I was lying on the bed with a cigarette in my mouth, seemingly leisurely staring at the ceiling in a daze, but in my heart I was thinking about what clothes to wear when we meet in the afternoon, whether to get a haircut, shave, and what to say when we meet Ling.
The person who gave me the pager was obviously not Ling, so who called it? What happened in Ling's past? And Jing, what is hidden behind these two girls? What should I say after meeting Ling? What?
…
My body seemed to be very peaceful lying on the bed, but my mind was extremely active at that moment. All kinds of complicated thoughts were intertwined together, making my brain as busy and crowded as a vegetable market. Various voices One after another, I want to force my brain to believe its opinion, but as soon as my thinking has a certain bias, another voice will jump out and shout "STOP!" and then drag my thinking to another direction. an extreme.
At that moment, my own soul seemed to have become a body without an opinion, being pulled around by countless villains, whether angels or devils, struggling to wait for the moment to be torn apart.
"Oops!" I screamed. It turned out that the cigarette butt burned my hand. I threw away the cigarette butt and looked at the long cigarette ash lying quietly on the ground. It witnessed my abnormality at that moment - because of a Girls.
It is necessary to talk about me again here. I have always been a person who believes in love, but in fact, I still don’t know what love is. Because these two words mean too much burden and responsibility. I still can't recite it, and I don't know how to recite it. But at least one thing is certain: I don't know how to love. Or maybe I don't know how to love. My parents have been very busy since I was a child, and I can't even remember. Like my parents, all they left to me were busy figures one after another. So for a long time I lived alone. The life I was used to was autistic, private, lonely, and without the need to assume any responsibility. , and I have always been reserved about emotional devotion. At that time, I envied the lovers on campus. They could be intoxicated and longing to talk about their future together, and they could be very attached and sweet and quiet in their own world. . I always sneer at them when I walk by them, because I know that I will never get what they have.
But when I met Ling, on that warm and sunny early autumn afternoon, I saw her unintentionally exposed fangs and pale pink tongue, and listened to her sweet laughter like a silver bell. I knew that I was doomed.
From that moment on, I was destined to be worried about this woman. Her every frown and smile directly touched the most sensitive nerve in my heart. Her emotions became my own through some kind of chemical effect. Joy, anger, sorrow, strange love, sweet love, painful love.
You are happy, so I am happy. I have listened to this song by Faye Wong many times, but I have never had such a profound understanding like this time. Yes, you are happy, so I am happy. Because at that moment, the only meaning of my existence was One, to make her happy. Her smile is everything to me. When I saw her happy smile on the edge of the not-so-steep cliff on that hill, I secretly decided in my heart.
Others began to take a nap or play games, and the entire dormitory fell into a harmonious tranquility. It was not completely quiet. The boss's snoring and the "yes, sir" coming from the StarCraft game from time to time made the original feeling
It adds a touch of humanity to the lifeless silence, which is an atmosphere that can calm people down.
I calmed down and jumped out of bed carefully. Without waking my second child, I took a basin and went to the water room to take a bath. Washed by the slightly cold water, I kept taking deep breaths, trying to calm down my nervousness temporarily.
Soothed. The cold water bath was really effective. Under the stimulation of the cold water, my spirit was lifted a lot. When I returned to the dormitory, I was no longer as worried and indecisive as before. Everyone has a ritual of self-sublimation.
, some people are running, some people are cleaning the room, some people are listening to music, and I am taking a cold shower.
I put on my best outfit, polished my leather shoes, and arranged everything including my hairstyle, the folds of my shirt, and my glasses to look beautiful. I looked at my watch and saw that it was just past two o'clock, and there was another
How many hours did it take to arrive at the appointed time.
There are no classes in the afternoon, so those who sleep can still fall asleep confidently, and those who play games still play games unscrupulously.
For a moment, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to watch Lao Wu and the others play games but felt bored. I smoked a cigarette by the window but felt choked. Looking at Lao Wu sleeping, I always felt guilty - I suddenly
I found that I couldn’t stay in this dormitory any longer!
Yes, although my body is still in the dormitory, my soul has already gone to the small water bar where we were dating, waiting for the bell to arrive. The separation of soul and body is painful, so I am very determined.
I chose to go out, leaving behind the bunch of guys in the dormitory who were just waiting to die and had no future, and I went to the water bar.
I ordered a cup of coffee. Although the coffee was still too bitter for people of my age, I felt that it made me look more mature, at least better than the two people sitting next door drinking Coke with straws in their mouths.
I frowned and took a sip of coffee. The bitterness and aroma of cheap coffee filled my mouth and stomach, making my whole body feel warm and comfortable.
Although now I doubt how the weak instant coffee at that time could have such a strong effect, the reality is that that cup of coffee made me fall into an inexplicable state of excitement, and I felt refreshed.
, my face is red, my thinking is quick, my mind is clear, I am waiting for the arrival of the bell!
Waiting always makes people anxious. I lit a cigarette. Although my hands were still a little trembling, I thought I had disguised my emotions as calm. However, I looked at the time too frequently and still felt the hot pot in my bones.
The ants on the bed were undoubtedly exposed.
"Hi, you're early!"
My hands shook and I turned around. Then I saw the bell again.
