"Why? Will you hate living with me? Do you mean, did I do something wrong? Now, tell me... I can change it!"
But she was sluggish at first, and then she became obviously anxious to a certain extent, and even held my hand and shed tears.
It's like I'm really scared that I've done something disgusting.
"How could such a thing be possible?!"
I turn up the volume.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to yell at you or get angry at you, really."
I held her hand as hard as I could, "I'm angry at myself. How much do I have to hurt you to be satisfied? How long do I have to go on like this before it's over?"
"This time...it really took a lot of effort for me to say this."
"I think if I stay by your side in my current state, it will be easy for me to rely on you when I encounter setbacks again."
“I never want to go back like that!”
"At least...I want to be a human being from the bottom of my heart now."
Yes.
I can't call him a man, I just want to try to be a man.
"But if Ah Yao just wants to be independent, I can also help... No, I can also supervise!"
"Then, the cost of living will also be reduced if two people live together."
"Suddenly, if you want to live independently, there will definitely be a lot of things you are not used to!"
"Weren't we always together until now? Suddenly... ah, is it because the house is too small? Then it's okay if we change to a bigger one!"
“···”
It looked like she was in some kind of chaos, which made the guilt deep in my heart surge even more.
Who is she?
She is the same age as me, but different from me, she is an outstanding woman who works regularly and can be independent.
Even if you don’t wear makeup, you will still see beautiful scenery wherever you go.
She was just imprisoned by the past, and she was tied to herself ten years later for too long.
If she can take this opportunity to leave herself and re-examine interpersonal relationships, without looking at her own face and thinking, 'Who is the man I have lived with for seven years?', she will definitely come to a conclusion quickly.
That is simply not worth mentioning and not worthy of her role.
Compared to the men around her, they are complete trash.
Anyway, I didn't continue talking this time.
I need money, and I won’t ask her for money again, which is quite ironic. In the past, I always followed her gentle gaze and relied on her, but now that gaze is hurting me every second.
Self-esteem.
Ahhh.
After many years, I actually picked up something like self-esteem from the garbage on the ground. It is really even more amazing.
I got paid again.
Due to some mistakes at work, as a newcomer, I still have many shortcomings, so I was deducted a part of my salary.
My money is not enough for me to live a good living environment.
"Starting from tomorrow, I will move out."
"This is a rental contract."
I told her about it after everything was settled.
"Definitely, do you want to move out?"
"must."
"Then I'll come over and see you every day."
"Is that still considered independent?"
“Breakfast and dinner…”
"It's not the way to go."
I saw her pouting lips and the way she hesitated to speak, so I said cruelly, "We can't see each other for a month."
In fact, my original plan was that not only would we not be able to meet each other for a month, but we would also prohibit phone calls and social interactions. In other words, I would completely disappear from her world for a month.
But I couldn't say it out loud.
The reason is not for her... I simply feel that I can't do it. If after the heavy work is over, I can't find anyone to talk to, and I can't hear or see anything about her, I might be
Defeated. My will is so weak.
"That's right...can't you do it for a week?"
"No. A week is nothing, right?"
"Half a month?"
"This is not buying food from the market, it's my request. Otherwise, I don't have the confidence to stay by your side."
Am I like a boyfriend who plans to cold-bloodedly bully his girlfriend?
Maybe it looks like this to outsiders.
But I am definitely not. I am really thinking about...how to be a boyfriend worthy of her.
Yes.
Even though I knew I was trash compared to any other man around her, I couldn't suppress my fantasy.
Could it be that... even after looking at other men around me and me, you would still choose me?
Although even I know it is impossible.
"But there are three bus stops so far away. It's too far. Can't it be closer?"
"It's been decided."
I endured the heartache and held her hand seriously, "I hope you can take this opportunity to re-value your own life. After that, we can meet again."
She couldn't refuse my request.
Just like I borrowed money again and again.
When I think of this, my heart aches again. You should stop being a scumbag to a certain extent.
