we are all miserable people. Now I think clearly. As an actor, not getting married may be a good thing. Also, I don't want children. In fact, I just want to live my whole life alone.
It's very good, free, carefree, carefree, so good."
I nodded. But I was thinking in my heart: It is true that a person can live a life of freedom and ease. It is hard to say that it is carefree, and that will definitely be accompanied by loneliness. But I will not say this to her now.
That's right, because I believe that she shouldn't have suddenly thought of this idea just now.
She is actually a poor woman. I sighed in my heart and hugged her gently. She turned over and nestled in my arms with her back. Her body curled up and let me go softly.
Hug her gently.
At this moment, the tenderness in my heart arose again, and I kissed and caressed her back. These actions were all too familiar to me.
I felt sorry for her in my heart, and said to her softly: "I'm sorry. You go and wash up, and then we can all go to bed early."
She said: "Yeah." But she still got up after a while, then went to the bathroom to rinse and came back. Her skin, which she had just rinsed, gave me a cool feeling. Her body was still leaning against her body.
I curled up in my arms. I could feel that she was not about to fall asleep because her breathing was not so even.
I asked her softly: "You're not sleeping, are you?"
She answered me: "Yeah."
I asked again: "What are you thinking about?"
She said: "No."
"Zhuang Qing, you have something on your mind. Can you tell me?"
She said: "No. Really."
I felt a sense of loss in my heart, "Then, let's go to sleep."
But at this time she suddenly said: "Feng Xiao, I can't have children in this life."
I was shocked and surprised at the same time, "Why?"
Her voice was still soft, "I have had five abortions, and my uterine wall is already very thin. Therefore, it is impossible to have another child."
My heart suddenly sank, "Zhuang Qing, you used to be a nurse in the obstetrics and gynecology department. You should know that such a conclusion requires a professional doctor to make it accurate for you."
I didn't blame her for why that happened, why she accidentally got pregnant five times, because it no longer made any sense, after all, it was in the past.
She said: "It will happen again. I wish I could cut off my uterus. It is so miserable to be a woman. All the pain has been borne by us women. I must be a man in my next life."
I felt very uncomfortable, and at the same time I couldn't help but want to blame her, "Zhuang Qing, you used to be a nurse. You clearly know that multiple abortions are bad for your health, but why don't you pay attention? The body is your own.
, why do you do this to your body?”
She didn't speak, so I couldn't say anything more about her. Now, I realized that I really didn't understand her.
Soon, I found that her body became more supple in my arms, and her breathing became even and soothing. She fell asleep.
I sighed in my heart, kissed her hair gently, and asked her softly in my heart: Zhuang Qing, what are you doing?
In the endless pity, I also began to slowly fall into sleep. (To be continued)