I couldn't help but sigh as I wrote this. In fact, the story I wrote here has deviated too much from my original intention. The purpose of writing this was just to give an explanation and bring an end to a story in my past. However,
Now I find it difficult to describe this story with the same state of mind at that time. It has been 7 years since the beginning. 7 years can change a person a lot, especially these 7 years in a
The most turbulent time in a man's life. I experienced a lot of things and met a lot of people during this period. When writing this article, I couldn't help but bring in these other stories and other people. Ling is no longer just
The bell rang, and "I" was not just me in 1999. Time is passing, and we are changing. Through the window of time, I look at the past time with hesitation, which is intertwined in reality and memories.
The gray area turns out to be so scary...
——————————————————————————————————————Looking back, I saw the bell again.
Short hair, smile, and tiger teeth, everything is the same as before.
I laughed. I don’t know why. Whenever I see her, I feel like laughing. This cannot be described as simple joy or happiness. If I have to find a word to describe this mood, I think
That should be satisfying.
Yes, satisfaction. The appearance of one person can make another person feel fulfilled, and the other person's heart will become unknowingly happy because of her appearance. This is satisfaction, a kind of worship that is close to drugs.
expect.
This kind of satisfaction can make you stare at the place where she may appear all day long, waiting quietly for her figure; this kind of satisfaction can make you pretend not to care on the surface when she is not around, but feel sad in your heart.
Crazy; this kind of satisfaction can make you infinitely amplify and affect yourself because of a trace of emotion she accidentally reveals...
Love is like fire, causing countless moths to fly; love is like poison, making the whole heart break; love is like honey, sweet, and the heart is filled with joy.
What is love? Love is love, it makes you unable to explain it, but unknowingly your heart breaks in an instant.
I quickly put out the cigarette and laughed, "How about this being a tacit understanding? I just arrived for a while, and then I followed you." I said with a shy face.
"Bullshit!" she said in a low voice, but her tone was not unpleasant. It seemed that she was used to my ugly face.
I asked her to sit down and ordered a glass of orange juice for her on my own initiative.
"Don't you have any classes in the afternoon today?" I started to look for topics. Talking about some household chores would help organize my thoughts - this was taught to me by a senior who is known as "the little whirlwind in love and sorrow in bed".
I also think so.
She smiled and said, "No, the midterm exam is coming soon. The teacher doesn't like to take roll calls anymore, and is more relaxed."
"It seems that you are not a good boy who loves to study! I thought that just a few of us buddies would eat and die all day long, but I didn't expect you beautiful girls to be so decadent. It's very sad for the general public.
, the good quality of studying hard and making progress every day has been lost by our generation." I was heartbroken.
"Pfft!" Ling almost spat out a mouthful of water. "Who said that? Do you think they are all the same as you? My grades are very good!" She was very unconvinced.
"Oh, that's forgivable. He's a good kid who has both study and entertainment, and is well-rounded. He's following the path of a good student."
"You know how to talk nonsense! It would be a pity for you not to be a lawyer!" She said harshly.
"I've thought about it, but the looks don't cut it."
"What do you care about being a lawyer and looking good?"
"Have you not seen that the positive lawyers on TV and movies are all over 180cm tall and very handsome. My height and appearance are generally like a person A or a bad person B. I have been educated in a positive way since I was a child.
Big, the heroic images of Dong Cunrui and Huang Jiguang still echo in front of my eyes from time to time. Now that I am born in New China, I cannot imitate the heroes and kill the enemy to serve the country, nor can I be a bad guy and cause trouble to the socialist modernization drive."
"I fainted. It was a movie. Why are you so weird?"
"You are also very strange. Very few girls like watching movies, and you have watched "Leon" more than ten times."
"What about you? Why do you like that movie so much?" We returned to that topic and started discussing the movie.
"Because I like that Stan."
"Is that the bad guy?" she asked in surprise.
I nodded sincerely, "He is my idol. If one day I do not withstand the corruption of capitalist sugar-coated bullets and unfortunately embark on the alley of illegality and crime, I will definitely use him as a role model and be as individual as him."
The bad guy."
With a puff, her orange juice spurted out again: "Haha, you are so perverted!"
She smiled again, and her smile made me feel like a spring breeze, gentle and warm.
So I also laughed, and I said seriously: "The love between a killer and a little girl is a dramatic conflict in itself. And the love between the two of them that spans time and identity makes me feel a sense of longing.
An old man carrying a heavy past suddenly met and got to know a little girl who was also carrying a blood feud. Their love even made people feel beautiful and fragile."
She seemed to be thinking about what I said and didn't say anything for a while.
"What about you? Why do you like it?" I then asked.
"Me? I don't know, I just like it, I like to see the two of them living together, and I like to see Leon finally fall before the coming happiness. Maybe, I just want to be Matilda.
"
My heart tightened, as if I touched something at that moment, but I wasn't sure.
"That's just right. You want to be Matilda, and I want to be Lyon. Let's just do a real-life interpretation." I said sincerely.
She rolled her eyes at me: "You are not Leon anymore, you are Stan, that bad guy, who is my enemy!" Then she made her fingers look like pistols and fired at me.
I was shot and threw myself on the street. I fell on the table panting and struggling to survive, while she started poking me with a straw.
Finally I couldn't help it anymore and burst out laughing. I looked up to the sky and roared, feeling very regretful.
She laughed.
Yes, she laughed. It was me who made her laugh. I have heard a saying before: A woman only likes a man who makes her laugh, but falling in love with that man makes her cry. I know this sentence, and I have also
I think it makes sense. But I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to make her a little bit unhappy. I just want her to smile so happily. Even if one day I can’t be with her, at least I will leave it to her.