——
I moved to a new place as promised.
Her request to help me move was rejected by me. I didn't have many things, so I finished them all while she was at work.
If I wait until she comes back, I might be asked to stay for dinner again. Then I probably won't be able to refuse her request to stay one more night.
I have to think about removing the traces of my life from here before she comes back. As much as possible.
Xia Xianyue now has nothing to make up for with me.
Speaking of which, I met her some time ago when I was going to get some money from her as soon as possible. She walked out of the building with her colleagues from the company.
"I heard...your boyfriend is gambling?"
A colleague said unceremoniously.
"I used to know how to do it, but now I have changed my ways. I am working hard."
"That's a lie, right? Once you gamble once, it's impossible to change. Now I'm asking you for money again but I'm doing nothing, right?"
“···”
"Let me tell you, wouldn't it be easy for an outstanding woman like you to change her boyfriend? And with your ability, you don't have to worry about losing status."
"I have never thought about changing my boyfriend. If my boyfriend is not good, the first thing I should think about as a girlfriend is to help him change."
"I really don't understand you-"
That's not forced.
It means smiling sincerely and saying that you still love yourself.
Then, he deceived her again and took the money to gamble.
Is it similar to the situation many years ago?
But it's not like it at all.
In the past, she was only accused of unwarranted charges by those little girls and said bad things, and she agreed sadly. Now of course she knows that she didn't think that way, and if she did, she wouldn't have allowed herself to be a parasite for so long.
Now it is no longer an unfounded crime.
As her colleagues said, she is trash. She has also encountered a lot of criticism because of her own affairs.
I had insomnia on the first day of moving.
Because there was no warm body nearby, and there was no delicious dinner. After eating instant noodles, I planned to sleep, but I couldn't fall asleep.
I always pick up the phone and want to ask her how she is, but I hold back.
This is not possible, it only lasts for less than a day. So what?
The next day, I made frequent mistakes at work due to lack of sleep.
"What kind of idiot are you?!"
"I can't do such a small thing well! I really regret letting you in in the first place!"
“···”
Maybe it's because the business conditions were not good to begin with, and after making a mistake, I was scolded in full.
To be honest, I'm in a very bad state.
I was on the verge of running out of the building and quitting, but then I got a call.
"How is work...?"
"Didn't I tell you not to contact me at the beginning?"
"Haha, because I'm really worried... I'm worried that Ah Yao won't be able to eat well, sleep well, be stressed at work, etc..."
"I'm not that fragile, am I?"
She also mentioned that she would like to come and see me in the evening.
But I refused.
What's going on?
When you encounter a setback, or is it really a setback caused by being scolded for your own reasons, do you have to run away?
"call--"
I took a few deep breaths and returned to my workstation again.
It sounded like there was no problem, but in fact I made frequent mistakes and got scolded a lot. But the boss didn't really want me.
When the overtime work finally ended, he did not intentionally not buy coffee for me, the person who had caused a lot of trouble. He gave it to everyone who stayed until this time without distinction, and then said to me, "Thank you for your hard work. It's daytime."
Is it because you didn't get enough rest? Remember to go to bed early today."
To be honest, I feel like I have gained recognition. I am no longer treated as trash, but I am truly treated as a human being.
I couldn't wait to share this with her.
Because she called me to encourage me, I took the initiative to break the original agreement not to contact her during working hours or not to contact her unless necessary.
"Really? I'm very happy too."
She is happy for me too.
I think this is moving forward on a good path.
——
Her thoughts that can only be seen now.
She was not happy.
Even looking at the phone screen with a sad expression.
"Really?"
"It's a pleasure to leave me."
Why do you have such an idea?
have no idea.
The day Ah Yao proposed that he wanted to live independently, he couldn't suppress his thoughts.
What was not done well?
What went wrong?
Don’t need your own money?
···
Isn’t it good to be together every day like before?
I don’t feel tired at all and I feel happy every day.
Why is there suddenly no need for such happiness?
Does it mean that only you can feel happy?
ah.
There is only one reason.
Ah Yao no longer needs herself and is tired of looking at herself. Because it has been too long and she has lost interest in herself.
third party--
If I can’t find it now, then I will find it sooner or later, right?
I want to... call right away, right away, no, I want to go to Ah Yao's place right away.
Did this too.
But when I got there, I didn't dare to step in.
That’s not possible, right?
We have already made an appointment not to meet. If you do, you will hate me even more.
If there was any possibility of redemption, he would be completely bored in an instant.
I went home dejected again, eager to know if Ah Yao no longer loves me.
I can't sleep.
In the past, it was easy to fall asleep leaning against Ah Yao, but now I have myself on the bed, and there is nothing belonging to Ah Yao.
All that's left is the smell, right?
A scent that fades and will eventually disappear one day.
I hugged the quilt that once covered me and also covered Ah Yao, and just barely fell asleep.
——
At that time, I didn't know what Xia Xianyue was thinking.
I just want to change my mind and really work hard to prove that I am a human being.
My new colleagues don't know that I was a gambler in the past, and they only treat me as a new colleague who is working hard to make progress.
I have the ability.
This is not a lie. If I didn't have the ability, I wouldn't have been admitted to Winter University with the first grade in the academic year.
I have the ability that I can definitely learn as long as I am willing to put in my energy from the bottom of my heart.
At the beginning, I seemed to be in a hurry, but by the middle of the second month, I can handle most chores skillfully.
"Let's talk about Su Yao."
Today was a celebration party held by my boss after a successful project, and a female colleague talked to me.
"I really didn't expect you to persevere."
What she said made me a little strange.
"Did you know? All the newcomers who came with you have left except you."
"is that so?"
I really don’t know. I only know that a few left because they couldn’t stand the pressure, but I don’t know that all of them left.
"Yes, my uncle...ah, the boss has no intention of retaining new people."
"You understand, right? It's just taking advantage of their desire to try it out. When the trial period is over, even if they don't leave, they will be driven away, and then a new batch of new people will be replaced with low prices and high performance."
"Is it really okay for me to say this?"
"It's no problem."
She came close to me without permission, and the delicious fragrance invaded my nasal cavity. I saw that she seemed to have bright lipstick on her lips.
"I think it's strange that you can persist for so long with such unreasonable work content and salary."
"The last person left and left his work to you without giving you much compensation, but you actually finished it too."
"You also said that you have to do it."
"Should I say that you are cute and cute, or that you are too stupid?"
"Aren't you leaving too?"
"Haha... Didn't you just let it slip? The boss is my relative, and he won't give me the task of working overtime until so late."
"Why do you think I stayed so late?"
"I already have a girlfriend."
"Yeah?"
She shrugged noncommittally.
To be honest, I don't know what she was thinking. After saying this, I left.
My head feels dizzy, maybe because of the drink, maybe because of something else.
I thought of something else.
Will my girlfriend also experience such a drinking party?
You will, right?
Even a rubbish like me would be talked to, so she would be too.
After leaving me, will she take a good look at her life and the fact that I am trash as her boyfriend?
My inferiority complex was awakened.
But unlike my thoughts, my girlfriend has been encouraging me.
The boss's relative and the female colleague who had a crush on me didn't seem to have any displeasure with me because of that day, and she still chatted with me pleasantly. Because of work, I inevitably need to communicate with her.
Although I have low self-esteem and fear... my girlfriend will suddenly wake up to her and break up with me later. But I will never and cannot cheat on her before she says she has given up on me. This is the only principle I want to abide by even if I am trash.
.
It's also amazing.
During this period, my girlfriend always called me exactly when I was free to rest.
When I get home, I will find signs that someone has entered the house. The spare key was given to her half a month after moving here. I will come in without damaging any traces or taking anything away... After all, this is a place like this.
It's not a place visited by thieves at all, it's so shabby.
I knew who it was, but I decided not to mention it.